I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.
Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.
So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!