#11 - I'd Rather Be Rich

Challenge prompt - Would you rather be rich or healthy?

I want enough money to do this.

With the many health problems I have suffered in the past and present, I think most people would think I'd prefer to be healthy. But I wouldn't. I'd rather be rich. Here's my logic: If I had enough money I could go to other doctors/specialists, get tests done, afford different medications, or come up with different treatment plans that would help or alleviate a lot, or possibly all of my symptoms.

For example my back. I have severe arthritis. It's not going to go away, it's only going to get worse as I age. I know this. But there are other treatments that could really help with the constant pain. There are some injects that I'd like try that may help a great deal with the pain for months or even years. I wouldn't have to take daily pain meds just to get up and around in the morning. These injections, with my worthless insurance plan start at $1000 for the first set. If I want sedation (which you do, when someone is injecting a huge needle into your spine) it's an additional $350. Additional inject sites may or may not be needed based on the relief you get from the first try. I can't afford that. And their payment plans are not a good option. I'll never be able to afford it, so I'll continue with the $20 pain pill prescription each month. But that has it's side effects.

My ears. There's got to be something causing the fluid retention in them. I haven't always had this problem. Luckily, I've found something that helps with the symptoms, but it's not a cure. And I can't afford to try anymore specialists and tests. It's just not going to happen.

My health problems may not ever go away, even with an endless supply of money. I just feel like I could make more attempts to get them resolved if I did.

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I want to save my blog from extinction. So I'm doing a 30 day challenge. I'll answer one of these prompts each day.

See prompt 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, and 10.

Thanks for reading!

Fitness and Nutrition Update

So I wanted to give everyone that still reads this an update on the fitness and nutrition changes I've made. We got a new gym a few months ago (Planet Fitness) in Orem about a mile or so from my house. As soon as I saw the 'coming soon' signage I knew I wanted to join. Well I did it. And I've been going almost every day. And I'm freaking in LOVE.

When I was taking prednisone for my ears everyday I gained close to 50 fucking pounds. Anyone that has been on that for an extended period of time knows it's inevitable. There's nothing you can do to stop it, don't even try. Anyway, the extra weight on my 5'3" frame is obviously not a good thing. I had this idea in my head that once I stopped taking it the weight would come off on it's own naturally. It didn't. So I faced it and made a choice about a month ago and I knew the only way I would start to look and feel normal again was to work the weight off through the gym and change my diet. So I bought a gym pass and am doing just that.

Originally, my goal was to just get my ass to the gym 4 times a week. But now, I go in with a purpose and push myself a little harder each day. I have tried all of the cardio machines available. I've never been a big fan of the bikes and the treadmill is hard on my joints. I landed my heart on the Arc Trainer. I LOVE it. The first time I got on it I did 5 minutes and thought I was going to DIE. 2 days later I got back on and went 20. And now I am doing no less than 35 minutes each time. It is super low impact on my joints but it burns calories twice as fast as the treadmill or elliptical. If you've not tried one I seriously recommend it. I am dripping in sweat when I get off that thing. It's magic. In addition, I am doing the 30 min full body circuit training they have set up 3x per week. That's good too and I feel my body (especially my back) getting stronger.

As far as my diet goes, that has completely changed. I used to eat 2 maybe 3 meals containing tons of processed crap a day. I've cut out everything processed. My diet consists of mostly fruits, vegetables, and whole wheats and grains. And I eat 5 small meals/snacks a day. I didn't (and don't plan to) cut out Coke and Dr. Pepper. That's not a realistic goal for me. I just seriously cut down. I have one can with lunch. I keep track of all my food intake and exercise on MyFitnessPal.com. Since I've made these changes (roughly around the 4th of January) I've lost 8 pounds. Go me go! I am sleeping a bit better at night and I don't eat based on emotion or what 'sounds good' anymore. I think of food as fuel now and it's changed everything. I'll do another update in a week.

In the last week....

I've fallen in love with these things!

  

Gym Magic

Day 7/Final Post

So I think this will be my last daily post on this subject. I've successfully gone from 50mg Percocet and/or Lortab each day down to 10-15mg/day in 7 days. I'm pretty pleased with myself! A few more days and I'll be at zero. I know I still have lots of work ahead of me on this self improvement project but I'm well on my way. Even after only 7 days my head is more clear and I feel like I have a better handle on working through my aches and pains than before. I hope to hear about my MRI on Monday.

Thank you to everyone for the support and love through comments, emails, and texts! It is so appreciated and helped keep me motivated to complete this process!

Early Morning of Day 5

I can't sleep. My heart was pounding so hard it woke me up. I HATE not sleeping and it's too late to take another Ambien. So, I've been reading blogs on other people getting off medications and lower back pain. And I started Sons of Anarchy over. I love me some SAMCRO. If you don't watch that show currently, you need to get on it. I mean Charlie Hunnam. Need I say more?

I got in for a 90 minute massage last night after I posted Day 4. It totally relaxed my body. Except I'm not sure it really helped my back pain, it's traveling down the back of my left leg now and it's like wrapping around my hip into my stomach. It almost feels like I have a ovarian cyst, only I can feel the direct "pain line" if you will from my back.

This MRI better give me some answers. I'm terrified they are going to tell me I have early signs of my Dad's diseases: DISH and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Read those and you'll know why. I don't know what I would do or how I would handle that news. I'd probably be in a dark room with a bottle or two of tequila for a few days. I have 3 mini bottles of Sprite, 1 can of Coke, and 3 cans of Dr. Pepper sitting around in my room. I should probably just quit all of my vices while I'm at it. Hahaha, I have no intention of giving up my Coke and DP any time in the near future. That's just stupid.

Thanks to everyone for the flood of supporting comments, emails, and texts. It really means so much to me. I was pretty nervous about putting all of this out there, but I think it really was the best idea. I feel like it has given me a huge level of accountibility. I have thought every single day that I just want to go back on my medicine full throttle. I could if I wanted to, no one is forcing me to quit this treatment plan, it's 100% my choice. But I feel like it would be disappointing to the almost 300 unique visitors to my site in the last 4 days. Apparently, people like reading about detoxing and drugs? Anyway, thank you for the support. I appreciate it.

Day 4

Today was much better, I got my MRI scheduled for Friday morning. I slept through the night, could focus, and I didn't cry once! Go me!  I'll decrease my meds again tomorrow so it will probably start over again. What a shit storm I've gotten myself into.

Day 3

My back hurts. I'm seriously cranky. I have no patience for anything whatsoever. I can't focus for more than 3 minutes at a time. I cried three times today and can't remember why. I bought a new blu-ray to get me out of the house. That's all.

End of Day 2

Well I survived Day 2 - on three pills. My back kills and I feel like my whole body is pressing against something. Like you know the doorway trick where you stand in a doorway and push your arms outward as hard as you can for like 20 seconds and then you step out of the doorway and your arms magically float? Yeah, I feel like that. Only I haven't stepped out of the doorway for HOURS. I might try to get in somewhere for a massage tomorrow, but we'll see how it goes. Its been interesting how many people from my past have sent messages, comments, or texts of support compared to how many currently people in my life that have said absolutely nothing. Some of the sneezing and congestion have subsided. And I would kill for a strawberry milkshake right now, but I really just don't have the energy to go get one. I might get one for breakfast ha ha. It's dairy and fruit...like fruit and yogurt. What? It's healthy.

I still absolutely can't live without: Tonka, David Bromstad from Design Star, and my Dad. :)

Day 2

I went to bed at about 11:00PM last night and slept until about 4:30AM. I am trying to taper down my usage until I'm not taking any more meds instead of just stopping cold turkey. (Side note: I hate the term "cold turkey". What does that even mean?) So, according to the master plan I could have/was supposed to take a pill last night when I went to sleep, but in all my over-achiever glory I decided to see if I could make it through the night without it. So I lasted until 4:30AM and took one. The pain in my back woke me up at about 8AM. So this morning isn't awesome, but I am not in agony. My back is on fire and I might try to get in the tub for a bit to calm it down. And my head is really congested. My eyes keep watering and I have sneezed like 15 times. I know I don't have a cold, it's just part of the process.

Things I absolutely could not live without right now: Tonka and Design Star. And Gatorade. Guys, everyone should get a dog. They just know things. Tonka has not left my side since I got in bed last night. And he's not being annoying play with me! Play with me! -Tonka. He's just being sweet, cuddly, I know you feel like shit Mom, Tonka. :) He's the best.

Thanks to everyone that has texted or made comments of support. I appreciate it.

Awake My Soul

I feel like this post could back fire on me but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm hoping it will give me a support system, but if I offend a few readers in the process so be it. So here's some background for you: the last 3 years or so I've lost myself. The girl I was in 2007 is gone. She doesn't exist, I don't know what happened to her but she's gone. It started slowly, there wasn't one single event, that made me lose track of who I am, it was just life. People got sick, finances got hard, I lost and found love, I grew up and I changed. In the midst of evolving as a person I somehow started to care less and less about everything. It became a philosophy for me: Lower expectations to avoid disappointment.

In 2008 I slipped on the icy steps on our front porch and ended up breaking my tailbone. It was awful. Since then I have had increasingly worse lower back/tailbone area pain. It started out bothering me here and there and then it was just bad in the mornings until quickly it was a constant everyday pain. I went to the doctor and we tried everything. I've done physical therapy (twice), massage therapy, chiropractic, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine patches, changed my mattresses, ibuprofen, naproxen, etc. Seriously, I've done all of those things to relieve the pain in my back and none of them were successful. While doing all of these treatment plans I would take Lortab (hydrocodone) when it was really really hurting. I was able to take one 7.5mg Lortab and I wouldn't have any pain for 6-8 hours. I quickly became tolerant and it was bumped to 2/day; then 3/day until finally I was at 1-2 pills 3 times per day. In the Fall of 2009 I went to the doctor and told him I was sick of the yo-yoing of the medications throughout the day (ie feel good for 3 hours but then be in pain until for a few hours until I could take my next dose). I told him I wanted to get on an extended release pain pill so that I could take 2 pills a day instead of 6. He put me on MS Contin and my pain was under control much better. After about 3 weeks of that it really started giving me some scary thoughts and feelings so I went back in and got back on the Lortab at 6-8 pills/day. The same time I broke my tailbone was when my ears started getting really out of control. Basically, I felt like complete shit 24 hours a day.

Fast forward to today, my ears are somewhat under control, but my back pain is the same as ever. I recently switched the Lortab to Percocet because it wasn't working as well. So, I am taking 6-8 Percocet a day and it really helps control my pain. But there are some side effects that come along with any daily narcotic usage. 1- Anxiety. Especially when I start to run out of pills. I know that my doctor will refill my script, but there is this major fear that for some reason he won't this month and I'm gonna have to come off them cold turkey. I hate that fear. 2- I feel nothing, I'm numb. Getting back to my "I don't care philosophy" - the pills just increase those feelings ten fold and I know that I've cut myself off from personal relationships because of it. 3-I don't know what pain is anymore. It's to the point where I don't make myself work through any sort of pain on my own. My back hurts? Take a pill. Have a headache? Take a pill. Feeling depressed? Take a pill. Can't sleep? Take a pill. I literally take a pill for everything. I have no real sense of what my pain level actually is anymore. I'm sick of it.

The point of this whole post is that I have decided to come off all the pills. I started tapering down today. About 2 hours ago to be exact. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need to get back to zero so I can access what my real pain is. And hopefully get a little more clarity in my head at the same time. I have to find myself again before it's too late. I want to care about things again. I want to feel happiness and sadness again, because I honestly don't feel anything. In the words of Mumford & Sons, I'm going to awake my soul. Wish me luck.

Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and Ill just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep totally free.
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Best thing ever

I've become a little obsessed with drinking Gatorade over soda and water lately. I'm not as tired when I drink it instead of water. Probably all the electrolytes. Anyway, I love these little mix with water yourself Gatorade powders! Each of these will make 8 32oz Gatorade's. They have 3 powdered flavors and you can get them at any grocery store in the Juice aisle.

Toothache

My tooth is killing me! Ughh. So about 8 months ago I had a crown fall off. It didn't break, it just fell off.  I haven't had a lot of extra cash to make a dentist appointment so, I just kept my crown and have been going about my business. I do my best to not chew on that side of my mouth and my tooth (or lack there of) hasn't bothered me until the last few days, but this morning I woke up to it KILLING me. It seriously hurts so much! I feel like my tooth has a heart beat. I've been putting ice chunks in my mouth and letting them melt around my tooth just to see if that will calm it down. And I know it must be bad since I take Lortab around the clock for my back and it's still hurting even with that in my system. I guess I can't put off a dental appointment any longer. Boo.

14 days and counting

Guys. I don't even know if I want to post this for fear that I will jinx it. But it's so freaking exciting (mostly just for me) I have to. Are you ready for it? Drum roll please.................... For two whole weeks now I have had zero fluid in my ears!! ZERO! There's no pressure or pain in my head and I can hear again! My ears are NORMAL. NORMAL!!! For two years (You can relive the saga here) I have dealt with this freaking fluid in my ears and head and sinuses and it is finally gone. Finally. Can you guys even believe it? I don't know who pulled their strings with the health gods, but THANK YOU! I will forever be in your debt. Seriously.

Doo Bee Doo Bee Doooo

I haven't blogged in a while, sorry about that. Actually, I am not sorry, it's my blog, learn to like it. Let's see I moved home, Tonka and Marley are BFF's, I'm on vaca in Cali which is weird and good, I am from the desert and I don't do humidity well, I'd Van Gogh my ears if I could, and now I'm waiting for Tommy Gavin to come on and it's taking foreverrrr. Sorry I don't have anything more exciting to report.

My hips hurt

Actually, hurt is an understatement. It's almost unbearable. I don't know the exact number, but I know for certain I have had more than 25 injections of Phenergan/Promethezine in my hips over the last 4 weeks. As a result, I am not nauseous, but I absolutely can not touch my hips or lay on either side. My hips are red, bruised, and extremely swollen. They hurt so badly I am wondering if there is infection or something? I don't know. My Dad administered most of them and he's been giving injections to my Mom for over 10 years, so I know we did them all correctly. We followed all the precautionary steps, everything was always sterile and clean, but there is risk of infection with any injection you get. I'm going to be brave and post these pictures of them. Anyway, I'll probably end up at the doctor again tomorrow if they still hurt this badly. Boo.

Home Health IV Program

So I haven't been able to keep food in me for over a month now. I either throw it up or it goes the other way about 15 minutes after I eat. My stomach cramps up and I am really nauseous and I am very dehydrated. So my doctor put me on the Home Health IV Program. Basically, I am on fluids and IV medications at home to keep me from dehydrating. Nurses come out and check my vitals and change the IVs when needed and draw blood. They will also administer the Phenergan shots in my hips so my Dad doesn't have to. So I have an IV in and I have just been crashing at my parents house this last week. I'm staying at my parents because we are thinking it could be something in my apartment making me sick. Sounds crazy, but we are having it tested for everything: mold, bugs, meth, drugs, etc...

Anyway, the anti-nausea medicine has to be administered in my hips. I am getting them every 6 hours. Needless to say, my hips are just knots. They are so tender, I can't really lay on my sides. But this being my 2nd round of treatment on the Home Health IVs I've figured out a few things.

This is my IV Pole - I call him Pete

Pete takes up a lot of space so sometimes I don't want to have to drag him everywhere I go around the house, especially in the bathroom, so I just hang the bag on the shower curtain loopy holder

This time around I have had to have a new IV put in 4 different times. They just get bumped and tugged on and then they won't drip properly, so we tape it down best we can like this:

And then I cut the top off a tube sock and make a little sleeve with a slit for my thumb. It's a pretty good system.

I was supposed to be on the IVs for 5 days, which means they should come out tomorrow night. I am feeling a lot better. I haven't thrown up and food is staying in me a lot longer. Hopefully I can be discharged tomorrow or Tuesday. I've got lots of packing and organizing to do for Operation: New Home! Have a great week everyone!

Update

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've had a few ideas for some interesting topics, but each time I start putting something together I lose interest. So I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay focused on this one.

I've been sick for going on 4 weeks now. I can't keep food in me at all. I've eaten 3 full meals (taco, sloppy joes, chicken and potatoes) in the last 4 weeks and I've thrown up each and everyone of them. Aside from those I munch on handfuls of crackers, cereal, and mashed potatoes, Sprite or Gatorade. I want a Cafe Rio burrito so badly right now, but I know it would kill me if I ate that! I just started another round of IV's and shots while staying at my parents. I'm getting Phenergan shots in my hips every 4-6 hours. My hips are SO sore and bruised. Each time I roll over it feels like an Indian Rug burn. Don't really know what is causing all these problems, but we think it might be something in my apartment. We're calling the city tomorrow to come out and test it for Meth. Sounds far fetched, but we've researched it and all my symptoms (and Holli's while she lived there for that matter) go hand in hand with long term Meth exposure. If it turns out to be that will be crazy!

Luckily for me, I've found a new place and I am really excited to move! I'll be moving to North Orem at the end of the month to the basement of one of my girl friend's from high school. The apartment is really cute and my living expenses will go down considerably too. I'll post some pictures once I get settled in.

Unfortunately, I lost my job with SOS this week. I was sad to see the opportunity go, but I understand. At least this time around there was not much of an emotional attachment since I wasn't there long. I am surprisingly optimistic about my next venture, whatever it may be. Strange, that must be the Prozac starting to work. So that's pretty much what I've got going on. I just need to get well so I can pack and move in like 15 days. If anyone would like to help me move it would be greatly appreciated!! :) Call me, text me, Facebook me, or leave me a comment and I'll be in touch. Peace.

Most Awesomest Week Ever

My hand is black and blue, turning yellow-green from the vein that blew; my crotch hurts and is shooting pain down my leg and into my lower stomach; and I spent $70 for a medication that mixed with another and got me an ambulance ride and a hospital stay that my doctor and/or pharmasist should have caught before I even took it. And to top it all off they didn't get out all of the "abnormal" cells from this bitch of a mole the first time they sliced into my groin so I get to do it all over again on the 4th of May. My week has been awesome. I wonder if I could turn this in for voting on the Most Awesomest Thing Ever? I think I could give The Internet a run for the number one spot.

Who would have known...

...that just a few hours after doing this post I would find a small rash on my arm, my whole body would start itching uncontrollably, my throat would feel like it was closing off, my tongue would swell up, and I'd go into shock! Oh and then I got to ride in an ambulance to the hospital, during which they blew a vein in my hand trying to start an IV, then almost gave me a heart attack by saying they were going to start me on Demerol, which I am severely allergic to. This is EXACTLY how I planned on my morning going!

Shesh! So to elaborate, I started taking an anti-depressant (Lexapro) last night for the first time at around 7:30PM. I was a little tired after I took it, but no big deal it would be time for bed soon. And lets face it, something making me a little sleepy each night wouldn't be the worst side effect in the world, I even thought maybe I'd be able to end the Ambien cycle. Anyway, went to bed all was well. I woke up around 3:45am, I actually slept really well last night so I was okay with it and I jumped on my laptop and did the post about that mole and caught up on my Google Reader. I got sleepy again around 4:50A so I went back to bed and got up with my alarm at 6AM. I showered and did my make up like usual. After I dried my hair I started to not feel very well, I was weak and light headed. I had some extra time though so I laid back in bed for 10 minutes and tried doing the breathing techniques that the therapist taught me to use when I felt anxiety coming on. They helped and I got up and started to straighten my hair. That's when I noticed this on my arm:

I finished getting ready and called the Mom. She told me to take some benadryl. We didn't have any. That's when I started itching and the "rash" started spreading. I got in the Jeep and figured I could stop at the hotel and surely Mom would have some benedryl then I could go to work. Unfortunately, she didn't, and I started to have trouble breathing. My tongue started to swell up, I was itching everywhere. I was light headed and I thought I was going to pass out. I couldn't breathe. It was the strangest feeling, I could breathe, but it was like the oxygen wasn't doing what it was suppose to. At this point I started to freak out. My Mom called 911 and the paramedics arrived shortly after. They got me in the ambulance and got an IV started (after blowing the vein in their first attempt). They gave me some Benedryl and the itching subsided. When I got to the hospital the doctor said that the rash wasn't a rash, it was Petechia. Basically all of the little blood vessels in my arm popped. Don't know how, but they think it was an interaction with the Lexapro and my diuretic (for my ears), Lasix. I took this picture a little while ago. Anyway, it was so scary! I'm home now and have been asleep most of the day. Hopefully, I won't have anymore of these lovely little episodes.