My life has taken a change of course. Or maybe now it just has a course (even as short and day to to day as it may feel right now) if that makes sense? Before I just did whatever I wanted and was okay with that. Maybe I shouldn't have been, or actually it was the greatest time of my life?! While everyone around me was getting married and having babies (and I often envied each of you) I lived on my own baby! I wasn't tied down, I could do whatever and whomever I pleased at any time. And dammit it was fun! I did/done/am doing something that few women in my area (good old LDS land) actually do because they immediately get hitched after high school. And I'm proud of it. I did and am doing a damn fine job. I have absolutely no regrets in the last five years of my life. I made my own choices and have taught myself to be self-sufficient and be my own person. I may have had doubts (a lot) at times along the way, but who doesn't? Shesh, go me go. Anyway, back to my purpose of this post...
With the loss of my job I have been forced to clean out each and every aspect of my life. All my closets. Everything hit at once. I was forced to go through all of my bills and figure how I am going to make it through jobless for a bit. Not counting my car I have less than $3K debt. Which in the big picture is nothing.
I have been given the opportunity to finally have time to figure out my health - the issue with my ear and passing out on a regular basis. I can get to the bottom of my knee, shoulder (think this is solved already though) and lower back pain instead of just masking it with pain pills on a daily basis. I am hoping to resolve my sleeping problems, but while I'm not sure these are solvable, I'm optimistic about it. All of this stress has brought on an extreme amount of anxiety, which I went and got help with (instead of just trying to ignore it and convince myself that it's no different than what anyone else is experiencing). While the anti-anxiety medication is a short term fix, it has helped tremendously. Hopefully, there will be a time soon when I am not taking 8 different medications on a daily basis and I can just be healthy.
A few days after losing my job and my awesome 25th birthday (sensing my sarcasm?) I got a few lovely (more sarcasm) emails with questions and accusations regarding a passed relationship. While it was awful, I dealt with it (INSANELY maturely, if I do say so myself) and I was able to close that chapter of my life once and for all. I should have done what I did a year ago. I know none of what I just said makes sense to anyone, because I kept the entire situation to myself (and I still intend to - so don't even ask me about it - it's done and done) but it was time I dealt with it so I can move on for real this time. Thank God.
Along with the cleaning out of my closets (literally - I cleaned my actual closets and found lots of things to sell! Buy them all here!) I've been forced to update all the little things in my life for example - my email address. I've had that "tanyabunsoff" since high school. Good grief, it was a joke, and I can't put that as my contact for a resume! Ha ha! So I updated all of that. My resume, email, calendars, and I updated my Google Reader last night. It took me forever but damn it's nice. Everything is listed by the person's name, and I got rid of all the people that have gone "private" and I can't see their feeds, I deleted blogs of people that haven't posted in forever. It was uh-mazing. I want to screenshot it and post it, it's that good. Kidding. Sort of. So along with updating those things I went through the "Posting" tab on my own blog. I had a lot of drafts that I started and never posted. Some I wished I had, others it's good I didn't. So I cleaned those up, but there were a few that I wanted to put out there for the sake of recording how I was feeling at one point. I hope anyone that is still reading this gets a laugh or two out of them, if not that's fine I did it for me! One of them is from last night (which I'll post at the end).
Things That Must Go Text Message Edition - drafted 07/14/09 @ 4:04PM
-When people don't send the obligatory "thank you" "okay" texts. This totally bugs. I want each and every one of my texts to be acknowledged!
-Grammar. I don't mind missing the apostrophes or comma's. But I can't stand the "U" or "cause" or "2". Seriously type everything out.
-Boys who text me from a different phone hoping I will write back because I didn't respond to the texts from their phone number they originally gave me. This will NOT help your case for wanting me to respond. Seriously.
The Invisible Asshole - drafted 10/03/09 @ 9:32AM
I slept like poo. Maybe it was the Xanax. Or the Ambien. Or the Alcohol. LOL. Falling asleep wasn't a problem, obviously. It was my dreams or something that I don't even know the name of since it happened when I was awake, it couldn't have been a dream. So I wake up, and I feel like someone is holding me. Down. HOLDING ME DOWN. I couldn't move. I think I tried to yell for help, I think, but I don't remember. I'll ask Holli when she wakes up. But she wouldn't have heard me since she sleeps like a rock under another pile of rocks. I do remember it feeling awful though. I just wanted to get up and get a drink I was soo thirsty! But some invisible asshole was holding me down!
Untitled - drafted 10/04/09 @ 4:00AM
Wow. It's after 4AM and I'm not sleeping because 1: I didn't take my sleeping pill 2: I have nothing to be awake for at a decent hour tomorrow and 3: I'm cleaning out my life. Seriously. Each and every aspect of it. And let me just say, right now, in this very moment, I feel fanfuckingtastic! I'm high but I'm grounded. I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed. I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby. I'm terrified, but in control. I'm able to take on all of the trials that are currently laying in the road ahead of me. Watch out world, because seriously there is a new me on the horizon and she's going to be a bitch on wheels.
Let me explain. In the last 3 weeks in particular I have been dealt one life changing disaster after another. I lost my job (on my fucking birthday!), was diagnosed with 2 different types of diseases (Meniere's and a Thyroid condition), came into contact with a long time friend that was at one point in time very close to my heart, have severed ties with someone that should have happened long ago, and determined that they are non-repairable. And this is just the last three weeks, friends! This doesn't even include the previous 10 months of this year. Let's not forget the 8 months of chronic migraines, the 6 root canals, the dislocated shoulder, the passing out, fluid in the ears, 4 (oh wait make that 5 now) rounds of steroids, 30 additional lbs due to the prednisone and thyroid issue, and my chronic insomnia. Oh and that's just me. Don't forget about my family's trials. Tough stuff girls and boys. And I feel for those going through similar or worse trials in their own lives.
Life is so damn hard. But I've decided to take it on with a new perspective. Honesty and courage. Not that I have been dishonest in the past, I've just been reserved. I was reserved with my feelings towards my relationships with guys, co-workers, family, etc. I would do blog posts with half truths, tell the situation, but not how I REALLY felt. I would put on the face that everything is fine, and I was dealing, but inside I was going crazy with extreme trials of anxiety, confusion, heartache and pain. Not anymore. I'm finished holding in these things for the sake of others. My sanity is immediately taking a leap into first place on my list of priorities. For the first time in my life, I am going to worry only about me and what I want. Too many times I have put myself out there to be supportive and the backbone for others only to be shit all over and heartbroken. In the words of Linkin Park, "Today this ends". So, that having been said, I'm going to start with more honesty on MY blog. No more holding back on things I'm feeling for the sake of those reading it. I may loose a few readers because of it, and I'm okay with that. My blog is an incredible outlet, and I am going to take full advantage.
Before I was reserved because I knew over 50% of my old co-workers (including my former boss) read it. My reservations are no more. If you get offended by what I am feeling or the words I use to describe it, stop reading. I don't care. My blog is for my own sanity and I'll say what I want.
I want to surround myself with good people. Good people by my standards, not those that are set by the society and community I live in.
That was as far as I got in that final post, but I still feel the same way today. I'm going to be the same me, just with less reservations-they only held me down inside. All my closets are sparkly clean and I'm ready for whatever lies ahead. Hello world.