12 August 2011

All or nothing

I fully realized today I am an all or nothing type of person. I saw a therapist once who told me I was exactly that and I remember saying to myself, yeah okay, but how does recognizing that help me get out of bed in the morning? I still don't know and it's really getting worse.

Hobbies - I don't just casually do things like crafts or puzzles. Recently, I finished 3 1000 piece puzzles in a matter of 14 days. I will knit 5 or 6 beanies in just a few days and then I won't yarn for months. It's the same thing with reading. I get really into it and have a stack on my nightstand, and will read 2-3 books in a few weeks and then won't pick up another for a long time. When I redecorate a room I will do all of it at once, I don't like collecting a piece here and there.

Dating and friends - I want to be in a relationship seriously moving in a forward direction or I don't want to date you at all. I want to be the focus of a guy's attention, because they will be mine. I don't care for casual dating much. The expectations are never clear and I usually end up disappointed. I have many casual acquaintances but I have few really close friends. Those that are, I talk to almost everyday and know exactly what's going on in their lives. I feel like I hit roadblocks a lot with personal relationships. I will completely open up to you or I won't at all. More often than not it's the latter. For example, I generally avoid getting close to people I work with. I feel like if coworkers know too many details of my personal life they will be used against me in some way. In many ways I no longer lead a lifestyle similar to those around me and I feel like I will be judged if people knew my real beliefs on certain subjects. There are more than a handful of things in my life, especially in the last three or four years that I am more than ashamed/embarrassed about and I just avoid budding relationships with everyone to avoid telling these ugly parts. I build walls to avoid being judged and in return I end up lonely. I don't know how to open up anymore.

Finances - I used to be so on top of my financial well being it was amazing. I kicked ass at paying my bills on time and knowing exactly where all my money was. Part of that was that I was making really good money and had little expenses. However, not working for 18 months while racking up ungodly amounts of medical bills has killed that. Not to mention I make less than half of what I used to, there's barely enough for gas and food, let alone get caught up on past shit. I avoid the mailbox and the thought of adding up the numbers gives me serious anxiety. I know the longer I put this off the worse it gets but I literally don't know where to start.

This all or nothing mentality is killing me. It has become super easy for me to get down on myself and feel like a failure. Most often I will feel I could have done better in one aspect and I can quickly move on. But right now, I'd like to just completely start over with life. I really would, I feel like I am so far behind or doing poorly in so many areas that it's just not worth the effort, so I've slowly stopped making any at all. I want to just wipe the slate clean, but I cant. I need to find some healthy balance in my life and I don't know how. My life used to be in perfect working order, and now it's just chaos.

1 comment:

John Pender said...

Oh Megan. I know exactly how you feel. It appears you and I have even more in common than I thought. I had to learn to start looking at things in smaller bits rather than tackling the big picture all at once.

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