#4 - I've Never Been Bowling

Challenge prompt - What's 1 thing that you've never done that most people have?

Bowling. I've never been bowling. I've played Wii bowling, but I don't think that counts. I'm not sure why I've never been. I guess it's just never come up when someone said "let's go do something". And after I had my shoulder repaired, I don't know that I could swing a bowling ball very well.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I want to save my blog from extinction. So I'm doing a 30 day challenge. I'll answer one of these prompts each day.
See prompt 1, 2, and 3.
Thanks for reading!

Save the blog!

In an attempt to save my blog I am going to do the challenge below. Stick around for random stories and facts about yours truly. 

1. Write your goals for the month.
2. If you could offer a newborn child only one piece of advice, what would it be?
3. What was the last movie you saw in the theaters?
4. If you could rid the world of one thing, what would it be?
5. Post a picture of something or someone that made your day special.
6. If you could live in any time period of the past, when would it be and why?
7. If you could spend 15 minutes with any celebrity, who would it be and why?
8. How do you envision your life in 5 years?
9. Write about someone who inspires you.
10. What's your food philosophy?
11. Write about the worst injury that you've ever had.
12. Write about one of your biggest accomplishments in life.
13. Would you rather be rich or healthy?
14. Do you have any birth marks? Scars? Tattoos? Piercings?
15. What was the last good deed you did for someone/someone did for you?
16. What's 1 thing that you've never done that most people have?
17. Post 7 random facts about yourself.
18. Post a picture of the most embarrassing article of clothing you own.
19. Write about something or someone you really care about.
20. Write about the best or worst date you've ever been on. 
21. What are your thoughts on body image in the media?
22. What are your 3 biggest pet peeves?
23. What is your favorite part of the day and why?
24. Who was your childhood celebrity crush?
25. What's in your purse?
26. Post a picture of something yellow.
27. What was your most memorable vacation.
28. Write about the last dream that you remember having. 
29. If you could be famous for one thing, what would it be?
30. Write about your morning routine.

Me circa October iPhone Pictures

Hii! I'm still here, just super busy! So here's what I've been up to circa iPhone pictures.

My Dad and I went to Aussie Pink Floyd. OMG it was AWESOME! I loved it! 

And he sucks at picture taking. Haha. 

I cut my hair! And I love it! My friend Nikki did such a good job! 

 Nutella. It has a gold seal so you know it's good.

 I broke in these boots. They are bad ass. 

These are the boots I will wear when I am an old lady, like in Sons of Anarchy. 

Don't laugh. I'm totally serious.

 Work: Been there a month and I love it! I'm busy all the time and my coworkers are the best! 

I listen to Adele and Mumford & Sons exclusively now. Seriously, exclusively. 

I love them so much I can't even handle it. 

If you don't have these two albums you are cuhrazy. 

Go buy them ASAP.

 I do artwork now. That's hanging above my bed and I wish it were bigger. That's what she said. BOOM.

 I still love this little shit.

I'm reading these books. I'm also cooking and redecorating my room/bathroom, 

but I'll do separate posts for those. Stay tuned!

Life List Updated

I made some changes!

Fly first class

Ride in a submarine

Burning Man

Name a star

Eat pineapple in Hawaii

Fall head over heals in love

Ride in a train

Visit New York

Be an inspiration

Culinary Arts School

Kiss on a bridge

Build-A-Bear

Get a tattoo

1000 DVDs
Read Mein Kampf

Go to a World Series game

Visit the big sycamore tree in Indiana

Ride in the Tea Cups

Go to the end of a rainbow

See the Northern Lights

Attend a taping of The Price is Right

Go to the top of a lighthouse

Ride in a hot air balloon

Attend Mardi Gras

Learn Spanish

Learn to knit for reals

Attend the Sundance Film Festival

Shakespearean Festival

See the Golden Gate Bridge

Eat at a Gordon Ramsay Restaurant

See a space shuttle launch

Learn to ride a motorcycle

Simplification

Hi everyone! Lately, I have been thinking about condensing my life. Just getting rid of things I don't really need. A "Life Spring Cleaning" if you will. Anyway, I decided to start with my blog. I removed a few things that made it look cluttered, changed the color scheme, and made use of the "pages" feature to present a much cleaner, more simple site. I hope you like it. I you can't find something you use to like seeing on my blog just leave me a comment or send me an email and I'll see what I can do.  Also, I'm going to try to do more book reviews here and add more recipes in the future. Anyway, wish me luck and everyone let me know what you think of the new design?!

I want to move far far away...

I want to leave Utah, permanently. Today I drove my Dad to an appointment in Salt Lake and as we drove home I got a different feeling about my surroundings. Aside from the weather I've always enjoyed living in Utah. My immediate family was here, my circle of friends, and I had a great job. In the past I have thought about what it would be like to live in another state, but I never really had anything pushing me to go. Whenever I would get the urge to branch out of the Utah County bubble I knew I had the option of moving north to Salt Lake for more culture and a different set of people. But the idea of Salt Lake isn't enough anymore.

I hate Utah. I think it's awful. For starters, I LOATHE the weather. We used to have four distinct seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. But in recent years we've had cold more than half the year. Spring consists of a few warm days and then bam! it's 95 degrees for three months and then it's back to freezing my ass off. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding so winter sports are not a draw for me.

Next, I don't like a lot of the people here. Say what you want, but the people of Utah are SO judgemental. I have a theory, and it involves the predominate religion so I won't go into it but I wish people  could just be more accepting of others.

I am unemployed and have been for some time now. I have been looking for a job, any job for 6 months. And let's not forget the 6 months I looked for work after things ended with Doba. It is an employers market, and while I have a lot of experience and I am a great worker, there are so many people looking for work. It's just been a struggle for a year now and I just want a new landscape with different companies and more opportunities.

I have slim to none friends here anymore. Anyone I considered a friend once has now gotten married and are starting families. And that is wonderful, but it's hard to keep a friendship strong when you are at totally different stages in life. I need a new circle.

You know the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'? Well I'd like a chance to prove that saying wrong. My past/current situation seems to follow me here no matter where I go. I'm at the doctor and I get asked about my Mom. I go to the grocery store and the checkers ask about my Dad or my sister. I go on job interviews and they know my former co-workers or bosses and they want to know why I would EVER quit working for them. Gahg. If only I could say the things I really want to say. Whatever. I just want to go someplace where no one knows me or my situation. I want a clean slate.

Lastly, I am pretty well finished with the church. The church was once a thing that kept me near Utah as I thought it was something I always wanted to have in my life. I also had this notion that my odds in finding "the one," the guy I'm supposed to build a life with were higher if I stayed in a place that was filled with men of the LDS faith. Well, I don't believe those things anymore. I don't believe in "the one". I believe that we chose who we want to mold ourselves to in order to build a life together. Someone wasn't made for us. A person can make life work with more than just one person. And as for the church,  if at some point I decide to participate and incorporate it back into my life I don't have to be in Utah for that.

I'm not sure where I will end up yet and it won't happen for a while, but I do know one thing for certain, I want out of Utah. There's just nothing left here for me.

26 @ 26 Project

I saw this done on another blog I follow from time to time and I thought it would be fun to have a few simple goals to accomplish while I'm twenty-six. I'll do my best to take photographs or keep some memorabilia from each goal then use them to create the 26@26 mini-book. If I like how the year goes I may continue the tradition each year starting on my birthday.

The Jinx Factor

I had a job interview this week at a really cool company that I thought went fantastic. Unfortunately I wasn't offered the position. (I'd link to the company, but since they didn't think I was a good fit I don't really care to give their site any traffic muahaha!) I was/am really bummed about it. I really wanted to work there; it has so much potential for growth and I know I could have made huge contributions. At first I was really pissed, but at the end of the day it's just one more thing to chalk up to my 'Jinx Factor'.

I feel like I jinx myself all the time. I get excited about something and so naturally I want to share my excitement. I spill the beans with someone and inevitably this is a sign to the universe that it should shit all over my happiness and put an immediate halt to it. This doesn't apply only to potential employment opportunities either it happens with guys all the time. I start dating someone and things start to progress, I get excited and happy and share what's going on with my sister or whomever and within a few days said guy will disappear without explanation and I'm left with inquiries of the status of my once budding relationship. It happens every time without fail. You'd think that by now I would just keep my mouth shut and just maybe something would work out in my favor, but apparently I haven't learned my lesson quite yet.

The Jinx factor goes along the same lines as the 'Date-me-in-order-to-find-who-you-really-want routine'. I cannot even count how many times I have dated a guy for a few months only to realize they don't want any sort of commitment, things fizzle out between us and then I get the lovely piece of mail 4-6 months later announcing their engagement to the girl they dated after me. Seriously?

I am so tired of life. I have lost all belief in human decency, family, loyalty, and love. I am so tired of trying to keep faith in things that just aren't there. Or maybe I'm just an insomniac and can't think clearly anymore. I've been trying to do productive things during the night when I should be sleeping instead of watching TV shows and movies. I've been knitting and coloring (really productive I know) and at 5AM this morning I decided to rearrange my bedroom. Here's some pictures of the final results. I think it's kinda cute and I like that I have some where to put on my make up now instead of sitting on the floor. :)

Operation: Oasis

I'm sure most of you know that my home/family situation has recently become far less than ideal. It's been rough. When your parents divorce it is hard no matter your age or where you may be in life. I guess I always thought my parents would go the distance, but through this I have come to realize that my mother and father are not invincible. They are simply people that make choices and mistakes and they have to do what they have to in order to hold on to happiness. They will always be Mom and Dad even if they aren't under the same roof or even in the same time zone. And at the end of the day I truly want each of them to be healthy, whole, happy individuals.

I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.

Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.

So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!

Comfort and Loneliness

Author's note: I know this post is a little 'after school special' and epically long but deal with it. :)

Have you ever craved to be touched by another person? Not like you're hungry for some sweet lovin and need to get laid (although that'd be nice too he he). I mean you just want to be touched or held or just be close enough to a man (or woman) that you can hear their heart beat. I do a lot lately. And I just got this incredible wave of loneliness come over me. It's a terrible feeling. I just feel so empty. And while I'm really happy and content like I mentioned in this post, I'm really craving to be cuddled up on the couch and to have someone else's hand in mine. Is it possible to be happy and content but lonely at the same time? Does one cross out the other? The last time I cuddled with someone it didn't mean anything to him; nor did it mean anything to me with the guy before that or the guy before that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cuddled with a guy and it was mutually meaningful. That is so terribly sad.

Sometimes I wish intimacy was the way it was in high school. Cuddling with someone was a big deal, it was always so sweet and exciting. I could feel the guy's heart beating when I'd lay my hand or my head on his chest. Cuddling now just doesn't mean what it did then. Kisses have similarly lost their eminence. 'So did you guys kiss?' was always the first question asked by girlfriends after arriving home from a date and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I feel like as you get older the little pieces of dating lose some of their za za zoom. Or maybe it's a choice? Can you chose to allow yourself to get the dating butterflies and the blushing cheeks after you've been in the dating game for 10+ years? Or do you think that the failures of previous relationships cause you to build walls and not allow for the za za zoom-iness to take over?

It's interesting to me how comforting a simple touch can be. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time. It was around this time that I found out about the abnormal cells in the mole I had removed. I was terrified. I had convinced myself I had skin cancer and with the location of the mole I was sure it had spread to all my important baby making parts and I wouldn't be able to have children. My mind was on repeat of the worst possible scenario. I was really freaking out about the entire thing. Obviously, I know I was blowing everything way out of proportion, but those were just the thoughts running through my head for days and days. My Mom ended up staying with me at my place for a few nights just so I wouldn't be alone. Having her there was such a blessing. She was my sounding board to all of the awful thoughts running the mind marathon of 2010 in my brain. She was so comforting. It's a Mom thing I think. I just felt better knowing she was right there with me. When I lost my job at SOS last week I immediately called my Mom and she was at my apartment within just a few minutes. When she got there she gave me a great big hug, we sat down and I laid my head on her leg and just cried. She didn't have to say anything. Just having her hand on my shoulder while I cried in her lap curbed the pain, loneliness, and frustration I was experiencing at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I've felt a lot of loneliness over the last year I have always been surrounded by a wonderful system of support, comfort, and love from both family and friends. I need to do better job of remembering they are there for me and utilizing them instead of burying all my frustrations inside myself. Moving forward I hope that I can be part of the support system for others.

Downer Debbie: AKA Me

The last two years of life have been rough for me. I know it and you know it, because I've blogged about it almost every step of the way. There were many contributing factors to my negative outlook: my health deteriorated, once I got something fixed and feeling better something else would start to bother me. I put a lot of effort into relationships that ultimately fell apart. I lost a job of 4 years on my 25th birthday. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. My finances went from being on track to complete and utter chaos. I spent 4 months unemployed and found another job only to lose it 3 months later. Throughout this time I knew that I was becoming more withdrawn. I started to avoid everyday things like checking my voicemail or the mail box, because I knew it was only bills or collectors seeking payment that I couldn't give. I began losing interest in things I once enjoyed and more often than not I saw the negative aspect in everything. I had lost all of the joy in my life. I knew I was in an unhappy place, but I never really considered myself depressed.

Clinical depression is defined as: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

I started experiencing panic/anxiety attacks towards the end of January when I started my new job. Most times they would happen when I was in the car. I commuted 40 miles to and from the office and I tend to get my best thinking done in the car. So I would drive and think about all of the problems on my plate and I would just get so overwhelmed. My heart rate would increase, I would start to sweat, it became difficult to breathe, tears would run down my cheeks, and I'd end up pulling the car over until I could gain control. I went to the doctor and he suggested I talk with the psychiatrist on their staff to help me gain some perspective on my situation and to learn some coping techniques. I reluctantly agreed and made an appointment.

To be honest I thought it was a waste of time. I have always been a "solve your own problems" kind of girl. I'm a reserved person so the idea of paying someone to discussing my inner most thoughts with me just seems so vain. But I went and we discussed the things I am struggling with in life and how to cope with them. I left the appointment feeling like the doctor just confirmed everything I already knew about myself, which wasn't all that helpful really. But I decided that if I didn't want to continuing feeling so down and confused I should try to follow through with the treatment. The soonest I could start on a regular weekly appointment was 3 weeks out. The therapist suggested I start on an anti-depressant. So I went to my primary care doctor a few days later and he wrote me a prescription for Lexapro. I ended up having a reaction to that and so I couldn't take it anymore. You can read about that experience here. We changed the Lexapro to Prozac and I didn't have any reactions to it.

Prozac takes approximately 5 weeks to absorb in your system to fully take effect. Well it has definitely kicked in and I am so pleased with the way I am feeling. It is incredible to wake up in the morning and not feel like "ughhh ANOTHER day". I'm content again and looking forward to the future. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel like it's easier to express myself.

My question is, if this new found happiness is based on a medication, is it real? How does everyone feel about anti-depressant medications? For me, I think the medication has been a blessing. Being depressed can be debilitating. There were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Literally. Everything is exhausting and you have absolutely no joy. But now I wake up excited for the day and I feel like I can handle the problems in front of me, instead of avoiding them. I am excited to move and I am excited for the job search ahead of me. I want to get back into a healthy routine. I am happy to have the weight of depression off my shoulders so I can get back into a more normal cycle.

Failure

Lately I've been having these episodes, usually while driving. I am fine and then all of a sudden I feel like the world is falling apart. I burst into tears, its difficult to breathe, I usually get a big headache. I'm frozen with tears streaming down my face thinking of all the ways I suck at life, everything I need to do, bills I have no idea how to pay, how I am no where near who I thought I wanted to be at this stage in life, how lonely I am, how angry I get over stupid things. I feel like a complete failure.

I've been slowing moving down this path of darkness for a long time, losing my job was like a big kick in the back that just sent me rolling. I thought that what I needed was to get back to work. (Which on a side note, I am very grateful for being employed again and I am really loving my new job. I'm amazed at how much I feel like I've learned in just the two short months I've been there.) But, I thought that working would solve everything. It would solve my boredom and my financial state, it would help me meet new people. I thought it would stop these thoughts and feelings. I thought it would renew my hope in life. Some days I feel like I'm moving forward, but most of the time - like 95% of the time - I feel like I am standing still in this pit of darkness.

I think I've lost hope in life in general. My ears will always be full of fluid making me lightheaded. My back still hurts every single day. I still can't fall asleep on my own. And it's not just the health aspect of my life that gets me down. I have no hope that life will get any better than this, and I don't know how to change that perception on my own. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My one sister has a swarm of her own health problems that no one at 23 should have to deal with. They consume her life. My other sister lives in another state with a special needs baby and a fiance that is unemployed on a regular basis because he works in a field that pays really well, but work is far from consistent. My Dad is consumed with his own health problems, severe chronic back pain, and a recent hip replacement, with another on the books sometime in the next 9 months. And my Mother is so busy taking care of everyone else and putting out all of the fires that arise on a daily basis, not to mention working a full-time job I feel like at the end of the day, my being down in the dumps is really not that high on anyone's list of priorities. And it shouldn't be. I feel like I've really reached a breaking point, and I don't know what to do. I know my family is here for me and will support me and I don't want any of them that read this to be offended or upset with me. I love them unconditionally and I know they love me, but sometimes I just feel like everyone is so consumed with our their own problems I am left to push everything aside. I don't have friends, I have a dog. That's it.

Let me be clear that I am grateful for everyone that reads my blog and I love when people take time out of their day to read and even comment on things I ramble on about, but I don't want a bunch of "you can talk to me comments". While I appreciate the support, I really think this is beyond just needing someone to vent my frustrations to. My girl "friends" are married for the most part and I don't want to sound bitter or rude, but their lives seemed to have continued down the path presented to them in all our Sunday School and Young Women's church meetings. Mine did not. And while I have spent a great deal of time trying to come to terms with where I went wrong and why I haven't been able to get a man to make any sort of real commitment to me in over 5 years, I still don't understand. I have few male friends I'd feel comfortable bringing this too, they are mostly just concerned with themselves.

I was at the doctor having my back examined again this week and I had him inspect a mole that I have had for a few years that has been changing over the last few months. He did a biopsy of it and I'm waiting for the results, but he was concerned with how large it was and the location. I'm scared. Hopefully everything will be fine and normal, but I'm honestly terrified every time my phone rings. I spoke to the doctor about the panic attacks and he suggested I go speak with a therapist. And even though I never thought I'd be someone that needed professional help to sort out my problems, I don't feel like I have any other options right now.

I got an MRI of my lower back this afternoon, and while I lay in the confined tube I thought of all the potential questions the therapist might ask. And my train of thought brought me to an attempt to figure out when I was last trully happy. January 2008. Wow. 2 years since I can say I was happy. So sad. I hope this guy can help me sort of things out. I need some peace or I'll never be able to become who I want to be.

In addition to the therapy thing I have been seriously considering making an attempt to get involved with the church again. I need some direction and peace and the last time I had anything close to these I was some what active. I may breakout my old Bible and Book of Mormon. I need to find my Patriarchal blessing and that will help. I may also ask for a Preisthood blessing, although I'm not really sure what is and isnt appropriate when it comes to this and the guy I asked about it seemed like I was putting him on the spot or he was annoyed that I had asked so, so I guess I'll just find someone new to discuss it with. Anyway, I just want to be happy and whole and I want to be the kind of person a guy would like to spend the rest of his life with. I want to build a life with someone and right now I am filled with so much anger, resentment, loneliness, and fear I'm not ready. I just need some help to become the person I want to be.

Tunnel Vision

It's back. My inability to see the bigger picture. Also, the high of getting a full paycheck is gone. I'm sober now and it sucks. I have never, in my life felt so overwhelmed by debt. Seriously, before six months ago all my bills were always paid on time and down to zero, I always had savings, I always had options. Everything was executed as planned. Then everything blew up and I'm stuck with absolutely no avenues to take, zero options. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. None whatsoever. And it's really giving me some extreme anxiety.

I'm back to regretting each and every decision I've made in the last 2 years. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of "if I had done this instead..." I am very much someone who doesn't regret decisions, who can ignore the little crap and see the big picture, but right now, in the last 36 hours, I'm replaying EVERYTHING. From buying that iPod, to kissing that boy, to moving to my new apartment. I long to live in my old condo where rent was almost $300/mo cheaper. It was home and holds so many happy memories. My new apartment is not home. Everyday I feel like if I hadn't moved here, if I hadn't wanted to play by the rules when getting Tonka, if I hadn't wanted to give myself more space to fill with "for when I own a home items'' things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand financially. I would have been able to stay on top of bills or at least made an honest effort do minimum payments or something.

I was driving home from work yesterday and it all hit me like a tsunami wave, and I've had this knot in my stomach since. I sat in the car for 30 min staring at the steering wheel trying to make sense of it all after I got home. I have so much ground to catch up on, I don't know that I'll ever be ahead like I was before I moved. I hate this feeling. I just can't shake it. How did everything get SO bad? I don't understand. And it's not just my dire financial situation. How did my life get so off course? How did I let myself become so negative and bitter? And how did so many lives close to me do the same thing? I think back to times with some of my old friends and I just don't understand how we got from there to here. How did so many of us go from having big dreams and goals of education, love, family, traveling, and living life to the fullest to working 9-5 minimum wage jobs, paycheck to paycheck, with the highlight being getting bad cocktails at Iggy's at the end of the week? I know that each of us have our free agency to make our own decisions, but seriously what the hell? What happened to everyone that made us think these were the right decisions? Maybe we thought these avenues were the only options to make? I don't know. I just can't figure it out. This can't be as good as it gets, can it?

Thankful

I've started three blog posts today, two of which are meaningless. I've spent 90% of the last 4 months staring at my computer screen looking for a job, watching movies and TV shows, reading blogs and following tons various news stories. I love finding random crazy stories, I think I've become a news junkie. Anyway, I've been following the happenings down in Haiti since the quake and I just saw that they found another man alive after 14 days buried under rocks and rubble. Which is crazy-cool.

The events in Haiti have got me thinking about all of the 'disasters' that have happened in my day. The first I remember was the Oklahoma City Bombing. I was at the dentist and when my Mom brought me home we turned on the news and watched the coverage of it for the remainder of the day. Columbine, 9/11, the tsunami, Hurricane Katrina, floods in the mid-west, so many people going through life changing trials and hardship.

I'm not really sure what it has been about this disaster (Haiti), but I can't stop thinking about how truly blessed I am. I have so many blessings that I feel like I don't even know the magnitude of some of them and others I'm not sure I deserve. I have all of the basic essentials: food, shelter, water. I have a family that loves me unconditionally, I have friends, I have a job (in the works) that will help me get my financials back on the right track. I have a good running car, cell phone, laptop, desktop. I could go on and on.

A few days ago my Internet router pooped it's pants and went down for maybe 3 hours. I was so pissed. I had to check my email and follow Facebook FROM MY PHONE. UGH. It was the END OF THE WORLD.

I am even more embarassed at how upset I was when my washing machine ripped a hole in my 1000ct. sheets. They were very expensive and very comfortable and the machine ruined them. I saw them folded up in the closet today and realized that there are people in Haiti that will be washing the clothes off their backs in rivers and streams and they are using sheets to shelter them from the elements.

The last 2 years were rough for me in so many ways. I had a lot of health issues come up (migraines, root canals, insomnia, broken tail bone, ear - equilibrium/Meniere's disease, knee/back problems, side effects of medications), a relationship that I had invested everything I had into failed and ended in more heartbreak and disappointment than I'll probably ever admit too, and to top it all off I was fired from a job that I had loved for the better part of 4 years on my 25th birthday. 2008/2009 were not my years. I feel like at times it was (and still is) hard for me to see through to the light of the bigger picture because I had so many layers of shit to see through first. But I'm trying.

I know that the last few months I have been in a quiet depressed state. So many things changed in such a short period of time, I felt like I lost control of everything and my life blew up. I need to work on seeing the bigger picture of my life in order to stay positive about the smaller trials. I am no longer a member of the LDS Church, but I still have a relationship with my Heavenly Father and I need to keep those lines of communication open on a more frequent basis to be more positive.

I guess the purpose of this post is to get all of my feelings out. I hope that I can remember this feeling and to be eternally grateful for the blessings big or small in my life. I want to continue to see the big picture and try not to get so discouraged about the minor set backs. I want to tell those people I love just how much I love them. I don't want to have any regrets about the choices I make. I want to live a happier, more optimistic life starting right now.

A's to Your Q's 1.3

I've had a few more questions come from my new reader Drew Davis.

Drew asked...

1) What's your favorite comfort food?
2) What was your last concert?
3) What/who do you envy?
4) If you could switch places/lives with someone famous who would it be? How about someone not famous?
5) If you could live a movie, what would it be?

First, those are really great questions and I am happy to meet you Drew!

1) I would have to say my comfort food is ice cream. I love it. All kinds, it's just so good and I'm always reminded of good times I've had eating ice cream with friends and at ball games. Another comfort food is my Dad's pasta salad. Wow, I just love it. Its really simple to make and it tastes amazing. For the recipe to his salad and many other foods I love please visit My Recipology Blog.

2) This is a tough question. I am not a big concert attender but the last show I attended was Trans-Siberian Orchestra in 2007. They put on an amazing show. I wish I could afford to go every year and if you haven't seen it I would highly recommend it.

3) Right now, I envy those with great paying jobs, good benefits, all while working for good people. I have been out of work since the end of September, and I am going a little crazy looking for something new. The market is slim and it gets more and more frustrating as time goes on. I am looking for an administrative/executive assistant type position, maybe even office manager. I need roughly $40,000 a year annually. If anyone knows of a position, please email me and let me know the details. I am qualified and excel very well managing my time and those of others. I have a resume and cover letter ready to send and can be available for interviews any time Mon-Fri 8AM-5PM. I can start work immediately.

I also envy those that call fall asleep naturally on their own. I haven't been able to do this for a good two years. I have to take a heavy duty prescription medication nightly and its just not what I want to do long term anymore. I want to be able to lay my head on the pillow, relax, and fall asleep. But I can't. Currently, when I lay my head down a a circus goes off in my head. Commercials and songs start replaying over and over and I simply can not shut it down. It's very frustrating.

Additionally, I envy those not taking Prednisone on a regular basis. It is a wicked drug with many awful side effects. I just want my life and appearance back to what it was prior to the Prednisone. Hopefully, soon.

4)This one is really tough. Someone famous, well I think I would have to go with Marilyn Monroe, back in her prime. I would love to know what it felt like to have all men want you in one way or another. She was incredibly gorgeous and I think it would be fun to have that kind of attention if only for a day. Otherwise, I would probably switch places with someone that has decided on their path of life. They have decided what they want to be when they grow up and are in school or on the path to achieving their goal. I know of a few things that I want to do at some point in my life, for example, I want to attend Culinary Arts school. But it's not what I want to do when I grow up, I just want to be able to cook incredibly well for my future husband and possible family. I would like to switch places with someone that is not afraid to speak his/her mind. Someone who says what they mean and means what they say. I am a reserved person and sometimes it's a battle for me to express what I am really feeling or thinking.

5) Wow, this one is really tough. I love movies. Love, love, love. But I'm thinking instead of a movie I'd have to go with TV show and I'd like to live in Grey's Anatomy, Rescue Me, or Mad Men. Grey's, well I just love that show. I want to be in love with McDreamy. Rescue Me, hello?? Firemen. Everywhere. Yeah I'd like one of them too. And Mad Men, well I just love that era, I love the old school New York and the clothes and how the secretaries use typewriters. There are bars in each office and just what you did. I don't like how women are treated in the workplace though.

Anyway, thanks again for the questions, I hope I answered them to the best of my ability. If anyone has any other questions they'd like for me to answer with full honesty, just leave them in the comments section on this post or by clicking here.

More

I've spent the last several weeks trying to figure out what I want. In life, in love, in the future. And all I can conclude is that I want more. I want more than Doba would ever offer, I want more than Chris was ever capable of giving, I want to be bigger than I think possible. I just want more.

I want a job that I enjoy going to each day, I want to be challenged. I didn't have either of those things the last year I worked at Doba and I knew it. Part of it was on me, I think the other part was the direction of the company. There wasn't any more oomph, employees were no longer first on the list and things just changed. I didn't enjoy it any more.

I want to be with a man that makes me a priority. I want to be all they think about. I want to be needed. I want someone that pushes for our relationship to move forward. I want someone that stands up for me. I want a man that is proud to be with me, someone that shows me off, instead of dating me only when convenient for them. I want a guy that takes me someplace wearing a suit. I mean good god, I've never been anywhere where a suit and tie was dress code. That request may be small and insignificant, but I want it. I deserve more than the guys I've dated the last 3 years.

I want more from life. I want to be really happy. I want to have a reason to get out of bed in the morning again. Instead of having to give myself a pep talk just to get into the shower. I just want more, and I don't know exactly what it takes to get it, but at least I have a goal now. Improvement in itself.

A's to your Q's 1.2

Received a few more questions from Mark.

He asked...

1)What's your favorite holiday?

2)What's the coolest place you've ever been?

3)Starbucks or Dunkin' Donuts?

Great questions!

So my favorite holiday is Independence Day! I love it! My 'gratuity bucket' overflows a little more on this day each year as I celebrate how lucky I am to live with my family in such a wonderful country. The baseball games, BBQ's, fireworks, and suntans are just icing on the cake. Is there anything better? I mean really?

The coolest place I've ever been was on the warning track at Fenway Park. It was the first time I'd ever been to a major league game and it was AMAZING! I was in Boston for a conference and a co-worker at the time, Mikal, bought myself and another co-worker, Jake, tickets to see the Red Sox play. The three of us had a blast! It was Flag Day and they draped a HUGE American Flag over the Green Monster. Somehow, (I'm a little fuzzy on the exact details) Jake and I got the hookups through a partner company and so we got to be part of the crew that caught the flag and walked it back under the stadium after the National Anthem was performed. I'll never forget that experience, and I took a picture (above) of the warning track dirt on my shoe just to prove I was there!

Finally, we don't have any Dunkin' Donuts in Utah, so I'm going to have to say I prefer Starbucks. Although, my sister has been to the DD and she say's they are way better.

If there are any other questions that If you have any other questions you'd like me to answer just click here and leave them in the comments section!

A's to Your Q's

Yay! I'm so excited to have some response to my Q&A Post. Here are the answers to the first questions:

John Pender said...

1. Do you like me? If so, how much?

2. If I came to UTah to visit, what would we do?

3. Why don't you ever wear your hair in a simple ponytail?

4. Have you read any of my stories?

5. Can I have your iMac?

6. Can I have Tonka?

John, of course I like you! On a scale of 1-10, I think you're a 12. Aside from my family, I think you are one of my original blog followers and you always give great feedback. If you were to come to Utah for a visit, depending on the season, we'd probably spend some time at Sundance, maybe visit Temple Square, got to an Owlz game if they were in season, and if we had enough time we could go down to the Red Rocks. I wear my hair in a simple ponytail all the time. It's done that way in a couple of the photos on my sidebars. Truthfully, I have not read any of your stories. I know, I am a loser blog friend. You can have my iMac for the bargain price o $650+shipping/handling. Also, no you may not have Tonka. Even though he can be a little tool sometimes. I love him sooo much, I'll never give him up.

Andrea said...

Will you teach me how to knit so that I can make leg warmers, beanies and scarves for my step-kids? It's going to be a cheap Christmas this year and I have to cut costs wherever I can.

Andrea, I can teach you how to teach yourself to make each of those super fast! All of the knitted items you see on my blog and on Yogoz Boutique are made using Knifty Knitters. These are the best! Robert's Crafts has the best selection and you can use their 40% off coupons. They come with picture instructions and are very easy to follow. Your question has gotten me in the mood to get mine out and knit a tube scarf! Thanks!

Sell...Party of 3 said...

Have you ever been in love?

Yes, I have been in love. He was intelligent, had big dreams, made me laugh, and I was happier than I ever thought possible with him. I honestly thought we were made for one another. Unfortunately, those feelings weren't reciprocated and he ended our relationship. Since then I have discovered he was not the person I thought he was and I probably dodged a bullet. That doesn't make me feel any better though I suppose it should. Maybe I'll meet someone that makes me happy soon. I'm not looking for a marriage right now, I just want someone to have fun with, someone dependable. However, even that seems to be just out of my reach lately.

The Stanley's said...

My question - How do you deal with stress?

I usually vent to my family, they are amazing listeners! My Dad always knows how to solve the problem. My sister, Holli, usually knows what I am going to say before I even have to say it, she just knows things. My Mom can always help me see the silver lining in bad situations, and my other sister Madi is always ready to kick whoevers ass needs kicking. And if none of them are available, you can say anything to the dogs (Tonka and Marley) and they just have a way of making things better with their kisses. Also, when I get really stressed out I like to sit in the tub and read. It's nice and quiet and you can forget about things while getting lost in someone else's story. And since I have a working tub for the first time in 3 years, I retreat there any chance I get.

Thanks for the questions friends! It was fun answering them and it gave me some ideas for future posts. If anyone else has questions you'd like me to answer just click here and leave them in the comments section!

Q&A Baby!

Like many others out there, I stalk a few blogs of random people I'll most likely never meet. You know how it goes, you're reading a friend's blog and you click through to someone they link and before you know it, you've added this stranger to your Google Reader and bam! You think you know everything about them. This is great, except I often find myself with questions for these writers. For example, I recently came across a blog where this couple is selling/storing all of their possessions to go on a backpack trek. I was so curious as to what motivated them to make this huge journey and where exactly they are going that I skimmed their entire blog looking for the answers. I never did figure it out. It would have been so much easier if I had had the courage to just leave them a comment and ask, but I felt like I couldn't ask because well, I am a random blog stalker. So it makes me wonder if anyone that reads my blog has questions for me?

My friend Von, recently solved this problem on her blog by encouraging her readers to ask ANY question and she'll answer it. I was her first question asker, he he, go me go.

So I am going to do the same thing here on mine. Friends, family, stalkers, everyone, feel free to ask me any question you'd like and I will answer it. Seriously, I will answer ANY question with complete honesty. Just leave your questions in the comments section. I hope that the question askers will be brave enough to use their real names, but if you aren't comfortable with it I will still answer the questions left by Annonymous readers. Let's have em!!

PS - I am going to be really sad if no one asks me anything. :-)

Things I've never done

-Sang karaoke

-Been bowling

-Been a brunette

-Traveled out of the country (Except Ensenada, Mexico - which I don't think counts)

-Been on a true blind date

-I've never had a temple recommend

-Been skiing, snowboarding, or participated in any cold weather activity of any kind.

-Been to the top of Mt. Timpanogos

-Hiked the Y

-Had a passport

-Broken a boy's heart (that I'm aware of)

-Been horseback riding

-Used a pay phone