18 May 2010

Comfort and Loneliness

Author's note: I know this post is a little 'after school special' and epically long but deal with it. :)

Have you ever craved to be touched by another person? Not like you're hungry for some sweet lovin and need to get laid (although that'd be nice too he he). I mean you just want to be touched or held or just be close enough to a man (or woman) that you can hear their heart beat. I do a lot lately. And I just got this incredible wave of loneliness come over me. It's a terrible feeling. I just feel so empty. And while I'm really happy and content like I mentioned in this post, I'm really craving to be cuddled up on the couch and to have someone else's hand in mine. Is it possible to be happy and content but lonely at the same time? Does one cross out the other? The last time I cuddled with someone it didn't mean anything to him; nor did it mean anything to me with the guy before that or the guy before that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cuddled with a guy and it was mutually meaningful. That is so terribly sad.

Sometimes I wish intimacy was the way it was in high school. Cuddling with someone was a big deal, it was always so sweet and exciting. I could feel the guy's heart beating when I'd lay my hand or my head on his chest. Cuddling now just doesn't mean what it did then. Kisses have similarly lost their eminence. 'So did you guys kiss?' was always the first question asked by girlfriends after arriving home from a date and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I feel like as you get older the little pieces of dating lose some of their za za zoom. Or maybe it's a choice? Can you chose to allow yourself to get the dating butterflies and the blushing cheeks after you've been in the dating game for 10+ years? Or do you think that the failures of previous relationships cause you to build walls and not allow for the za za zoom-iness to take over?

It's interesting to me how comforting a simple touch can be. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time. It was around this time that I found out about the abnormal cells in the mole I had removed. I was terrified. I had convinced myself I had skin cancer and with the location of the mole I was sure it had spread to all my important baby making parts and I wouldn't be able to have children. My mind was on repeat of the worst possible scenario. I was really freaking out about the entire thing. Obviously, I know I was blowing everything way out of proportion, but those were just the thoughts running through my head for days and days. My Mom ended up staying with me at my place for a few nights just so I wouldn't be alone. Having her there was such a blessing. She was my sounding board to all of the awful thoughts running the mind marathon of 2010 in my brain. She was so comforting. It's a Mom thing I think. I just felt better knowing she was right there with me. When I lost my job at SOS last week I immediately called my Mom and she was at my apartment within just a few minutes. When she got there she gave me a great big hug, we sat down and I laid my head on her leg and just cried. She didn't have to say anything. Just having her hand on my shoulder while I cried in her lap curbed the pain, loneliness, and frustration I was experiencing at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I've felt a lot of loneliness over the last year I have always been surrounded by a wonderful system of support, comfort, and love from both family and friends. I need to do better job of remembering they are there for me and utilizing them instead of burying all my frustrations inside myself. Moving forward I hope that I can be part of the support system for others.

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