28 July 2010

Operation: Oasis

I'm sure most of you know that my home/family situation has recently become far less than ideal. It's been rough. When your parents divorce it is hard no matter your age or where you may be in life. I guess I always thought my parents would go the distance, but through this I have come to realize that my mother and father are not invincible. They are simply people that make choices and mistakes and they have to do what they have to in order to hold on to happiness. They will always be Mom and Dad even if they aren't under the same roof or even in the same time zone. And at the end of the day I truly want each of them to be healthy, whole, happy individuals.

I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.

Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.

So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!


Anne Nichols said...

Hi Meagan, I'm sorry to hear about what's going on in your life right now. As a child of divorced parents I understand completely the emotions you're experiencing. My parents divorced, remarried other people, and have since divorced from those spouses as well. Growing up I always felt abandoned and uprooted and never really felt like I had somewhere safe to be. If you ever need to talk just let me know. Also, I can give you some knitting lessons if you'd like. :)

Cyndi said...

It's amazing how much parents can affect us even as adults. That's one lesson I've learned pretty well. :P If you ever want to get together to knit just let me know. I still live in Orem so I'm not too far away. Hope everything starts turning your way soon. :D Feel free to email me anytime.


PDCScarbroughpage said...

I won't pretend to understand cause even though my parents have divorced/remarried/divorced/dated, I realize its different for everyone and as an adult I'm sure its different than my experience. However, I definitely felt all those things to, at different times, healed a bit, then went back through them in a cycle until I was truly healed. The most important thing is to realize you can still have family and that you are an individual that can change the course of your life and make your own decisions although their decisions affect you- don't let them scare or control you. I'm sorry you're going through this- hopefully the creative outlet will be a blessing and get you back into doing something you love!

Anonymous said...

I understand a great deal what you go through when your parents divorce, especially when you as the child is an adult now! I feel like it was harder for me to cope with it my parents divorce being an adult than it would have been when I was younger! Love you Meagan and I want you to know I feel your pain and frustration! Let's go get coffee sometime.

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