Awake My Soul

I feel like this post could back fire on me but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm hoping it will give me a support system, but if I offend a few readers in the process so be it. So here's some background for you: the last 3 years or so I've lost myself. The girl I was in 2007 is gone. She doesn't exist, I don't know what happened to her but she's gone. It started slowly, there wasn't one single event, that made me lose track of who I am, it was just life. People got sick, finances got hard, I lost and found love, I grew up and I changed. In the midst of evolving as a person I somehow started to care less and less about everything. It became a philosophy for me: Lower expectations to avoid disappointment.

In 2008 I slipped on the icy steps on our front porch and ended up breaking my tailbone. It was awful. Since then I have had increasingly worse lower back/tailbone area pain. It started out bothering me here and there and then it was just bad in the mornings until quickly it was a constant everyday pain. I went to the doctor and we tried everything. I've done physical therapy (twice), massage therapy, chiropractic, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine patches, changed my mattresses, ibuprofen, naproxen, etc. Seriously, I've done all of those things to relieve the pain in my back and none of them were successful. While doing all of these treatment plans I would take Lortab (hydrocodone) when it was really really hurting. I was able to take one 7.5mg Lortab and I wouldn't have any pain for 6-8 hours. I quickly became tolerant and it was bumped to 2/day; then 3/day until finally I was at 1-2 pills 3 times per day. In the Fall of 2009 I went to the doctor and told him I was sick of the yo-yoing of the medications throughout the day (ie feel good for 3 hours but then be in pain until for a few hours until I could take my next dose). I told him I wanted to get on an extended release pain pill so that I could take 2 pills a day instead of 6. He put me on MS Contin and my pain was under control much better. After about 3 weeks of that it really started giving me some scary thoughts and feelings so I went back in and got back on the Lortab at 6-8 pills/day. The same time I broke my tailbone was when my ears started getting really out of control. Basically, I felt like complete shit 24 hours a day.

Fast forward to today, my ears are somewhat under control, but my back pain is the same as ever. I recently switched the Lortab to Percocet because it wasn't working as well. So, I am taking 6-8 Percocet a day and it really helps control my pain. But there are some side effects that come along with any daily narcotic usage. 1- Anxiety. Especially when I start to run out of pills. I know that my doctor will refill my script, but there is this major fear that for some reason he won't this month and I'm gonna have to come off them cold turkey. I hate that fear. 2- I feel nothing, I'm numb. Getting back to my "I don't care philosophy" - the pills just increase those feelings ten fold and I know that I've cut myself off from personal relationships because of it. 3-I don't know what pain is anymore. It's to the point where I don't make myself work through any sort of pain on my own. My back hurts? Take a pill. Have a headache? Take a pill. Feeling depressed? Take a pill. Can't sleep? Take a pill. I literally take a pill for everything. I have no real sense of what my pain level actually is anymore. I'm sick of it.

The point of this whole post is that I have decided to come off all the pills. I started tapering down today. About 2 hours ago to be exact. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need to get back to zero so I can access what my real pain is. And hopefully get a little more clarity in my head at the same time. I have to find myself again before it's too late. I want to care about things again. I want to feel happiness and sadness again, because I honestly don't feel anything. In the words of Mumford & Sons, I'm going to awake my soul. Wish me luck.

Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and Ill just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep totally free.
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker