15 May 2010

I'm so zen right now

I woke up this morning with an odd sense of content; I'm not really sure how to explain it. I just had this feeling that things are in the correct place. Like I am where I'm supposed to be and my short term future plans are exactly what I should be doing. I've been on a path filled with negativity and "dooms day" feelings for months. MONTHS. But today, I woke up and things weren't so bad. I started taking an anti-depressant about 5 weeks ago and I'm thinking it's starting to take effect. And if the meds are what have given me this sense of peace then I'm very pleased.

I'm trying to see the big picture and I am noticing the blessings in my life again. First and foremost I am so very grateful for my family. They are my rock, my best friends, I can talk to my Dad, my Mom, Holli, and Madi about anything. I love each of them so very much.

I am so grateful for my Mom. I have been pretty ill for the last month and she has taken such good care of me - driving me to doctors appointments, staying at my place so I'm not alone and sick, 6 hour ER visits, picking up prescriptions, DEEP cleaning my apartment and taking care of Tonka while I'm on the IV therapy program at home-home. Thanks Mom.

My Dad has been wonderful at checking to see if I need anything, he's brought me meals, and giving me my shots of phenergan medicine every 6 hours. And he took me to the ER for another 4 hour visit. Thanks Dad.

Holli is my BFF! I can tell her anything. I am grateful for her comfort and that she has experienced the IV Home Health programs so whenever I have questions she usually knows the answers. And she brings me Sprites and the 2nd season of Bones. And she's just my bestie! Thanks Hoe.

Even though Madi is miles away she has IM'd me numerous times just to talk and that helps. I can talk to her about some of the thoughts and feelings associated with depression because she experienced it early on in her life. Thanks Moe.

And I can't forget Tonka. I know he is only a dog, but he is seriously my best little buddy. Even though he is only roughly 20lbs I feel safe with him. He protects me. He is really starting to follow commands, he knows when the doors aren't locked and will lay by my side all day if I am not feeling well. Tonka just knows things and he's turned into a really great dog and companion. I can't imagine life without him and I love him so much!

I'm very grateful for my friends as well. Even though I don't actually see most of them in person much anymore (and some I've never even met in person all) I really appreciate all of the Facebook messages, posts, emails and text messages of encouragement and love. Thank you Mark, Sunni, and Mike - Each of you hold a special place in my heart. And thank you Laci, Adam, and John for the wonderful comments on my blog posts. I always feel special when someone takes the time to not only read my blog post, but then takes the extra step to comment. I need to make more of an effort to comment on others blogs.

I'm not sure how to put this in words, especially with all of the "God hates me" type feelings and thoughts I've expressed over the last 9ish months, but I am learning to be grateful for my trials. They are hard and often times I feel like I am walking through life blindfolded but I am learning again that everything happens for a reason and if I change my attitude I will see what I need to do to move forward in the right direction. For example, when I read Ari's blog post about the available apartment she and her husband have to rent I got this warm feeling and I just knew it was something I needed to look into. I did, fell in love with the space, and I'm moving in June 1st. I am SO excited to move. I feel like there is such a happy spirit in their home and my new place in their basement. I am very grateful for this new opportunity. I have had so many rough times in my current apartment that I think it will be good for me to start in a new place and do my best to make happier memories.

I am making an effort to sort out what I think and feel about the church. I haven't been active in many years, but I know that I need to ask questions about the things that I don't understand in order to make an informed decision about it. I always felt like it was all or nothing with the church, but that train of thought is just too overwhelming for me. So what I am doing right now is reading one chapter of the Doctrine & Covenants each day and saying my prayers every morning and every night. That is what I can do right now. If I choose to continue on this path I'll know what my next steps will be. I think part of this content feeling is because I have opened the lines of communication with the Lord again.

I am in the market for a job again. But it's different this time around. I have a better attitude and I am excited to find my next opportunity. Also there isn't as much pressure to make X amount of money because my living expenses will decrease immensely with my moving and not driving to SLC each day. I would prefer to work in Utah County, but if I find the right company I'd be willing to commute north again. If anyone has leads on an assistant or receptionist type position please email me (link on the right) or give me a call.

I am seeing the big picture again and while it can be overwhelming I am learning that I don't need to fix all of my faults and short comings at once. I don't have to live my life with an all or nothing attitude about everything. It's okay to take baby steps and that is what I am doing.

3 comments:

Alissa said...

I'm so happy for you Meagen! Such a positive post along with such a positive outlook. I love your philosophy on the all or nothing thing, really there is a middle ground and we all just struggle to balance it out. Anyway such good news. And how fun that you're moving in to Ari's basement apartment!

PDCScarbroughpage said...

Beautiful thoughts.

John said...

I got a mention! I feel so special!
Sorry I haven't been around as much as I used to, my friend. I really need to get back into blogging on a steady basis again.

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