It's back. My inability to see the bigger picture. Also, the high of getting a full paycheck is gone. I'm sober now and it sucks. I have never, in my life felt so overwhelmed by debt. Seriously, before six months ago all my bills were always paid on time and down to zero, I always had savings, I always had options. Everything was executed as planned. Then everything blew up and I'm stuck with absolutely no avenues to take, zero options. I can't see any light at the end of this tunnel. None whatsoever. And it's really giving me some extreme anxiety.
I'm back to regretting each and every decision I've made in the last 2 years. I'm overwhelmed with thoughts of "if I had done this instead..." I am very much someone who doesn't regret decisions, who can ignore the little crap and see the big picture, but right now, in the last 36 hours, I'm replaying EVERYTHING. From buying that iPod, to kissing that boy, to moving to my new apartment. I long to live in my old condo where rent was almost $300/mo cheaper. It was home and holds so many happy memories. My new apartment is not home. Everyday I feel like if I hadn't moved here, if I hadn't wanted to play by the rules when getting Tonka, if I hadn't wanted to give myself more space to fill with "for when I own a home items'' things wouldn't have gotten so out of hand financially. I would have been able to stay on top of bills or at least made an honest effort do minimum payments or something.
I was driving home from work yesterday and it all hit me like a tsunami wave, and I've had this knot in my stomach since. I sat in the car for 30 min staring at the steering wheel trying to make sense of it all after I got home. I have so much ground to catch up on, I don't know that I'll ever be ahead like I was before I moved. I hate this feeling. I just can't shake it. How did everything get SO bad? I don't understand. And it's not just my dire financial situation. How did my life get so off course? How did I let myself become so negative and bitter? And how did so many lives close to me do the same thing? I think back to times with some of my old friends and I just don't understand how we got from there to here. How did so many of us go from having big dreams and goals of education, love, family, traveling, and living life to the fullest to working 9-5 minimum wage jobs, paycheck to paycheck, with the highlight being getting bad cocktails at Iggy's at the end of the week? I know that each of us have our free agency to make our own decisions, but seriously what the hell? What happened to everyone that made us think these were the right decisions? Maybe we thought these avenues were the only options to make? I don't know. I just can't figure it out. This can't be as good as it gets, can it?