Icecube Boner

I don't know how this happened, but it made me laugh, hard. Ha!

Toybox

At least once a night you'll hear a little scratching noise coming from the end of the hall. It usually signifies that Tonka wants his toy box opened and he's ready to play fetch. I just love him. A few nights ago I got ready for bed, turned off all the lights, checked the front door, and was ready to turn in, but Tonk just wouldn't come to my room. Blah blah blah, I went to bed and left him to do his thing. Then he just started barking. So I go to the living room and he was barking at the door to the balcony, sure enough it was unlocked. I locked it up and he followed me to bed jumped in and went to sleep. He just knows things...

Failure

Lately I've been having these episodes, usually while driving. I am fine and then all of a sudden I feel like the world is falling apart. I burst into tears, its difficult to breathe, I usually get a big headache. I'm frozen with tears streaming down my face thinking of all the ways I suck at life, everything I need to do, bills I have no idea how to pay, how I am no where near who I thought I wanted to be at this stage in life, how lonely I am, how angry I get over stupid things. I feel like a complete failure.

I've been slowing moving down this path of darkness for a long time, losing my job was like a big kick in the back that just sent me rolling. I thought that what I needed was to get back to work. (Which on a side note, I am very grateful for being employed again and I am really loving my new job. I'm amazed at how much I feel like I've learned in just the two short months I've been there.) But, I thought that working would solve everything. It would solve my boredom and my financial state, it would help me meet new people. I thought it would stop these thoughts and feelings. I thought it would renew my hope in life. Some days I feel like I'm moving forward, but most of the time - like 95% of the time - I feel like I am standing still in this pit of darkness.

I think I've lost hope in life in general. My ears will always be full of fluid making me lightheaded. My back still hurts every single day. I still can't fall asleep on my own. And it's not just the health aspect of my life that gets me down. I have no hope that life will get any better than this, and I don't know how to change that perception on my own. I feel like I don't have anyone to talk to. My one sister has a swarm of her own health problems that no one at 23 should have to deal with. They consume her life. My other sister lives in another state with a special needs baby and a fiance that is unemployed on a regular basis because he works in a field that pays really well, but work is far from consistent. My Dad is consumed with his own health problems, severe chronic back pain, and a recent hip replacement, with another on the books sometime in the next 9 months. And my Mother is so busy taking care of everyone else and putting out all of the fires that arise on a daily basis, not to mention working a full-time job I feel like at the end of the day, my being down in the dumps is really not that high on anyone's list of priorities. And it shouldn't be. I feel like I've really reached a breaking point, and I don't know what to do. I know my family is here for me and will support me and I don't want any of them that read this to be offended or upset with me. I love them unconditionally and I know they love me, but sometimes I just feel like everyone is so consumed with our their own problems I am left to push everything aside. I don't have friends, I have a dog. That's it.

Let me be clear that I am grateful for everyone that reads my blog and I love when people take time out of their day to read and even comment on things I ramble on about, but I don't want a bunch of "you can talk to me comments". While I appreciate the support, I really think this is beyond just needing someone to vent my frustrations to. My girl "friends" are married for the most part and I don't want to sound bitter or rude, but their lives seemed to have continued down the path presented to them in all our Sunday School and Young Women's church meetings. Mine did not. And while I have spent a great deal of time trying to come to terms with where I went wrong and why I haven't been able to get a man to make any sort of real commitment to me in over 5 years, I still don't understand. I have few male friends I'd feel comfortable bringing this too, they are mostly just concerned with themselves.

I was at the doctor having my back examined again this week and I had him inspect a mole that I have had for a few years that has been changing over the last few months. He did a biopsy of it and I'm waiting for the results, but he was concerned with how large it was and the location. I'm scared. Hopefully everything will be fine and normal, but I'm honestly terrified every time my phone rings. I spoke to the doctor about the panic attacks and he suggested I go speak with a therapist. And even though I never thought I'd be someone that needed professional help to sort out my problems, I don't feel like I have any other options right now.

I got an MRI of my lower back this afternoon, and while I lay in the confined tube I thought of all the potential questions the therapist might ask. And my train of thought brought me to an attempt to figure out when I was last trully happy. January 2008. Wow. 2 years since I can say I was happy. So sad. I hope this guy can help me sort of things out. I need some peace or I'll never be able to become who I want to be.

In addition to the therapy thing I have been seriously considering making an attempt to get involved with the church again. I need some direction and peace and the last time I had anything close to these I was some what active. I may breakout my old Bible and Book of Mormon. I need to find my Patriarchal blessing and that will help. I may also ask for a Preisthood blessing, although I'm not really sure what is and isnt appropriate when it comes to this and the guy I asked about it seemed like I was putting him on the spot or he was annoyed that I had asked so, so I guess I'll just find someone new to discuss it with. Anyway, I just want to be happy and whole and I want to be the kind of person a guy would like to spend the rest of his life with. I want to build a life with someone and right now I am filled with so much anger, resentment, loneliness, and fear I'm not ready. I just need some help to become the person I want to be.

Eco Coke

Love!

New Tattoo

I'm posting this today in honor of the holiday of my heritage; I am very much Irish! And because lately, (actually closer to the better part of the last 3 years) I feel like so many things go wrong, it's just one shit storm after another. So I'm taking my mojo into my own hands!! Here's my thought- my luck needs to change, and in an effort to do that I'm going to get the tattoo that I've talked about getting for years. I want a tiny black four leaf clover on the back of my left shoulder. Small, simple, and classic looking. Or possibly on the inside of my left wrist. I'm not sure yet. I want it as a reminder that I can change my own luck and accomplish anything I set out to do. Now, I just need to find a local artist that I like. I got my first tat in Hawaii so I can't really go back to him. The guy who pierced my belly button was fine, but I didn't really look into his artwork because I wasn't there for that. So maybe I'll go back and give his stuff a look. Anyway, I hope everyone had a great St. Patrick's Day!

Wefeelfine.org

This site is amazing! Some dudes wrote a code that scans blogs for statements that show how a person is feeling. They are presented in this massive moving dot thing where each particle represents a feeling posted by someone on their blog. It's freaking cool and I love the colors.

Feelings are broken up into five different areas: madness, murmurs, montage, mobs, and metrics. You can control the population of feelings with filters at the top. Oh yeah, they also turned it into a book, find it here.

Cute Old Couple

Oh man, this is adorable! I'd have to live to be like 107 years old to be married 62 years, and at least 108 to learn to play the piano, but still something to strive for, right? Right? Ha ha, I found this sweet vid on a new reader's blog (actually I shouldn't assume she's now a "reader") rather a new commenter Amy Spencer, author of Meeting Your Half-Orange. You can purchase her book and read her blog here. If you're single check it out, pretty interesting stuff girls, and like one boy.

Also, on a completely off topic subject, I'm considering creating a budget for items like this and this, and then reviewing them on the old bloggeroo because 1) I'm a big supporter of the out of box thinkers. B) I know my single purchases and reviews would increase their sales and keep a few people employed just a bit longer. 3)They are just too fab to pass up! And I know right now you are more concerned that I'm thinking of a budget rather than my purchasing of said items. Ha! I'm growing up folks, watch me go.

BIG BOOTY HOE!!

Good flyin hell! Is this for real? Buy them here if you're interested in a little more junk in the trunk.

New glasses!!

I had my annual eye exam yesterday and I picked out some new frames! Remember how Tonka ate my old ones? Yeah, so I'm pretty excited to have these babies soon. 2 weeks and they'll be mine! YAY! Does everyone like?

Dog Stache

Ha! I love it. I think Tonk needs one of these.

Hello?

Guys, has my blog become boring or do my posts suck!? Where did everyone go? I miss you bloggy friends. Anyway, I planned to do a post for each of the photos below at one point or another this week, but I never got around to it. So here they are in all their pictorial glory. Enjoy.

Ugliest truck skin ever.

GPOYW: I'm wearing less eye makeup, can you even tell?

Doesn't Tonka look old and wise?

Spring Cleaning

In an effort to attract the warm spring weather, I decided to do a little spring cleaning and housework. So after work, I went to my parents, ate some yummy dinner, and stole the carpet shampooer! I moved all of the table/chairs, everything off of the floors and got to work. It really only takes about 2.5 hours to do the entire apartment and I'm so happy it's done now! The carpets look 1000 times better and it smells like spring. The only downside of this is the fact that sweeping/vaccumming/and shampooing are the 3 of the worst things I could do to my back. So that's why I am blogging this silly post at 12:50AM.

So next on the spring cleaning agenda will be to clean off the balcony. Get rid of the old vacuums (Well be selling them, one needs a new belt and then she'll run like a champ, I don't know what is wrong with the other one so make an offer if you're interested.

Once we clean out the balcony I'll be able to get to my old knitting needles and yarn and could may start some fun projects! After that I'm not really sure, probably clean and detail the Jeep. Who knows. But I'm definitely getting in the mood to purge stuff!

GPOYW - New suit!

Survey

I am a member of a few survey things and I'll take them when I get bored to rack up my Hilton Honors points. Anyway, recently took one about technology. It took me 45 min to figure out how to draw a red arrow on this screen shot, so no, technology does not help me relax and unwind.

Run

Run by Snow Patrol

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear