Sanctuary

I went tanning tonight for the first time in probably 8 months. It was legendary! It was the best 9 minutes I've had in months. Tanning is my sanctuary. AH, I love it.

Playing in the Snow

We got 8.5 inches of snow the last few days, most of it falling Monday night and Marley love love loves it! I played with him in it last night for about a half hour or so. He's getting pretty good at catching snowballs in his mouth if you throw them up in the air. Tonka struggles when there's that much snow on the ground...because his legs aren't that long. Mar usually has to run around and stomp it all down for a bit before Tonka can join in the fun. Here's a few pictures and a video of them in their winter gear playing in the snow. 

 

 

 

Snow Gear

Tonka is ready for the snow! I got a gift card (thank you!) to Walmart for Christmas so I used a bit of it to get the little monster a winter coat. I was worried he wouldn't like it since he tends to be anti-clothes, but I think since I don't have to put it over his head to get it on him he was okay with it. The hood is my favorite part. I love that it covers his belly, since that seems to be the part of him that gets the wettest when he plays in the snow.

Thoughts

So I redesigned my blog, obviously. It was definitely time for an overhaul and I like the end result. It's been over a year since I've made any changes to it and I really like the new options Blogger has available.

I'm so ready for the holiday season to be over with. Seriously, I know that people around me just want to help, but they just don't understand how no Christmas is so much easier than attempting some broken resemblance of one. Call me Scrooge, but there are some things that a Christmas tree and lights just can't fix. Sorry to burst your little bubble but I just want January to get here as soon as possible.

I miss Madi, Brady, and Kelvin. I wish I could see them more often. Things don't seem so bad when I'm around Kelvin. And Madi makes me laugh like only my sisters can. They just understand things that no one else can.

I just caught up on all the new posts in my Google Reader and I've decided I can't read Nie Nie Dialogues anymore. I feel for her situation and I think it's remarkable the trials she has overcome but I can't handle seeing anymore naked pictures of her kids. I mean honestly, her one son is like 4 and is running around the house completely naked in angel wings? You can see his boy parts in one of the shots. Does anyone else find this seriously disturbing? And apparently he still takes baths in the kitchen sink. I don't have kids, but I think sink baths stop being appropriate when your kids start crawling.

I used to think that I'd never wish someone ill, but lately, I want to study voodoo just so I can curse a few people. I can't take much more of this "trial period" in my life. I just become more cynical and bitter with each passing day. Nothing seems to change despite the efforts I make. There's this saying 'What you do in life echoes in eternity'. Well, I sure as hell hope so. There are a few people I hope never out run the choices they've made.

I hate my hair. It's terribly ugly. It's like 3 different shades of blonde and it hasn't been cut in at least 8 months. I want to get it done so badly but there's always something that comes up with a higher priority. I avoid mirrors because I'm repulsed by what I see. My hair isn't blonde or maintained, I'm no longer tan, and my once cute curvy figure is nonexistent. I feel like I lose a little bit of myself with everything that is taken away; my family, my car, my movies, my independence. I know material things don't make a person, but it's still a part of who I thought I was. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm living, but I don't remember the last time I felt alive.

The Best Chili Ever - Crock Pot Pinto Bean Chili

I've been craving homemade chili for a few days now. I've never tried to make any before so I looked up a few recipes online but I didn't find any that really jumped out at me so I decided to just wing it and hope for the best. I don't usually like to toot my own horn...but.. TOOT! TOOT! My chili came together just like I knew what I was doing! It's so yummy! So I thought I'd share my recipe with everyone. Enjoy!

4 C        cooked pinto beans (I used dry beans and followed the directions on the bag)
1 lb        ground beef, cooked (seasoned to taste with salt and pepper)
1 med    onion, chopped
1 med    green bell pepper, chopped
4 cloves fresh garlic, minced
4 8oz      cans tomato paste
1 15oz    can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp     crushed red pepper
2 tsp       sugar
1 tsp       cumin
1 tsp       oregano
1 tsp       kosher salt
1/2 tsp    black pepper
1/2 tsp    paprika

In a large non stick pot saute onion in a few tablespoons of water until they start to brown. You may need to add a little more water during the process to keep them from burning. Add bell pepper and garlic.   Cook until bell peppers soften. Add two cans of tomato paste, diced tomatoes, crushed red pepper, sugar, cumin, oregano, kosher salt, black pepper, and paprika. Fold in beef and pinto beans. Add remaining cans of tomato paste until desired liquidity is achieved. Once everything is mixed together, put chili into a crock pot and simmer on low heat for 1-2 hours. Serve with shredded cheese and sour cream. Enjoy!

Look familiar?

Thankful

Here's a few things I am grateful for-

Family, new and old

My small health miracle

My dogs, Tonka and Marley for making me feel safe

A few thoughtful and giving neighbors

TV on DVD

A car that runs in the snow

My laptop

Authors and books- I'm back into reading again

Holli and Madi - They are my sanity. I wish they knew how much they mean to me

14 days and counting

Guys. I don't even know if I want to post this for fear that I will jinx it. But it's so freaking exciting (mostly just for me) I have to. Are you ready for it? Drum roll please.................... For two whole weeks now I have had zero fluid in my ears!! ZERO! There's no pressure or pain in my head and I can hear again! My ears are NORMAL. NORMAL!!! For two years (You can relive the saga here) I have dealt with this freaking fluid in my ears and head and sinuses and it is finally gone. Finally. Can you guys even believe it? I don't know who pulled their strings with the health gods, but THANK YOU! I will forever be in your debt. Seriously.

Sisterly Advice

Me: I want to date a cowboy. I've decided that i am not going to look for a good guy or THE guy anymore. Just types of men I want to date I.E. a cowboy, a marine, etc.

Madi: Oooh I like it

Me: I know right? I mean I've dated the baseball boys and a fireman already

Madi: Ew. Go for nerds. They are the best

Me: hahaha

Madi: Seriously. Do you think I'm kidding

Me: No I don't hahaha that's why it's so funny

Madi: You don't know what it is like to always have a nice computer. Never have a broken 

phone, computer, anything again. It's wonderful. Go for the computer nerd! Only way to go!

Me: Hahaha

Madi: It's genius advice. It's tricky to find a cute one though. They are out there. Keep the faith. Start playing video games....seriously....boys will be lined up around the block....don't play Halo though. That's totally gay. Play real games like Gears of War.

Me: HAHAHAHHAHA!

Madi: I'm not joking about playing Halo, no one wants another "Halo Girl" VOMIT. We need more Gear girls wahooo!

All Time Favorite Movies

Fight Club

Brokeback Mountain

Crazy/Beautiful

As Good As it Gets

Jarhead

I want to move far far away...

I want to leave Utah, permanently. Today I drove my Dad to an appointment in Salt Lake and as we drove home I got a different feeling about my surroundings. Aside from the weather I've always enjoyed living in Utah. My immediate family was here, my circle of friends, and I had a great job. In the past I have thought about what it would be like to live in another state, but I never really had anything pushing me to go. Whenever I would get the urge to branch out of the Utah County bubble I knew I had the option of moving north to Salt Lake for more culture and a different set of people. But the idea of Salt Lake isn't enough anymore.

I hate Utah. I think it's awful. For starters, I LOATHE the weather. We used to have four distinct seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. But in recent years we've had cold more than half the year. Spring consists of a few warm days and then bam! it's 95 degrees for three months and then it's back to freezing my ass off. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding so winter sports are not a draw for me.

Next, I don't like a lot of the people here. Say what you want, but the people of Utah are SO judgemental. I have a theory, and it involves the predominate religion so I won't go into it but I wish people  could just be more accepting of others.

I am unemployed and have been for some time now. I have been looking for a job, any job for 6 months. And let's not forget the 6 months I looked for work after things ended with Doba. It is an employers market, and while I have a lot of experience and I am a great worker, there are so many people looking for work. It's just been a struggle for a year now and I just want a new landscape with different companies and more opportunities.

I have slim to none friends here anymore. Anyone I considered a friend once has now gotten married and are starting families. And that is wonderful, but it's hard to keep a friendship strong when you are at totally different stages in life. I need a new circle.

You know the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'? Well I'd like a chance to prove that saying wrong. My past/current situation seems to follow me here no matter where I go. I'm at the doctor and I get asked about my Mom. I go to the grocery store and the checkers ask about my Dad or my sister. I go on job interviews and they know my former co-workers or bosses and they want to know why I would EVER quit working for them. Gahg. If only I could say the things I really want to say. Whatever. I just want to go someplace where no one knows me or my situation. I want a clean slate.

Lastly, I am pretty well finished with the church. The church was once a thing that kept me near Utah as I thought it was something I always wanted to have in my life. I also had this notion that my odds in finding "the one," the guy I'm supposed to build a life with were higher if I stayed in a place that was filled with men of the LDS faith. Well, I don't believe those things anymore. I don't believe in "the one". I believe that we chose who we want to mold ourselves to in order to build a life together. Someone wasn't made for us. A person can make life work with more than just one person. And as for the church,  if at some point I decide to participate and incorporate it back into my life I don't have to be in Utah for that.

I'm not sure where I will end up yet and it won't happen for a while, but I do know one thing for certain, I want out of Utah. There's just nothing left here for me.

Vampire Movie Marathon

In honor of Halloween I am having a Vampire Movie Marathon today! I'm going to watch the Twilight, Blade, and Underworld series. Yay! Happy Halloween!

Book Worm

I'm back in the reading mood again and I love feeling this way. Maybe it's the finter weather (fall-winter get it? ha ha) making me want to curl up in bed or on the couch with Tonka, chai tea and a good book. Anyway, I've got my next few books already picked out but after that I am open to suggestions! So if you know of a book you think I'd enjoy leave me a comment and I'll check it out.

Currently, I am reading The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. I loved the first one and finished it in about six days. So I was pretty excited to find the second book in the series for only $10 at Borders while in California last week. 

Next on my list is to finish Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. I've got maybe 150 pages to go. I've enjoyed the Hunger Games Series. They are entertaining and simple to read. I haven't heard many good things about the 3rd book, Mockingjay, but I plan to read it at some point as well.

Once Catching Fire is finished I plan to read Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer. I've wanted to read it for a while but never think about it when I go to the book store. Turns out Holli has a copy and now it's waiting for me on my nightstand.

So, like I said after these are finished I am ready for suggestions, just leave me a comment. Also, I have been using the site Goodreads for about a year now and I really love it. If you are a big reader I highly recommend signing up. It tracks all the books you've read, plan to read, etc. You can read and write book reviews and participate in group discussions.

California Pictures

Here are the pictures I promised and a few more from the last Cali trip. It was a really great trip and I can't wait for the next one! 

Holli, Me, Brady, Madi, and KK at the 

Step Up for Down Syndrome Walk in Sacramento

Dog with dreads

Me and Holli

Holli on the top bunk of our sleeper car on the train

Me on the bottom bunk

Kelvin in the balls at school

Blue Valentine

I love Ryan Gossling and can't wait to see Blue Valentine The Movie.

KK and Step Up for Down Syndrome

I love my nephew Kelvin Kyler Love!! YAY! He's pretty much the cutest thing to ever walk the earth! Except he's not walking yet ha ha. Anyway, made another last minute trip to California and I got to spend a few days with him. He is just the happiest little guy, I love it! We got to participate in the Step Up for Down Syndrome walk in Sacramento and it was really fun, this is where I took this picure. Also at the walk I got registered on the Bone Marrow Donor list, which is cool. So if you need some marrow maybe you can have mine! AND I saw a dog with honest to god dreadlocks. I took pictures of him/her/it but they are on my camera and I forgot the cord so I'll add them later. Needless to say, this dog was awesome! I miss my dog and I can't wait to get home and see the Tonka-monster!

WORD

CLICK HERE

26 @ 26 Project

I saw this done on another blog I follow from time to time and I thought it would be fun to have a few simple goals to accomplish while I'm twenty-six. I'll do my best to take photographs or keep some memorabilia from each goal then use them to create the 26@26 mini-book. If I like how the year goes I may continue the tradition each year starting on my birthday.

8 Meals for $75

So it's kind of hard to cook at casa de Ridley because we don't eat a lot and someone is always sick, and there's only three of us and blah blah blah. Anyway Holli and I were tired of eating sandwiches and pop tarts so we decided to make a bunch of meals that we could freeze and then heat up when we wanted a bigger meal. So we made a list and went to Winco. We spent $75 and now we've got 8 meals and a batch of fruit salad and potato salad. I made one broccoli chicken casserole, two tater tot casseroles, 1 batch of chicken enchiladas and 1 batch of beef enchiladas. I also made 2 batches of chicken pineapple pitas. I also set aside enough meat to make some spaghetti! The best part is that we put everything into sizes that won't go to waste. I hate cooking a lasagna and 1/2 of it sits in the fridge for a week then eventually gets thrown out. So we got a few disposable foil containers that are the perfect size for 3 people and voila! Good meals in good sizes for a while. Go me go.

Bad Boys II

This is one of my favorite scenes from any movie ever. And I just found out they are making a Bad Boys 3. YAY! Also, if language offends you don't watch this or learn to like it.

Facebook Favorite

Comments

Is the Comments Form on my posts broken? Or does no one have anything to say? I used to get 2-3+ comments from various people on each post regardless of the content. But now the last two months or so I am lucky to get 1 comment if that. Just wondering if the process is broken, my content sucks, or no one cares to comment anymore?

Private

I'm toying with the possibility of making my blog private within the next couple of weeks. Get me your email address one way or another if you'd like access. Thanks, Management.

Brain Dump

I'm bored, like really bored. I've cleaned and vacuumed my bedroom, the TV room, the living room, and the kitchen (twice). I also cleaned my sister's room while she took a bath. I've done 4 loads of laundry with 2 more in the shoot. I took the meat down for dinner tomorrow. I've walked both the dogs, three days in a row. I gave myself a pedicure. I've watched more movies and TV shows than I could ever dream of wanting to watch. I've started my favorite book for the 3rd time.

Without my Ambien I sleep every other night. This is my non sleep night and I have nothing to do. I started a "sleep journal" actually it's more like a "lack of sleep journal". Tonka doesn't sleep with my anymore. He sleeps on a pillow in the living room until about 3AM when he gets so cold he wanders into my bed looking for warmth under the covers.

The Jinx Factor

I had a job interview this week at a really cool company that I thought went fantastic. Unfortunately I wasn't offered the position. (I'd link to the company, but since they didn't think I was a good fit I don't really care to give their site any traffic muahaha!) I was/am really bummed about it. I really wanted to work there; it has so much potential for growth and I know I could have made huge contributions. At first I was really pissed, but at the end of the day it's just one more thing to chalk up to my 'Jinx Factor'.

I feel like I jinx myself all the time. I get excited about something and so naturally I want to share my excitement. I spill the beans with someone and inevitably this is a sign to the universe that it should shit all over my happiness and put an immediate halt to it. This doesn't apply only to potential employment opportunities either it happens with guys all the time. I start dating someone and things start to progress, I get excited and happy and share what's going on with my sister or whomever and within a few days said guy will disappear without explanation and I'm left with inquiries of the status of my once budding relationship. It happens every time without fail. You'd think that by now I would just keep my mouth shut and just maybe something would work out in my favor, but apparently I haven't learned my lesson quite yet.

The Jinx factor goes along the same lines as the 'Date-me-in-order-to-find-who-you-really-want routine'. I cannot even count how many times I have dated a guy for a few months only to realize they don't want any sort of commitment, things fizzle out between us and then I get the lovely piece of mail 4-6 months later announcing their engagement to the girl they dated after me. Seriously?

I am so tired of life. I have lost all belief in human decency, family, loyalty, and love. I am so tired of trying to keep faith in things that just aren't there. Or maybe I'm just an insomniac and can't think clearly anymore. I've been trying to do productive things during the night when I should be sleeping instead of watching TV shows and movies. I've been knitting and coloring (really productive I know) and at 5AM this morning I decided to rearrange my bedroom. Here's some pictures of the final results. I think it's kinda cute and I like that I have some where to put on my make up now instead of sitting on the floor. :)

8 Mile - Final Battle

This video quality is sucky, but I could not love this more.

Love and Other Drugs

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

Operation: Oasis

I'm sure most of you know that my home/family situation has recently become far less than ideal. It's been rough. When your parents divorce it is hard no matter your age or where you may be in life. I guess I always thought my parents would go the distance, but through this I have come to realize that my mother and father are not invincible. They are simply people that make choices and mistakes and they have to do what they have to in order to hold on to happiness. They will always be Mom and Dad even if they aren't under the same roof or even in the same time zone. And at the end of the day I truly want each of them to be healthy, whole, happy individuals.

I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.

Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.

So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!

Closet Drama

So about a week after I moved home I'm was sleeping soundly (RARE occurrence) at 2AM and KABOOM! My closet pooped it's pants! There were so many clothes on the bar that it ripped the post out of the wall and all my clothes and the shelf came tumbling to the floor. Shit. I wasn't in too big of a hurry to fix the shelf and rehang everything because I pretty much just wear chill clothes lately. Anyway, two months goes by and all my shit is still on the floor. But my Dad and I finally fixed it last night. I hope it holds up because I really don't want to wash and rehang everything again. Isn't it so pretty and organized again!? It's almost calming. Yes, I'm a freak. Learn to like it.

Lazy Days of Summer

Tonka seems to be picking up on a few of Marley's habits. Marley is such a trooper. Tonka torments him ALL DAY LONG and Marley just ignores him. One day Tonk is going to get his ass kicked and I hope I'm there to see it because he totally deserves it. Ha ha! Tonka needs some tough love discipline.

Don't mind the winter boot we keep by the door to

keep it propped open for the dogs. Lol, yes, we are that lazy.

True that girl.

California Trip

I ran away from Utah for about two weeks and it was a very much needed trip. I rode Amtrak from Provo to Roseville and it was awesome. The train is huge! The seats are enormous and recline all the way back, it was nice and cool, quiet, and there are outlets to plug in all my shit. So I watched Sopranos for a few hours and then took two Ambien and slept really well and when I woke up I was there! AND I got to cross it off on my Things to Do Before I Die list - which is cool since I haven't been able to do that in a while.

So I went to Cali and stayed with my Mom. We laid by the pool and relaxed. She took me to a few cool stores and we went to the Galleria Mall for a few hours. I also got a tour of a local firehouse from my Mom's friend. It was really cool to see the ins and outs there. I had two dinners at my Grandparents and we figured out I haven't been there in 13 years. We went fishing/boating one morning and I made friends with this little duck. I fed him a few rolls and he'd just follow us around.

I also got to spend some time with Madi, Brady, and my nephew Kelvin. I loved seeing them! Kelvin has grown so much since I last saw him. He is just the sweetest little boy, I wanted to bring him home with me! Kelvin sat in my sleeping spot with me for like 3 hours one day, just hanging out watching United States of Tara. Seriously, he's the coolest kid EVER. I mean really, look at that face.

The last night I was there we went to the theater and saw Iron Man 2. I really liked it! Except I think something was wrong with their AC because I was melting in the theater. Ugh. After the show we went to eat at the Elephant Bar. It was pretty good, I've never been there and their menu is huge!

The train ride back was not as enjoyable as getting there. We were stopped outside of Elko, NV for almost 3 hours and that made me arrive into Provo almost 6 hours later than anticipated. It made for a very, very long ride. Luckily I had some shows (Sopranos, Grey's, Breaking Bad) and a good book to keep me occupied. I hope to make it back out to California soon. Maybe in the fall for my birthday! YAY!

Doo Bee Doo Bee Doooo

I haven't blogged in a while, sorry about that. Actually, I am not sorry, it's my blog, learn to like it. Let's see I moved home, Tonka and Marley are BFF's, I'm on vaca in Cali which is weird and good, I am from the desert and I don't do humidity well, I'd Van Gogh my ears if I could, and now I'm waiting for Tommy Gavin to come on and it's taking foreverrrr. Sorry I don't have anything more exciting to report.

Yard Sale

We're having a yard sale this Friday (25th) and Saturday (26th) from 7AM-1PM in Orem! I'm selling all the stuff I've used to furnish my apartment the last 5 years. I've got a couch, beds, papasan chair, tvs, toaster ovens, dinnerware, kitchen utensils, mixing bowls, clothes, rugs, books, decorative odds and ends! If you've seen anything in pictures I've posted on my blog over the last 3-ish years, chances are I'm selling it! So come buy it!

Text, call, email (link on right), FB message, me and I'll give you the address! Hope to see everyone Friday or Saturday!

Tonka & Marley Playing in the Backyard

I almost don't believe it myself, but they are having so much fun with each other! Makes me so happy to see them playing. There was a minor mishap last night. We aren't really sure what happened exactly, but they were playing in the living room upstairs, there was a big thud, and then Tonka came running down the stairs whimpering so I think that means Marley won. Ha ha, not that it was ever a competition though, he's got more than 60lbs on Tonka.

Alert the media!!! YAY!!!

Marley and Tonka are finally friends!! It only took about a week but now they are running around like they've always been BFF's!!! I took them in the backyard early this morning and threw some balls and toys and they had a blast! This makes me sooo happy. My only regret is that we didn't just make it work a year ago when I wanted to move home to put some money away. Oh well though.