Day 7/Final Post

So I think this will be my last daily post on this subject. I've successfully gone from 50mg Percocet and/or Lortab each day down to 10-15mg/day in 7 days. I'm pretty pleased with myself! A few more days and I'll be at zero. I know I still have lots of work ahead of me on this self improvement project but I'm well on my way. Even after only 7 days my head is more clear and I feel like I have a better handle on working through my aches and pains than before. I hope to hear about my MRI on Monday.

Thank you to everyone for the support and love through comments, emails, and texts! It is so appreciated and helped keep me motivated to complete this process!

Day 6

Today was the best one I've had in this whole process. I woke up and actually wanted to get out of bed. I know, weird. I got a MRI of my ass bone at the ass crack of dawn. Ha! I'm funny again. Anyway, got that and should hear something back on Monday. My back hurts but I think I am just starting to accept it and do what I can to keep my mind busy with other things. Today was my final day at Center for Change. I start at Geneva Pipe on Monday. I'm pretty excited about it! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

Early Morning of Day 5

I can't sleep. My heart was pounding so hard it woke me up. I HATE not sleeping and it's too late to take another Ambien. So, I've been reading blogs on other people getting off medications and lower back pain. And I started Sons of Anarchy over. I love me some SAMCRO. If you don't watch that show currently, you need to get on it. I mean Charlie Hunnam. Need I say more?

I got in for a 90 minute massage last night after I posted Day 4. It totally relaxed my body. Except I'm not sure it really helped my back pain, it's traveling down the back of my left leg now and it's like wrapping around my hip into my stomach. It almost feels like I have a ovarian cyst, only I can feel the direct "pain line" if you will from my back.

This MRI better give me some answers. I'm terrified they are going to tell me I have early signs of my Dad's diseases: DISH and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Read those and you'll know why. I don't know what I would do or how I would handle that news. I'd probably be in a dark room with a bottle or two of tequila for a few days. I have 3 mini bottles of Sprite, 1 can of Coke, and 3 cans of Dr. Pepper sitting around in my room. I should probably just quit all of my vices while I'm at it. Hahaha, I have no intention of giving up my Coke and DP any time in the near future. That's just stupid.

Thanks to everyone for the flood of supporting comments, emails, and texts. It really means so much to me. I was pretty nervous about putting all of this out there, but I think it really was the best idea. I feel like it has given me a huge level of accountibility. I have thought every single day that I just want to go back on my medicine full throttle. I could if I wanted to, no one is forcing me to quit this treatment plan, it's 100% my choice. But I feel like it would be disappointing to the almost 300 unique visitors to my site in the last 4 days. Apparently, people like reading about detoxing and drugs? Anyway, thank you for the support. I appreciate it.

Day 4

Today was much better, I got my MRI scheduled for Friday morning. I slept through the night, could focus, and I didn't cry once! Go me!  I'll decrease my meds again tomorrow so it will probably start over again. What a shit storm I've gotten myself into.

Day 3

My back hurts. I'm seriously cranky. I have no patience for anything whatsoever. I can't focus for more than 3 minutes at a time. I cried three times today and can't remember why. I bought a new blu-ray to get me out of the house. That's all.

End of Day 2

Well I survived Day 2 - on three pills. My back kills and I feel like my whole body is pressing against something. Like you know the doorway trick where you stand in a doorway and push your arms outward as hard as you can for like 20 seconds and then you step out of the doorway and your arms magically float? Yeah, I feel like that. Only I haven't stepped out of the doorway for HOURS. I might try to get in somewhere for a massage tomorrow, but we'll see how it goes. Its been interesting how many people from my past have sent messages, comments, or texts of support compared to how many currently people in my life that have said absolutely nothing. Some of the sneezing and congestion have subsided. And I would kill for a strawberry milkshake right now, but I really just don't have the energy to go get one. I might get one for breakfast ha ha. It's dairy and fruit...like fruit and yogurt. What? It's healthy.

I still absolutely can't live without: Tonka, David Bromstad from Design Star, and my Dad. :)

Day 2

I went to bed at about 11:00PM last night and slept until about 4:30AM. I am trying to taper down my usage until I'm not taking any more meds instead of just stopping cold turkey. (Side note: I hate the term "cold turkey". What does that even mean?) So, according to the master plan I could have/was supposed to take a pill last night when I went to sleep, but in all my over-achiever glory I decided to see if I could make it through the night without it. So I lasted until 4:30AM and took one. The pain in my back woke me up at about 8AM. So this morning isn't awesome, but I am not in agony. My back is on fire and I might try to get in the tub for a bit to calm it down. And my head is really congested. My eyes keep watering and I have sneezed like 15 times. I know I don't have a cold, it's just part of the process.

Things I absolutely could not live without right now: Tonka and Design Star. And Gatorade. Guys, everyone should get a dog. They just know things. Tonka has not left my side since I got in bed last night. And he's not being annoying play with me! Play with me! -Tonka. He's just being sweet, cuddly, I know you feel like shit Mom, Tonka. :) He's the best.

Thanks to everyone that has texted or made comments of support. I appreciate it.

Awake My Soul

I feel like this post could back fire on me but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm hoping it will give me a support system, but if I offend a few readers in the process so be it. So here's some background for you: the last 3 years or so I've lost myself. The girl I was in 2007 is gone. She doesn't exist, I don't know what happened to her but she's gone. It started slowly, there wasn't one single event, that made me lose track of who I am, it was just life. People got sick, finances got hard, I lost and found love, I grew up and I changed. In the midst of evolving as a person I somehow started to care less and less about everything. It became a philosophy for me: Lower expectations to avoid disappointment.

In 2008 I slipped on the icy steps on our front porch and ended up breaking my tailbone. It was awful. Since then I have had increasingly worse lower back/tailbone area pain. It started out bothering me here and there and then it was just bad in the mornings until quickly it was a constant everyday pain. I went to the doctor and we tried everything. I've done physical therapy (twice), massage therapy, chiropractic, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine patches, changed my mattresses, ibuprofen, naproxen, etc. Seriously, I've done all of those things to relieve the pain in my back and none of them were successful. While doing all of these treatment plans I would take Lortab (hydrocodone) when it was really really hurting. I was able to take one 7.5mg Lortab and I wouldn't have any pain for 6-8 hours. I quickly became tolerant and it was bumped to 2/day; then 3/day until finally I was at 1-2 pills 3 times per day. In the Fall of 2009 I went to the doctor and told him I was sick of the yo-yoing of the medications throughout the day (ie feel good for 3 hours but then be in pain until for a few hours until I could take my next dose). I told him I wanted to get on an extended release pain pill so that I could take 2 pills a day instead of 6. He put me on MS Contin and my pain was under control much better. After about 3 weeks of that it really started giving me some scary thoughts and feelings so I went back in and got back on the Lortab at 6-8 pills/day. The same time I broke my tailbone was when my ears started getting really out of control. Basically, I felt like complete shit 24 hours a day.

Fast forward to today, my ears are somewhat under control, but my back pain is the same as ever. I recently switched the Lortab to Percocet because it wasn't working as well. So, I am taking 6-8 Percocet a day and it really helps control my pain. But there are some side effects that come along with any daily narcotic usage. 1- Anxiety. Especially when I start to run out of pills. I know that my doctor will refill my script, but there is this major fear that for some reason he won't this month and I'm gonna have to come off them cold turkey. I hate that fear. 2- I feel nothing, I'm numb. Getting back to my "I don't care philosophy" - the pills just increase those feelings ten fold and I know that I've cut myself off from personal relationships because of it. 3-I don't know what pain is anymore. It's to the point where I don't make myself work through any sort of pain on my own. My back hurts? Take a pill. Have a headache? Take a pill. Feeling depressed? Take a pill. Can't sleep? Take a pill. I literally take a pill for everything. I have no real sense of what my pain level actually is anymore. I'm sick of it.

The point of this whole post is that I have decided to come off all the pills. I started tapering down today. About 2 hours ago to be exact. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need to get back to zero so I can access what my real pain is. And hopefully get a little more clarity in my head at the same time. I have to find myself again before it's too late. I want to care about things again. I want to feel happiness and sadness again, because I honestly don't feel anything. In the words of Mumford & Sons, I'm going to awake my soul. Wish me luck.

Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and Ill just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep totally free.
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker