19 December 2010

Thoughts

So I redesigned my blog, obviously. It was definitely time for an overhaul and I like the end result. It's been over a year since I've made any changes to it and I really like the new options Blogger has available.

I'm so ready for the holiday season to be over with. Seriously, I know that people around me just want to help, but they just don't understand how no Christmas is so much easier than attempting some broken resemblance of one. Call me Scrooge, but there are some things that a Christmas tree and lights just can't fix. Sorry to burst your little bubble but I just want January to get here as soon as possible.

I miss Madi, Brady, and Kelvin. I wish I could see them more often. Things don't seem so bad when I'm around Kelvin. And Madi makes me laugh like only my sisters can. They just understand things that no one else can.

I just caught up on all the new posts in my Google Reader and I've decided I can't read Nie Nie Dialogues anymore. I feel for her situation and I think it's remarkable the trials she has overcome but I can't handle seeing anymore naked pictures of her kids. I mean honestly, her one son is like 4 and is running around the house completely naked in angel wings? You can see his boy parts in one of the shots. Does anyone else find this seriously disturbing? And apparently he still takes baths in the kitchen sink. I don't have kids, but I think sink baths stop being appropriate when your kids start crawling.

I used to think that I'd never wish someone ill, but lately, I want to study voodoo just so I can curse a few people. I can't take much more of this "trial period" in my life. I just become more cynical and bitter with each passing day. Nothing seems to change despite the efforts I make. There's this saying 'What you do in life echoes in eternity'. Well, I sure as hell hope so. There are a few people I hope never out run the choices they've made.

I hate my hair. It's terribly ugly. It's like 3 different shades of blonde and it hasn't been cut in at least 8 months. I want to get it done so badly but there's always something that comes up with a higher priority. I avoid mirrors because I'm repulsed by what I see. My hair isn't blonde or maintained, I'm no longer tan, and my once cute curvy figure is nonexistent. I feel like I lose a little bit of myself with everything that is taken away; my family, my car, my movies, my independence. I know material things don't make a person, but it's still a part of who I thought I was. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm living, but I don't remember the last time I felt alive.

4 comments:

JPark4947 said...

Meagen,

I am sorry you are having so many trials right now!! I wish there was something I could do to help you out...I totally understand the whole Christmas tree and lights thing not making things better!! You are in my thoughts and prayers often, not sure I have any more pull with the big guy upstairs than the next guy, but it does not hurt to know that you have someone on your side...I am reading this fabulous book called "change your thinking, change your life" by brian tracy. I highly recommend it...it has really made a difference in my daily existence...give it a try, it cannot hurt!! I think you can get it at the library!!! I hope things get better. You have way to much to offer this world to feel this bad!! I am thankful that I have you in my life and hope that you are at least a little bit comforted, and not creeped out, that someone is on your side!!! Love ya girl....

Kristina said...

we should drink together sometime. it will at least help for a little bit....

morgan - sunni said...

i hate christmas! i am so with you on that one. also nie nie has gotten pretty unbearable to read. i now just skim right over her posts unless i see something worth reading. don't read her sisters c janes... she is super annoying!!

i feel ya on missing siblings. 2 of my sisters are in san fran and my brother is in oregon. its just sadie and i in utah now. it's weird.

so as you know i work at a salon, i am sure we can arrange something to get your hair did! i love the girls we have there they are amazing!!

i would love to see you but completely understand that lack of interest in going out. can't tell you things will look up for you because really i have no idea. but i can tell you i sure do love you and think of the fun times we had as some of my most favorite times in my life.

ps... thanks for posting! i like knowing that you are still here. love you megs!!

jayni & ben said...

Meagen. this makes me sad. i don't like hearing that you are sad. makes me sad. i think about you a lot. I talked to Jody from Aflac and she asked about you. I told her i hadn't talked to you in a while :( Made me so sad to say cause we use to be so close. i miss you girl. When you are ready can we please go to lunch or can i at least come by and say hi. i want to see you and Tonks. and I would love T. Ray to come see him too. I don't want him being afraid of dogs.

love you!!

Jayni

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