Last night I went to Walgreen's around 9:30pm. As I was checking out a young guy walked into the store that made me feel rather uncomfortable. I know it's pretty judgmental on my part, but he just seemed like a punk up to no good. His head was shaved, he wore big baggy pants and a hoodie with the hood up. I didn't feel safe when he walked by. He bought something small and was soon standing behind me in line. He kind of invaded my space in line making me even more uncomfortable. So I paid for my items and walked to my car. I unlocked it and got in and as I did so a car pulled up to the doors of the store and picked up the young guy. I sat in my car for a few minutes hoping they would pull out of the parking lot and leave. When they didn't I left the parking lot and took a different way home, watching my rear view mirror making sure they weren't behind me. I know it was nothing and they didn't follow me, not that they had any reason to. So I get home, lock up, and go to bed, everything is fine but I still felt a little weird about that guy.
I had some trouble falling asleep even with the hefty sleeping pill I take each night. I did drift to sleep though but was woken up due to a bad dream around 1:00AM. I can't remember what the dream was about, I only know it woke me up and I was frightened. As I lay there trying to fall back to sleep I heard a noise that scared me enough to grab my phone and put on my glasses to go investigate all the corners of my house to make sure everything was okay. Everything was fine, I got a drink, and got back into my bed. As I sat there, my phone still in hand I thought to myself who would I have called? Yes, I know that if the noise had been something serious, I would have immediately called the police. But it was just one of those things where I just wanted to talk to SOMEONE. I didn't need anyone to come over or anything. I just wanted someone to make sure I was okay and tell me I was fine. And then it just hit me, is this it? Is this how it's always going to be for me? I get scared in the middle of the night and I just have to tough it out? Seriously? I want someone to be laying next to me when I wake up scared, but I don't have that. Or a boyfriend that I can call and say I'm freaked out. I don't have that either. Nothing. As I continued to sit there I was reminded of the scene in the movie As Good As It Gets when Jack Nicholson walks out of the psychiatrists office and says to the other patients in the lobby "What if this is as good as it gets?" What if this is as good as it's going to get for me? :(
I don't want people to think I am ungrateful. Because I am not. I have been blessed in many ways. I have an amazing family. I have a wonderful job that allows me to be independent. I pay for everything on my own. I have a 2 bedroom condo all to myself. I have my own car. And I have the ability to do any kind of fun things I want. I am very independent, but people seem to confuse my independence with me PREFERRING to be alone. I don't prefer to be alone. I want to share my life with someone. I just don't have that person. I just wish I had more in my life. I want less independence. I want to share a life with someone. I don't want to be married right now, I just want someone. I want someone to share things with. I want someone to ask how my day was, and actually care about what's going on with my job or my life or my anything. I guess I'm just feeling sorry for myself and I need these thoughts out of my head.
8 comments:
I know exactly how you feel. I love my family, my friends, my dogs, and I love my roommate -- but it's not the same. That's one of the things I miss about being married -- nothing was real until I told him about it.
Love you Meagen!
you need to get together with jill's brother, shane! i had this exact conversation with him last night. his exact words..."i want to find my best friend". cute huh? why are all these hot people single?
You can call me. I'm all alone every other week and my dog doesn't cuddle very well. It's pretty much like cuddling with a deer.
amen sister sue.
Meagen you poor thing. I don't like to hear when you are sad, makes me sad. You could have called me I would have told you everything is going to be okay. I know, I know I am not anywhere near as cool as a boyfriend would be but still.. I would be there :]Ha ha. I love you. Some guy is going to be VERY lucky to get you one day. You are a real good catch VERY cute, talented, organized, fun, true friend, great personality and you have a wonderful family.
P.s That is only a few good things about you... The list could go on and on.
Meagan... guys go through this too. I'm not sure if I'll get kicked out of the guys club for saying that sometimes I hear noises and get a lil spooked but happily it happens only occasionally.
PLUS there are a ton of movies that I haven't watched because they are for couples or families and I'm never gonna pay money to see them unless I have someone special with me.
There are smiles to be given, hugs to be shared, smells to be enjoyed and experiences to be lived that will be better with someone. It's gotta be the right kind of someone NOT the right someone cause I think there isn't just one for all of us (At least I hope not cause I like naps and if I missed my THE ONE cause I was napping that's gonna SUCK!).
Like the promise of purity and the addage about wine and cheese... it gets better for those who wait. I assume it's true cause the waiting part sucks!!!
Happy waiting.
--Skippy--
Fellow waiter.
:o)
:o)
:o)
AWE Maegen...I feel for ya. I remember that part of my life, even if it feels like it was just a brief moment looking back on it now. Then I found Clark and then I remember thinking...wow, I guess no kids for us, not cause we don't want any, but it eventually (7 yrs later) happened. So, I know everything does take time and it seems like forever now, but later you'll think "wow, I'd wait forever just for this." This = your special someone. :) Um...BTW were you able to see Twilight yet? Hope so, I loved it.
I love you!!!
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