Hell Yeah!

My hips hurt

Actually, hurt is an understatement. It's almost unbearable. I don't know the exact number, but I know for certain I have had more than 25 injections of Phenergan/Promethezine in my hips over the last 4 weeks. As a result, I am not nauseous, but I absolutely can not touch my hips or lay on either side. My hips are red, bruised, and extremely swollen. They hurt so badly I am wondering if there is infection or something? I don't know. My Dad administered most of them and he's been giving injections to my Mom for over 10 years, so I know we did them all correctly. We followed all the precautionary steps, everything was always sterile and clean, but there is risk of infection with any injection you get. I'm going to be brave and post these pictures of them. Anyway, I'll probably end up at the doctor again tomorrow if they still hurt this badly. Boo.

Comfort and Loneliness

Author's note: I know this post is a little 'after school special' and epically long but deal with it. :)

Have you ever craved to be touched by another person? Not like you're hungry for some sweet lovin and need to get laid (although that'd be nice too he he). I mean you just want to be touched or held or just be close enough to a man (or woman) that you can hear their heart beat. I do a lot lately. And I just got this incredible wave of loneliness come over me. It's a terrible feeling. I just feel so empty. And while I'm really happy and content like I mentioned in this post, I'm really craving to be cuddled up on the couch and to have someone else's hand in mine. Is it possible to be happy and content but lonely at the same time? Does one cross out the other? The last time I cuddled with someone it didn't mean anything to him; nor did it mean anything to me with the guy before that or the guy before that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cuddled with a guy and it was mutually meaningful. That is so terribly sad.

Sometimes I wish intimacy was the way it was in high school. Cuddling with someone was a big deal, it was always so sweet and exciting. I could feel the guy's heart beating when I'd lay my hand or my head on his chest. Cuddling now just doesn't mean what it did then. Kisses have similarly lost their eminence. 'So did you guys kiss?' was always the first question asked by girlfriends after arriving home from a date and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I feel like as you get older the little pieces of dating lose some of their za za zoom. Or maybe it's a choice? Can you chose to allow yourself to get the dating butterflies and the blushing cheeks after you've been in the dating game for 10+ years? Or do you think that the failures of previous relationships cause you to build walls and not allow for the za za zoom-iness to take over?

It's interesting to me how comforting a simple touch can be. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time. It was around this time that I found out about the abnormal cells in the mole I had removed. I was terrified. I had convinced myself I had skin cancer and with the location of the mole I was sure it had spread to all my important baby making parts and I wouldn't be able to have children. My mind was on repeat of the worst possible scenario. I was really freaking out about the entire thing. Obviously, I know I was blowing everything way out of proportion, but those were just the thoughts running through my head for days and days. My Mom ended up staying with me at my place for a few nights just so I wouldn't be alone. Having her there was such a blessing. She was my sounding board to all of the awful thoughts running the mind marathon of 2010 in my brain. She was so comforting. It's a Mom thing I think. I just felt better knowing she was right there with me. When I lost my job at SOS last week I immediately called my Mom and she was at my apartment within just a few minutes. When she got there she gave me a great big hug, we sat down and I laid my head on her leg and just cried. She didn't have to say anything. Just having her hand on my shoulder while I cried in her lap curbed the pain, loneliness, and frustration I was experiencing at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I've felt a lot of loneliness over the last year I have always been surrounded by a wonderful system of support, comfort, and love from both family and friends. I need to do better job of remembering they are there for me and utilizing them instead of burying all my frustrations inside myself. Moving forward I hope that I can be part of the support system for others.

Potato Salad and Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

I've been living at my parents house for the last week doing the Home Health Care IV treatments. I am really starting to feel better. It's amazing how crappy you can feel when you get dehydrated. Anyway, I am getting really bored here. I have been in bed for going on 5 weeks now. I have watched all the TV and movies I care to. I have caught up on all my regular TV shows (Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and Saving Grace). And I found a couple new ones along the way (Nurse Jackie, Bones, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Intervention, Inked, and LA Ink). But now I am just bored. So I decided to make Potato Salad, twice. For my fabulous Potato Salad recipe visit my food blog here.

Finished!

I typed the potato salad portion of this post two nights ago and never got around to publishing it. So tonight I was bored again and make Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk cookies. They are delish!

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

1/2 c sugar

1/2 c packed brown sugar

1/2 c butter, room temperature

1/2 c peanut butter

1 egg

1 1/4 c flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

4 oz sweet chocolate, chunked

Directions: Cream the butter for 2 minutes. Add the sugars, cream for 2 more minutes. Mix in the peanut butter and egg. Mix together the dry ingredients - flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Stir into the butter mixture. Add chocolate chunks.

Preheat oven to 375ºF. Shape dough into 1 1/4 inch balls. Place about 3 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten in crisscross pattern with a fork. Bake until light brown, 9 to 10 minutes. Cool on baking sheets for a minute; transfer to rack to cool completely. Makes about 2 dozen cookies. For chewier cookies, bake at 300º for 15 minutes.

Downer Debbie: AKA Me

The last two years of life have been rough for me. I know it and you know it, because I've blogged about it almost every step of the way. There were many contributing factors to my negative outlook: my health deteriorated, once I got something fixed and feeling better something else would start to bother me. I put a lot of effort into relationships that ultimately fell apart. I lost a job of 4 years on my 25th birthday. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. My finances went from being on track to complete and utter chaos. I spent 4 months unemployed and found another job only to lose it 3 months later. Throughout this time I knew that I was becoming more withdrawn. I started to avoid everyday things like checking my voicemail or the mail box, because I knew it was only bills or collectors seeking payment that I couldn't give. I began losing interest in things I once enjoyed and more often than not I saw the negative aspect in everything. I had lost all of the joy in my life. I knew I was in an unhappy place, but I never really considered myself depressed.

Clinical depression is defined as: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

I started experiencing panic/anxiety attacks towards the end of January when I started my new job. Most times they would happen when I was in the car. I commuted 40 miles to and from the office and I tend to get my best thinking done in the car. So I would drive and think about all of the problems on my plate and I would just get so overwhelmed. My heart rate would increase, I would start to sweat, it became difficult to breathe, tears would run down my cheeks, and I'd end up pulling the car over until I could gain control. I went to the doctor and he suggested I talk with the psychiatrist on their staff to help me gain some perspective on my situation and to learn some coping techniques. I reluctantly agreed and made an appointment.

To be honest I thought it was a waste of time. I have always been a "solve your own problems" kind of girl. I'm a reserved person so the idea of paying someone to discussing my inner most thoughts with me just seems so vain. But I went and we discussed the things I am struggling with in life and how to cope with them. I left the appointment feeling like the doctor just confirmed everything I already knew about myself, which wasn't all that helpful really. But I decided that if I didn't want to continuing feeling so down and confused I should try to follow through with the treatment. The soonest I could start on a regular weekly appointment was 3 weeks out. The therapist suggested I start on an anti-depressant. So I went to my primary care doctor a few days later and he wrote me a prescription for Lexapro. I ended up having a reaction to that and so I couldn't take it anymore. You can read about that experience here. We changed the Lexapro to Prozac and I didn't have any reactions to it.

Prozac takes approximately 5 weeks to absorb in your system to fully take effect. Well it has definitely kicked in and I am so pleased with the way I am feeling. It is incredible to wake up in the morning and not feel like "ughhh ANOTHER day". I'm content again and looking forward to the future. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel like it's easier to express myself.

My question is, if this new found happiness is based on a medication, is it real? How does everyone feel about anti-depressant medications? For me, I think the medication has been a blessing. Being depressed can be debilitating. There were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Literally. Everything is exhausting and you have absolutely no joy. But now I wake up excited for the day and I feel like I can handle the problems in front of me, instead of avoiding them. I am excited to move and I am excited for the job search ahead of me. I want to get back into a healthy routine. I am happy to have the weight of depression off my shoulders so I can get back into a more normal cycle.

Home Health IV Program

So I haven't been able to keep food in me for over a month now. I either throw it up or it goes the other way about 15 minutes after I eat. My stomach cramps up and I am really nauseous and I am very dehydrated. So my doctor put me on the Home Health IV Program. Basically, I am on fluids and IV medications at home to keep me from dehydrating. Nurses come out and check my vitals and change the IVs when needed and draw blood. They will also administer the Phenergan shots in my hips so my Dad doesn't have to. So I have an IV in and I have just been crashing at my parents house this last week. I'm staying at my parents because we are thinking it could be something in my apartment making me sick. Sounds crazy, but we are having it tested for everything: mold, bugs, meth, drugs, etc...

Anyway, the anti-nausea medicine has to be administered in my hips. I am getting them every 6 hours. Needless to say, my hips are just knots. They are so tender, I can't really lay on my sides. But this being my 2nd round of treatment on the Home Health IVs I've figured out a few things.

This is my IV Pole - I call him Pete

Pete takes up a lot of space so sometimes I don't want to have to drag him everywhere I go around the house, especially in the bathroom, so I just hang the bag on the shower curtain loopy holder

This time around I have had to have a new IV put in 4 different times. They just get bumped and tugged on and then they won't drip properly, so we tape it down best we can like this:

And then I cut the top off a tube sock and make a little sleeve with a slit for my thumb. It's a pretty good system.

I was supposed to be on the IVs for 5 days, which means they should come out tomorrow night. I am feeling a lot better. I haven't thrown up and food is staying in me a lot longer. Hopefully I can be discharged tomorrow or Tuesday. I've got lots of packing and organizing to do for Operation: New Home! Have a great week everyone!

Operation: New Home

I've been doing a little online window shopping for things I want/need for my new place. Most are from Ikea, a few from Pottery Barn. I'm sure I'll wander through Target and find some cool stuff too. I may even go yard-selling with my Mom next weekend! YAY! I know you are super stoked Momdawg! I want to run to DI and see if I can find any little tables or shelves that I could refinish. I'm not working right now so I have time to do some projects.

Anywhere, here's a few things that I think would go beautifully in my new place!

I'm so zen right now

I woke up this morning with an odd sense of content; I'm not really sure how to explain it. I just had this feeling that things are in the correct place. Like I am where I'm supposed to be and my short term future plans are exactly what I should be doing. I've been on a path filled with negativity and "dooms day" feelings for months. MONTHS. But today, I woke up and things weren't so bad. I started taking an anti-depressant about 5 weeks ago and I'm thinking it's starting to take effect. And if the meds are what have given me this sense of peace then I'm very pleased.

I'm trying to see the big picture and I am noticing the blessings in my life again. First and foremost I am so very grateful for my family. They are my rock, my best friends, I can talk to my Dad, my Mom, Holli, and Madi about anything. I love each of them so very much.

I am so grateful for my Mom. I have been pretty ill for the last month and she has taken such good care of me - driving me to doctors appointments, staying at my place so I'm not alone and sick, 6 hour ER visits, picking up prescriptions, DEEP cleaning my apartment and taking care of Tonka while I'm on the IV therapy program at home-home. Thanks Mom.

My Dad has been wonderful at checking to see if I need anything, he's brought me meals, and giving me my shots of phenergan medicine every 6 hours. And he took me to the ER for another 4 hour visit. Thanks Dad.

Holli is my BFF! I can tell her anything. I am grateful for her comfort and that she has experienced the IV Home Health programs so whenever I have questions she usually knows the answers. And she brings me Sprites and the 2nd season of Bones. And she's just my bestie! Thanks Hoe.

Even though Madi is miles away she has IM'd me numerous times just to talk and that helps. I can talk to her about some of the thoughts and feelings associated with depression because she experienced it early on in her life. Thanks Moe.

And I can't forget Tonka. I know he is only a dog, but he is seriously my best little buddy. Even though he is only roughly 20lbs I feel safe with him. He protects me. He is really starting to follow commands, he knows when the doors aren't locked and will lay by my side all day if I am not feeling well. Tonka just knows things and he's turned into a really great dog and companion. I can't imagine life without him and I love him so much!

I'm very grateful for my friends as well. Even though I don't actually see most of them in person much anymore (and some I've never even met in person all) I really appreciate all of the Facebook messages, posts, emails and text messages of encouragement and love. Thank you Mark, Sunni, and Mike - Each of you hold a special place in my heart. And thank you Laci, Adam, and John for the wonderful comments on my blog posts. I always feel special when someone takes the time to not only read my blog post, but then takes the extra step to comment. I need to make more of an effort to comment on others blogs.

I'm not sure how to put this in words, especially with all of the "God hates me" type feelings and thoughts I've expressed over the last 9ish months, but I am learning to be grateful for my trials. They are hard and often times I feel like I am walking through life blindfolded but I am learning again that everything happens for a reason and if I change my attitude I will see what I need to do to move forward in the right direction. For example, when I read Ari's blog post about the available apartment she and her husband have to rent I got this warm feeling and I just knew it was something I needed to look into. I did, fell in love with the space, and I'm moving in June 1st. I am SO excited to move. I feel like there is such a happy spirit in their home and my new place in their basement. I am very grateful for this new opportunity. I have had so many rough times in my current apartment that I think it will be good for me to start in a new place and do my best to make happier memories.

I am making an effort to sort out what I think and feel about the church. I haven't been active in many years, but I know that I need to ask questions about the things that I don't understand in order to make an informed decision about it. I always felt like it was all or nothing with the church, but that train of thought is just too overwhelming for me. So what I am doing right now is reading one chapter of the Doctrine & Covenants each day and saying my prayers every morning and every night. That is what I can do right now. If I choose to continue on this path I'll know what my next steps will be. I think part of this content feeling is because I have opened the lines of communication with the Lord again.

I am in the market for a job again. But it's different this time around. I have a better attitude and I am excited to find my next opportunity. Also there isn't as much pressure to make X amount of money because my living expenses will decrease immensely with my moving and not driving to SLC each day. I would prefer to work in Utah County, but if I find the right company I'd be willing to commute north again. If anyone has leads on an assistant or receptionist type position please email me (link on the right) or give me a call.

I am seeing the big picture again and while it can be overwhelming I am learning that I don't need to fix all of my faults and short comings at once. I don't have to live my life with an all or nothing attitude about everything. It's okay to take baby steps and that is what I am doing.

Update

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've had a few ideas for some interesting topics, but each time I start putting something together I lose interest. So I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay focused on this one.

I've been sick for going on 4 weeks now. I can't keep food in me at all. I've eaten 3 full meals (taco, sloppy joes, chicken and potatoes) in the last 4 weeks and I've thrown up each and everyone of them. Aside from those I munch on handfuls of crackers, cereal, and mashed potatoes, Sprite or Gatorade. I want a Cafe Rio burrito so badly right now, but I know it would kill me if I ate that! I just started another round of IV's and shots while staying at my parents. I'm getting Phenergan shots in my hips every 4-6 hours. My hips are SO sore and bruised. Each time I roll over it feels like an Indian Rug burn. Don't really know what is causing all these problems, but we think it might be something in my apartment. We're calling the city tomorrow to come out and test it for Meth. Sounds far fetched, but we've researched it and all my symptoms (and Holli's while she lived there for that matter) go hand in hand with long term Meth exposure. If it turns out to be that will be crazy!

Luckily for me, I've found a new place and I am really excited to move! I'll be moving to North Orem at the end of the month to the basement of one of my girl friend's from high school. The apartment is really cute and my living expenses will go down considerably too. I'll post some pictures once I get settled in.

Unfortunately, I lost my job with SOS this week. I was sad to see the opportunity go, but I understand. At least this time around there was not much of an emotional attachment since I wasn't there long. I am surprisingly optimistic about my next venture, whatever it may be. Strange, that must be the Prozac starting to work. So that's pretty much what I've got going on. I just need to get well so I can pack and move in like 15 days. If anyone would like to help me move it would be greatly appreciated!! :) Call me, text me, Facebook me, or leave me a comment and I'll be in touch. Peace.