Failure

Lately I've been having these episodes, usually while driving. I am fine and then all of a sudden I feel like the world is falling apart. I burst into tears, its difficult to breathe, I usually get a big headache. I'm frozen with tears streaming down my face thinking of all the ways I suck at life, everything I need to do, bills I have no idea how to pay, how I am no where near who I thought I wanted to be at this stage in life, how lonely I am, how angry I get over stupid things. I feel like a complete failure.

I've been slowing moving down this path of darkness for a long time, losing my job was like a big kick in the back that just sent me rolling. I thought that what I needed was to get back to work. (Which on a side note, I am very grateful for being employed again and I am really loving my new job. I'm amazed at how much I feel like I've learned in just the two short months I've been there.) But, I thought that working would solve everything. It would solve my boredom and my financial state, it would help me meet new people. I thought it would stop these thoughts and feelings. I thought it would renew my hope in life. Some days I feel like I'm moving forward, but most of the time - like 95% of the time - I feel like I am standing still in this pit of darkness.

I think I've lost hope in life in general. My ears will always be full of fluid making me lightheaded. My back still hurts every single day. I still can't fall asleep on my own. And it's not just the health aspect of my life that gets me down. I have no hope that life will get any better than this, and I don't know how to change that perception on my own. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My one sister has a swarm of her own health problems that no one at 23 should have to deal with. They consume her life. My other sister lives in another state with a special needs baby and a fiance that is unemployed on a regular basis because he works in a field that pays really well, but work is far from consistent. My Dad is consumed with his own health problems, severe chronic back pain, and a recent hip replacement, with another on the books sometime in the next 9 months. And my Mother is so busy taking care of everyone else and putting out all of the fires that arise on a daily basis, not to mention working a full-time job I feel like at the end of the day, my being down in the dumps is really not that high on anyone's list of priorities. And it shouldn't be. I feel like I've really reached a breaking point, and I don't know what to do. I know my family is here for me and will support me and I don't want any of them that read this to be offended or upset with me. I love them unconditionally and I know they love me, but sometimes I just feel like everyone is so consumed with our their own problems I am left to push everything aside. I don't have friends, I have a dog. That's it.

Let me be clear that I am grateful for everyone that reads my blog and I love when people take time out of their day to read and even comment on things I ramble on about, but I don't want a bunch of "you can talk to me comments". While I appreciate the support, I really think this is beyond just needing someone to vent my frustrations to. My girl "friends" are married for the most part and I don't want to sound bitter or rude, but their lives seemed to have continued down the path presented to them in all our Sunday School and Young Women's church meetings. Mine did not. And while I have spent a great deal of time trying to come to terms with where I went wrong and why I haven't been able to get a man to make any sort of real commitment to me in over 5 years, I still don't understand. I have few male friends I'd feel comfortable bringing this too, they are mostly just concerned with themselves.

I was at the doctor having my back examined again this week and I had him inspect a mole that I have had for a few years that has been changing over the last few months. He did a biopsy of it and I'm waiting for the results, but he was concerned with how large it was and the location. I'm scared. Hopefully everything will be fine and normal, but I'm honestly terrified every time my phone rings. I spoke to the doctor about the panic attacks and he suggested I go speak with a therapist. And even though I never thought I'd be someone that needed professional help to sort out my problems, I don't feel like I have any other options right now.

I got an MRI of my lower back this afternoon, and while I lay in the confined tube I thought of all the potential questions the therapist might ask. And my train of thought brought me to an attempt to figure out when I was last trully happy. January 2008. Wow. 2 years since I can say I was happy. So sad. I hope this guy can help me sort of things out. I need some peace or I'll never be able to become who I want to be.

In addition to the therapy thing I have been seriously considering making an attempt to get involved with the church again. I need some direction and peace and the last time I had anything close to these I was some what active. I may breakout my old Bible and Book of Mormon. I need to find my Patriarchal blessing and that will help. I may also ask for a Preisthood blessing, although I'm not really sure what is and isnt appropriate when it comes to this and the guy I asked about it seemed like I was putting him on the spot or he was annoyed that I had asked so, so I guess I'll just find someone new to discuss it with. Anyway, I just want to be happy and whole and I want to be the kind of person a guy would like to spend the rest of his life with. I want to build a life with someone and right now I am filled with so much anger, resentment, loneliness, and fear I'm not ready. I just need some help to become the person I want to be.