30 October 2010

I want to move far far away...

I want to leave Utah, permanently. Today I drove my Dad to an appointment in Salt Lake and as we drove home I got a different feeling about my surroundings. Aside from the weather I've always enjoyed living in Utah. My immediate family was here, my circle of friends, and I had a great job. In the past I have thought about what it would be like to live in another state, but I never really had anything pushing me to go. Whenever I would get the urge to branch out of the Utah County bubble I knew I had the option of moving north to Salt Lake for more culture and a different set of people. But the idea of Salt Lake isn't enough anymore.

I hate Utah. I think it's awful. For starters, I LOATHE the weather. We used to have four distinct seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. But in recent years we've had cold more than half the year. Spring consists of a few warm days and then bam! it's 95 degrees for three months and then it's back to freezing my ass off. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding so winter sports are not a draw for me.

Next, I don't like a lot of the people here. Say what you want, but the people of Utah are SO judgemental. I have a theory, and it involves the predominate religion so I won't go into it but I wish people  could just be more accepting of others.

I am unemployed and have been for some time now. I have been looking for a job, any job for 6 months. And let's not forget the 6 months I looked for work after things ended with Doba. It is an employers market, and while I have a lot of experience and I am a great worker, there are so many people looking for work. It's just been a struggle for a year now and I just want a new landscape with different companies and more opportunities.

I have slim to none friends here anymore. Anyone I considered a friend once has now gotten married and are starting families. And that is wonderful, but it's hard to keep a friendship strong when you are at totally different stages in life. I need a new circle.

You know the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'? Well I'd like a chance to prove that saying wrong. My past/current situation seems to follow me here no matter where I go. I'm at the doctor and I get asked about my Mom. I go to the grocery store and the checkers ask about my Dad or my sister. I go on job interviews and they know my former co-workers or bosses and they want to know why I would EVER quit working for them. Gahg. If only I could say the things I really want to say. Whatever. I just want to go someplace where no one knows me or my situation. I want a clean slate.

Lastly, I am pretty well finished with the church. The church was once a thing that kept me near Utah as I thought it was something I always wanted to have in my life. I also had this notion that my odds in finding "the one," the guy I'm supposed to build a life with were higher if I stayed in a place that was filled with men of the LDS faith. Well, I don't believe those things anymore. I don't believe in "the one". I believe that we chose who we want to mold ourselves to in order to build a life together. Someone wasn't made for us. A person can make life work with more than just one person. And as for the church,  if at some point I decide to participate and incorporate it back into my life I don't have to be in Utah for that.

I'm not sure where I will end up yet and it won't happen for a while, but I do know one thing for certain, I want out of Utah. There's just nothing left here for me.


Andrea said...

I can definitely understand that feeling. I am stuck here in Utah because of the kids, but I have often fantasized about leaving. Of course my reasons are very different than yours. I actually enjoy the cold weather and am fine with only a few months of good wakeboarding weather.

As far as the church goes, well, that's a personal thing, but I can tell you that there are many talks debunking the myth of some perfect soul mate out there searching for you and vice versa. There's not. (Sorry for those of you who still believe in the Easter Bunny.) In fact, I remember a talk I heard while growing up stating that there wasn't, but that we have to search for someone who can be our best friend.

I remember just a couple years ago, I was 27 and single, my brother/best friend had just died and I was really struggling, I had broken up with a guy I thought I was going to marry and I was at school for like 36 hours a day just trying to survive and the student loans were adding up. (Oi, I have a lot of student loans.) I just wanted to be somewhere else. That's really what it came down to. I isolated myself from the friends I did have (who had recently gotten married and all that it entails), stopped caring about church and created a shell around me. Then one day, I started putting myself out there again and got into an entirely different scene. I'm not sure that particular crowd was what was best for me, it is where I met Todd so that was good, but it was what I needed at that time.

I realized that it was more a matter of needing to get away from everything that weighed me down more than anything. Besides, something that I have learned, during the times when I have been away or from friends who have moved quite a bit, is that human nature is he same everywhere. There is judgment everywhere. It just comes in different forms. Our past follows us, so if we are running from what we know, will a change of location really help? We'll just be alone in a new location with the same sad thoughts.

Of course, there is something to be said for trying out a new culture and situation. I would love to try something new if the opportunity presented itself...for the adventure of it all. If I had a job offer, I'd be out of here in a second. I just don't let it become my answer.

Sorry for the sermon. I just wanted you to know that I have been there and understand.

Kristina said...

when you leave utah take me with you! i'm an excellent roommate :)

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