I want to move far far away...

I want to leave Utah, permanently. Today I drove my Dad to an appointment in Salt Lake and as we drove home I got a different feeling about my surroundings. Aside from the weather I've always enjoyed living in Utah. My immediate family was here, my circle of friends, and I had a great job. In the past I have thought about what it would be like to live in another state, but I never really had anything pushing me to go. Whenever I would get the urge to branch out of the Utah County bubble I knew I had the option of moving north to Salt Lake for more culture and a different set of people. But the idea of Salt Lake isn't enough anymore.

I hate Utah. I think it's awful. For starters, I LOATHE the weather. We used to have four distinct seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. But in recent years we've had cold more than half the year. Spring consists of a few warm days and then bam! it's 95 degrees for three months and then it's back to freezing my ass off. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding so winter sports are not a draw for me.

Next, I don't like a lot of the people here. Say what you want, but the people of Utah are SO judgemental. I have a theory, and it involves the predominate religion so I won't go into it but I wish people  could just be more accepting of others.

I am unemployed and have been for some time now. I have been looking for a job, any job for 6 months. And let's not forget the 6 months I looked for work after things ended with Doba. It is an employers market, and while I have a lot of experience and I am a great worker, there are so many people looking for work. It's just been a struggle for a year now and I just want a new landscape with different companies and more opportunities.

I have slim to none friends here anymore. Anyone I considered a friend once has now gotten married and are starting families. And that is wonderful, but it's hard to keep a friendship strong when you are at totally different stages in life. I need a new circle.

You know the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'? Well I'd like a chance to prove that saying wrong. My past/current situation seems to follow me here no matter where I go. I'm at the doctor and I get asked about my Mom. I go to the grocery store and the checkers ask about my Dad or my sister. I go on job interviews and they know my former co-workers or bosses and they want to know why I would EVER quit working for them. Gahg. If only I could say the things I really want to say. Whatever. I just want to go someplace where no one knows me or my situation. I want a clean slate.

Lastly, I am pretty well finished with the church. The church was once a thing that kept me near Utah as I thought it was something I always wanted to have in my life. I also had this notion that my odds in finding "the one," the guy I'm supposed to build a life with were higher if I stayed in a place that was filled with men of the LDS faith. Well, I don't believe those things anymore. I don't believe in "the one". I believe that we chose who we want to mold ourselves to in order to build a life together. Someone wasn't made for us. A person can make life work with more than just one person. And as for the church,  if at some point I decide to participate and incorporate it back into my life I don't have to be in Utah for that.

I'm not sure where I will end up yet and it won't happen for a while, but I do know one thing for certain, I want out of Utah. There's just nothing left here for me.

The Jinx Factor

I had a job interview this week at a really cool company that I thought went fantastic. Unfortunately I wasn't offered the position. (I'd link to the company, but since they didn't think I was a good fit I don't really care to give their site any traffic muahaha!) I was/am really bummed about it. I really wanted to work there; it has so much potential for growth and I know I could have made huge contributions. At first I was really pissed, but at the end of the day it's just one more thing to chalk up to my 'Jinx Factor'.

I feel like I jinx myself all the time. I get excited about something and so naturally I want to share my excitement. I spill the beans with someone and inevitably this is a sign to the universe that it should shit all over my happiness and put an immediate halt to it. This doesn't apply only to potential employment opportunities either it happens with guys all the time. I start dating someone and things start to progress, I get excited and happy and share what's going on with my sister or whomever and within a few days said guy will disappear without explanation and I'm left with inquiries of the status of my once budding relationship. It happens every time without fail. You'd think that by now I would just keep my mouth shut and just maybe something would work out in my favor, but apparently I haven't learned my lesson quite yet.

The Jinx factor goes along the same lines as the 'Date-me-in-order-to-find-who-you-really-want routine'. I cannot even count how many times I have dated a guy for a few months only to realize they don't want any sort of commitment, things fizzle out between us and then I get the lovely piece of mail 4-6 months later announcing their engagement to the girl they dated after me. Seriously?

I am so tired of life. I have lost all belief in human decency, family, loyalty, and love. I am so tired of trying to keep faith in things that just aren't there. Or maybe I'm just an insomniac and can't think clearly anymore. I've been trying to do productive things during the night when I should be sleeping instead of watching TV shows and movies. I've been knitting and coloring (really productive I know) and at 5AM this morning I decided to rearrange my bedroom. Here's some pictures of the final results. I think it's kinda cute and I like that I have some where to put on my make up now instead of sitting on the floor. :)

Operation: Oasis

I'm sure most of you know that my home/family situation has recently become far less than ideal. It's been rough. When your parents divorce it is hard no matter your age or where you may be in life. I guess I always thought my parents would go the distance, but through this I have come to realize that my mother and father are not invincible. They are simply people that make choices and mistakes and they have to do what they have to in order to hold on to happiness. They will always be Mom and Dad even if they aren't under the same roof or even in the same time zone. And at the end of the day I truly want each of them to be healthy, whole, happy individuals.

I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.

Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.

So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!

Comfort and Loneliness

Author's note: I know this post is a little 'after school special' and epically long but deal with it. :)

Have you ever craved to be touched by another person? Not like you're hungry for some sweet lovin and need to get laid (although that'd be nice too he he). I mean you just want to be touched or held or just be close enough to a man (or woman) that you can hear their heart beat. I do a lot lately. And I just got this incredible wave of loneliness come over me. It's a terrible feeling. I just feel so empty. And while I'm really happy and content like I mentioned in this post, I'm really craving to be cuddled up on the couch and to have someone else's hand in mine. Is it possible to be happy and content but lonely at the same time? Does one cross out the other? The last time I cuddled with someone it didn't mean anything to him; nor did it mean anything to me with the guy before that or the guy before that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cuddled with a guy and it was mutually meaningful. That is so terribly sad.

Sometimes I wish intimacy was the way it was in high school. Cuddling with someone was a big deal, it was always so sweet and exciting. I could feel the guy's heart beating when I'd lay my hand or my head on his chest. Cuddling now just doesn't mean what it did then. Kisses have similarly lost their eminence. 'So did you guys kiss?' was always the first question asked by girlfriends after arriving home from a date and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I feel like as you get older the little pieces of dating lose some of their za za zoom. Or maybe it's a choice? Can you chose to allow yourself to get the dating butterflies and the blushing cheeks after you've been in the dating game for 10+ years? Or do you think that the failures of previous relationships cause you to build walls and not allow for the za za zoom-iness to take over?

It's interesting to me how comforting a simple touch can be. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time. It was around this time that I found out about the abnormal cells in the mole I had removed. I was terrified. I had convinced myself I had skin cancer and with the location of the mole I was sure it had spread to all my important baby making parts and I wouldn't be able to have children. My mind was on repeat of the worst possible scenario. I was really freaking out about the entire thing. Obviously, I know I was blowing everything way out of proportion, but those were just the thoughts running through my head for days and days. My Mom ended up staying with me at my place for a few nights just so I wouldn't be alone. Having her there was such a blessing. She was my sounding board to all of the awful thoughts running the mind marathon of 2010 in my brain. She was so comforting. It's a Mom thing I think. I just felt better knowing she was right there with me. When I lost my job at SOS last week I immediately called my Mom and she was at my apartment within just a few minutes. When she got there she gave me a great big hug, we sat down and I laid my head on her leg and just cried. She didn't have to say anything. Just having her hand on my shoulder while I cried in her lap curbed the pain, loneliness, and frustration I was experiencing at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I've felt a lot of loneliness over the last year I have always been surrounded by a wonderful system of support, comfort, and love from both family and friends. I need to do better job of remembering they are there for me and utilizing them instead of burying all my frustrations inside myself. Moving forward I hope that I can be part of the support system for others.