I am filled with anger, resentment and terrible thoughts towards a lot of the people in my life, or that were in my life. A lot. And I hate it. I hate the way I feel because I'm not this kind of person. I've never been one to carry grudges or wish ill things upon people even when they have wronged me. But I am afraid the last month I've become exactly that. I was discussing this with My Mom (who is the most optimistic upbeat person I know) and she told me that it's okay for me to feel like this and only I will know when I'll be finished and ready to just let it all go. It was good advice, and I know what she was saying, I'm just afraid I'll always feel this way. I'll never let it go. And no one wants to be around someone like this. No one wants to be with bitter Betty. I guess it's a good thing I bought Tonka, he doesn't know any different as long as I take him on walks and give him treats he still loves me.
Blah. I hate the feeling I have right now of no responsibilities. Actually, I have a lot of responsibilities, just no means to fulfill them. And not for lack of trying either. I've completed the process for filing for unemployment. It was very interesting being on the other side of the process, and I am grateful I have my multi-functioning printer for all of the forms and scanning and what not that needs to be done. I feel some relief knowing what is what with unemployment now. I was uneasy before because I wasn't sure of how much I would qualify for or if that it would be enough to cover bills, how the exact filing process works, ect. But now I know it all and I'm only waiting for my approval. Which could take up to 3 weeks - right about the time when rent is due. If my unemployment is approved I think I can make it work, if not, I'm fucked and I'll move home with my parents, which is another mess in itself. If I wouldn't have (drained my savings) and moved into my new apartment in May I would have been fine financially. I would have just taken the remainder of the year off, lived off my savings, and started something new in January. Shoulda-woulda-coulda I guess though.
The Utah Department of Workforce Services site sure seems like they know what they are doing though and the process while long, was put together very well and easy for me to understand. I search for jobs on it as well as Monster, Dice, HotJobs, Career Builder, Craigslist, newspaper, etc multiple times a day. I've sent out a crazy amount of resumes and cover letters, I've made phone calls, tried to network, etc. But I haven't received a single solitary call/email back. I think it's due to my $41K/year salary requirement to stay afloat. I can assure my future employer I am worth every single penny, regardless of what my past one thought.
I have been thinking of starting my own business offering administrative services on retainer. There is a huge need for admins in every single office, but the pay is low and a lot of times the need is not consistent. So I want companies to have the option of using them on an as needed basis. So anyway, maybe I'll start putting my thoughts on paper around it and see what I come up with. I'd like to run what I come up with by a few business owners and get their thoughts...anyone out there own a business with potential admin needs and be willing to participate? Or know of anyone that wouldn't mind me taking up 45 min of their time to discuss logistics? More thoughts are brewing just typing that out. Ha ha! Suddenly I don't feel so worthless! I think Deadwood may have to wait until this evening...
Maybe I'll go shower now.