12 October 2009

Worthless

I'm still here laying in my bed at 12:30PM with plans to put in the 1st disc of the 2nd season of Deadwood. Those are my plans for the entire day. I suppose at some point I'll get up and shower. But probably only if someone makes plans with me for tonight. Otherwise, I'll just lay here in my black sleeper thing all day. Because I don't have a job anymore, I don't have any children to take care of (thank God), and I don't have any money to go do something like shopping or buy a chai tea (which I am really craving right now if someone in the blogosphere could oblige that would be uh-mazing.) Maybe I'll go to a movie on my own. I've never done that before and I've always wanted to. Is Julie and Julia still in theaters? I need to go watch something happy and uplifting.

I am filled with anger, resentment and terrible thoughts towards a lot of the people in my life, or that were in my life. A lot. And I hate it. I hate the way I feel because I'm not this kind of person. I've never been one to carry grudges or wish ill things upon people even when they have wronged me. But I am afraid the last month I've become exactly that. I was discussing this with My Mom (who is the most optimistic upbeat person I know) and she told me that it's okay for me to feel like this and only I will know when I'll be finished and ready to just let it all go. It was good advice, and I know what she was saying, I'm just afraid I'll always feel this way. I'll never let it go. And no one wants to be around someone like this. No one wants to be with bitter Betty. I guess it's a good thing I bought Tonka, he doesn't know any different as long as I take him on walks and give him treats he still loves me.

Blah. I hate the feeling I have right now of no responsibilities. Actually, I have a lot of responsibilities, just no means to fulfill them. And not for lack of trying either. I've completed the process for filing for unemployment. It was very interesting being on the other side of the process, and I am grateful I have my multi-functioning printer for all of the forms and scanning and what not that needs to be done. I feel some relief knowing what is what with unemployment now. I was uneasy before because I wasn't sure of how much I would qualify for or if that it would be enough to cover bills, how the exact filing process works, ect. But now I know it all and I'm only waiting for my approval. Which could take up to 3 weeks - right about the time when rent is due. If my unemployment is approved I think I can make it work, if not, I'm fucked and I'll move home with my parents, which is another mess in itself. If I wouldn't have (drained my savings) and moved into my new apartment in May I would have been fine financially. I would have just taken the remainder of the year off, lived off my savings, and started something new in January. Shoulda-woulda-coulda I guess though.

The Utah Department of Workforce Services site sure seems like they know what they are doing though and the process while long, was put together very well and easy for me to understand. I search for jobs on it as well as Monster, Dice, HotJobs, Career Builder, Craigslist, newspaper, etc multiple times a day. I've sent out a crazy amount of resumes and cover letters, I've made phone calls, tried to network, etc. But I haven't received a single solitary call/email back. I think it's due to my $41K/year salary requirement to stay afloat. I can assure my future employer I am worth every single penny, regardless of what my past one thought.

I have been thinking of starting my own business offering administrative services on retainer. There is a huge need for admins in every single office, but the pay is low and a lot of times the need is not consistent. So I want companies to have the option of using them on an as needed basis. So anyway, maybe I'll start putting my thoughts on paper around it and see what I come up with. I'd like to run what I come up with by a few business owners and get their thoughts...anyone out there own a business with potential admin needs and be willing to participate? Or know of anyone that wouldn't mind me taking up 45 min of their time to discuss logistics? More thoughts are brewing just typing that out. Ha ha! Suddenly I don't feel so worthless! I think Deadwood may have to wait until this evening...

Maybe I'll go shower now.

5 comments:

LaCimOuRiTsEn said...

Don't look for a job everyday. It will depress you. Do every other day. The Utah Workforce website is great, you'll learn the in's and out's. And don't stress, you will be approved!

John Pender said...

There you go! Start thinking like an entrepreneur. It seems you found a need; now go fulfill it! You know, you can freelance and do all your work on a contract basis. Be your own temp agency.

Andrea said...

I am looking for an experienced Office Manager: This position will directly manage 4 people and support an office of 30. a BA in accounting is preferred, and any experience in the Financial Services is a plus. Position to start in the next two weeks.... Interested parties please send me an email: james.welsh@nmfn.com The position is in Provo, Utah pay will vary depending on experience. Call me:801-225-8000.

I think he's flexible on the education preferences. Regardless, it's worth a shot. He's on my Facebook and I went to school with him. Haven't chatted with him recently, but I'm sure he would remember me, if you want to use me as a reference. He was my 4th grade dance partner. ;)

Meagen said...

Andrea,

Thank you so much for the job lead. I've sent him my cover letter, resume, and references. I'll let you know if I hear back!

Also, I'll keep my eyes and ears open for you as well. I've been seriously considering starting up my own business providing admin services on retainer, if things come together would it be something you'd be interested in being involved in? I don't necessarily have the educational background, but I know the needs and ins/outs of what companies need as far as administrative work. It's still in the very very beginning stages...as in all the ideas are still in my head.. but..

If you're not interested that's totally fine, just thought I'd ask.

Meagen

Andrea said...

I would love to work something out with you if that is what you end up doing. You have the experience, and I have the education. It's the perfect resume.

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