Depressed

I hesitate to even post this it's that far in the dark place, but wait! I almost forgot! I post anything I want now! So here goes. I'm diving into a deeply depressed state. I'm soo lonely. I don't have any friends, none. I don't have a job. I have watched all the movies and TV shows I care to watch. I've done every single jigsaw puzzle I own. You can only look at job sites soo much before you go crazy realizing that you make more money being a drain on society drawing unemployment, if that ever gets approved.

If my unemployment is not approved soon I'll end up having to move back home with my parents. Which, I love you Mom & Dad, but I REALLY do not want to do this. I just don't. I've been on my own for five years. I don't want to go back to having people to answer to and rules to follow and crap. Not to mention that I'll probably have to end up selling Tonka, because Marley (parent's dog) is a mean dog and was never trained and doesn't get along with other animals. And that will kill me. I'm crying typing that out, because the thought of selling my dog, someone else taking care of my little Tonka, KILLS me.

I have one friend, who I am sure is about ready to call it quits being my friend because all I do is text him all day long, because I am so fucking bored. I wake up at noon everyday, because I have nothing else to do. I don't get dressed in normal clothes, because I have been on steroids since the beginning of summer and have gained over 30lbs. Nothing fits. My entire body aches all of the time. But I can't stop taking the medication because it's the only thing that keeps the room from spinning and me passing out. Maybe I'll try to work out tomorrow, make an effort to do so even if for only a few minutes. I've got to do something, because I am disgusted with myself when I look in the mirror.

Every night I pour a drink, fill the tub, and read a book for a while. Reading is productive I suppose. I bought two books today, The Story of Edgar Sawtelle and Loose Girl. I started Loose Girl tonight, a trashy book by most local standards, but I really don't care. It's been entertainment for me for the last 2 hours or so. Maybe I'll stay up all night and finish it. Finish Eat, Pray, Love tomorrow and then start Edgar the next day. I'll never finish Breaking Dawn, I just can't. I've tried like 3 times and the book is just awful. So I took it off my night stand and replaced it with the two I bought tonight.

Seriously. I need something good to happen. For once. Anything good. I need a call back, an interview. An actual date- not just 'hanging out Utah crap' - although that is a HUGE stretch because who wants to date the unemployed depressed girl? I just need SOMETHING. Anything to brighten my day. I am enjoying the rain right now. I wish it would rain really hard for a few more days. I like it. See I'm not all doom and gloom. Ha. Whatever.