meagen ridley

Fridge

2012-01-19T21:34:00.001-07:00

Fitness and Nutrition Update

2012-01-15T16:26:00.001-07:00

So I wanted to give everyone that still reads this an update on the fitness and nutrition changes I've made. We got a new gym a few months ago (Planet Fitness) in Orem about a mile or so from my house. As soon as I saw the 'coming soon' signage I knew I wanted to join. Well I did it. And I've been going almost every day. And I'm freaking in LOVE.

When I was taking prednisone for my ears everyday I gained close to 50 fucking pounds. Anyone that has been on that for an extended period of time knows it's inevitable. There's nothing you can do to stop it, don't even try. Anyway, the extra weight on my 5'3" frame is obviously not a good thing. I had this idea in my head that once I stopped taking it the weight would come off on it's own naturally. It didn't. So I faced it and made a choice about a month ago and I knew the only way I would start to look and feel normal again was to work the weight off through the gym and change my diet. So I bought a gym pass and am doing just that.

Originally, my goal was to just get my ass to the gym 4 times a week. But now, I go in with a purpose and push myself a little harder each day. I have tried all of the cardio machines available. I've never been a big fan of the bikes and the treadmill is hard on my joints. I landed my heart on the Arc Trainer. I LOVE it. The first time I got on it I did 5 minutes and thought I was going to DIE. 2 days later I got back on and went 20. And now I am doing no less than 35 minutes each time. It is super low impact on my joints but it burns calories twice as fast as the treadmill or elliptical. If you've not tried one I seriously recommend it. I am dripping in sweat when I get off that thing. It's magic. In addition, I am doing the 30 min full body circuit training they have set up 3x per week. That's good too and I feel my body (especially my back) getting stronger.

As far as my diet goes, that has completely changed. I used to eat 2 maybe 3 meals containing tons of processed crap a day. I've cut out everything processed. My diet consists of mostly fruits, vegetables, and whole wheats and grains. And I eat 5 small meals/snacks a day. I didn't (and don't plan to) cut out Coke and Dr. Pepper. That's not a realistic goal for me. I just seriously cut down. I have one can with lunch. I keep track of all my food intake and exercise on MyFitnessPal.com. Since I've made these changes (roughly around the 4th of January) I've lost 8 pounds. Go me go! I am sleeping a bit better at night and I don't eat based on emotion or what 'sounds good' anymore. I think of food as fuel now and it's changed everything. I'll do another update in a week.

In the last week....

2012-01-11T05:30:00.000-07:00

I've fallen in love with these things!

Gym Magic

2012-01-09T17:30:00.000-07:00

Blogger Tips Tutorial

2012-01-05T04:34:00.000-07:00

So I seem to get quite a few inquiries each time I redesign my blog on how I do it and if I have any tips to give. First off THANK YOU! And it's got me thinking I want to put together a tutorial with tips and step by step instructions on how to create cool headers with cute fonts, how to add stat counters, pages, etc. This would be specific to the Blogger (Blogspot) platform because this is what I use. I am thinking of a video tutorial and/or instruction manual with screen shots. Would you guys be interested in something like this? Also, would you pay cash monies for it? What other things would you be interested in learning how to do with your blog? Let me know what you think in the comments or on my Facebook page.

Welcome 2012: Magic

2012-01-04T17:05:00.000-07:00

Hello 2012! And welcome to my newly designed blog! I'm really excited for the new year! Instead of coming up with a list of resolutions on ways I will improve my life over the next year, I've decided to participate in the one word focus challenge I've seen going around the blogosphere. Basically, you pick a word and focus on it throughout the entire year. I debated on several words the last few weeks: warmth, strength, happy. But ultimately I decided to go with the word magic.

The last few years have been rough for me. I have focused more on all of the negative things around me more than ever before. Moving forward I want to focus on the more positive things in my life: things that make me smile, things that make me happy, things that are good for me, things that are magic. I'm going to do my best to post at least once a week on the magic in my life, but if it doesn't happen then so be it. I'm also going to be trying to do more book reviews.

So, to start things off, the weather right now is magic. Seriously. It's January and 43 degrees! It's been like this for weeks! No snow, no freezing my ass off when I get in the car, ahhh I love it!

Magic is all of my shows starting up again after the holiday break like Biggest Loser, and Grey's Anatomy. Magic is falling in love with new shows like The Walking Dead and 2 Broke Girls.

It's been fun seeing everyone post about their resolutions and if you don't have anything in the works yet think about doing the word challenge. It's not as overwhelming as a big long list of things to do! Happy New Year everyone!

BBQ Chicken Pita Pizza

2011-10-28T21:20:00.000-06:00

This is delicious!

BBQ Chicken Pita Pizza
Pita pockets - store bought
Chicken breast
BBQ sauce
Mozzarella cheese
Purple onions, thinly sliced
Grated Parmesan cheese
Pineapple
Cilantro, fresh
Crushed red pepper
Salt

Boil the chicken until cooked and then cut into chunks. Sprinkle pitas with Parmesan cheese and toast in oven until golden brown. Layer on your favorite BBQ sauce, shredded mozzarella, chicken, pineapple, purple onions, and chopped cilantro. Season with crushed red pepper and salt. Warm in the oven until the cheese is melted.

I like to make up a bunch of them then freeze them for later! They are awesome that way!

Fried Green Tuna-mato

2011-10-22T12:10:00.002-06:00

So I've been trying to cook a bit more lately and this is my newest creation! I call it Fried Green Tuna-mato. Basically it's a fried green tomato with tuna on top. I don't measure when I make cook, but here's my best recipe.

Fried Green Tuna-mato
3 cans of chunk white tuna, in water
3 green tomatoes
3 eggs
2 C bread crumbs
1 C grated parmesean cheese
Mayo
Garlic Powder
Salt
Pepper
Oil for frying

Open tuna and drain water. Mix with a few tablespoons of mayo. Add salt and pepper to taste, put in refrigerator. Mix bread crumbs with parmesan cheese, add garlic powder, salt, and pepper to taste. Beat three eggs in separate bowl, set aside. Clean and slice tomatoes into thick slices. Maybe 3/4 of an inch.

Heat up your oil. I like to do this in a skillet type pan, so there is about a 1/2-3/4 inch of oil. Dredge your tomato slices in the eggs then in the bread crumbs and cheese, then fry them in the hot oil until they are golden brown. Remove from the oil and put on a paper towel to drain excess oil. Top with cold tuna and serve. Yum!!

Me circa October iPhone Pictures

2011-10-21T21:35:00.000-06:00

Hii! I'm still here, just super busy! So here's what I've been up to circa iPhone pictures.

My Dad and I went to Aussie Pink Floyd. OMG it was AWESOME! I loved it!

And he sucks at picture taking. Haha.

I cut my hair! And I love it! My friend Nikki did such a good job!

Nutella. It has a gold seal so you know it's good.

I broke in these boots. They are bad ass.

These are the boots I will wear when I am an old lady, like in Sons of Anarchy.

Don't laugh. I'm totally serious.

Work: Been there a month and I love it! I'm busy all the time and my coworkers are the best!

I listen to Adele and Mumford & Sons exclusively now. Seriously, exclusively.

I love them so much I can't even handle it.

If you don't have these two albums you are cuhrazy.

Go buy them ASAP.

I do artwork now. That's hanging above my bed and I wish it were bigger. That's what she said. BOOM.

I still love this little shit.

I'm reading these books. I'm also cooking and redecorating my room/bathroom,

but I'll do separate posts for those. Stay tuned!

Movies I want to see

2011-10-02T19:05:00.002-06:00

Contraband

Man On A Ledge

Ides of March

Underworld 4: Awakening

Day 7/Final Post

2011-09-10T18:43:00.003-06:00

So I think this will be my last daily post on this subject. I've successfully gone from 50mg Percocet and/or Lortab each day down to 10-15mg/day in 7 days. I'm pretty pleased with myself! A few more days and I'll be at zero. I know I still have lots of work ahead of me on this self improvement project but I'm well on my way. Even after only 7 days my head is more clear and I feel like I have a better handle on working through my aches and pains than before. I hope to hear about my MRI on Monday.

Thank you to everyone for the support and love through comments, emails, and texts! It is so appreciated and helped keep me motivated to complete this process!

Day 6

2011-09-09T19:26:00.004-06:00

Today was the best one I've had in this whole process. I woke up and actually wanted to get out of bed. I know, weird. I got a MRI of my ass bone at the ass crack of dawn. Ha! I'm funny again. Anyway, got that and should hear something back on Monday. My back hurts but I think I am just starting to accept it and do what I can to keep my mind busy with other things. Today was my final day at Center for Change. I start at Geneva Pipe on Monday. I'm pretty excited about it! Hope everyone has an awesome weekend!

Early Morning of Day 5

2011-09-08T02:23:00.005-06:00

I can't sleep. My heart was pounding so hard it woke me up. I HATE not sleeping and it's too late to take another Ambien. So, I've been reading blogs on other people getting off medications and lower back pain. And I started Sons of Anarchy over. I love me some SAMCRO. If you don't watch that show currently, you need to get on it. I mean Charlie Hunnam. Need I say more?

I got in for a 90 minute massage last night after I posted Day 4. It totally relaxed my body. Except I'm not sure it really helped my back pain, it's traveling down the back of my left leg now and it's like wrapping around my hip into my stomach. It almost feels like I have a ovarian cyst, only I can feel the direct "pain line" if you will from my back.

This MRI better give me some answers. I'm terrified they are going to tell me I have early signs of my Dad's diseases: DISH and Ankylosing Spondylitis. Read those and you'll know why. I don't know what I would do or how I would handle that news. I'd probably be in a dark room with a bottle or two of tequila for a few days. I have 3 mini bottles of Sprite, 1 can of Coke, and 3 cans of Dr. Pepper sitting around in my room. I should probably just quit all of my vices while I'm at it. Hahaha, I have no intention of giving up my Coke and DP any time in the near future. That's just stupid.

Thanks to everyone for the flood of supporting comments, emails, and texts. It really means so much to me. I was pretty nervous about putting all of this out there, but I think it really was the best idea. I feel like it has given me a huge level of accountibility. I have thought every single day that I just want to go back on my medicine full throttle. I could if I wanted to, no one is forcing me to quit this treatment plan, it's 100% my choice. But I feel like it would be disappointing to the almost 300 unique visitors to my site in the last 4 days. Apparently, people like reading about detoxing and drugs? Anyway, thank you for the support. I appreciate it.

Day 4

2011-09-07T17:52:00.000-06:00

Today was much better, I got my MRI scheduled for Friday morning. I slept through the night, could focus, and I didn't cry once! Go me! I'll decrease my meds again tomorrow so it will probably start over again. What a shit storm I've gotten myself into.

Day 3

2011-09-06T21:13:00.000-06:00

My back hurts. I'm seriously cranky. I have no patience for anything whatsoever. I can't focus for more than 3 minutes at a time. I cried three times today and can't remember why. I bought a new blu-ray to get me out of the house. That's all.

End of Day 2

2011-09-05T22:00:00.002-06:00

Well I survived Day 2 - on three pills. My back kills and I feel like my whole body is pressing against something. Like you know the doorway trick where you stand in a doorway and push your arms outward as hard as you can for like 20 seconds and then you step out of the doorway and your arms magically float? Yeah, I feel like that. Only I haven't stepped out of the doorway for HOURS. I might try to get in somewhere for a massage tomorrow, but we'll see how it goes. Its been interesting how many people from my past have sent messages, comments, or texts of support compared to how many currently people in my life that have said absolutely nothing. Some of the sneezing and congestion have subsided. And I would kill for a strawberry milkshake right now, but I really just don't have the energy to go get one. I might get one for breakfast ha ha. It's dairy and fruit...like fruit and yogurt. What? It's healthy.

I still absolutely can't live without: Tonka, David Bromstad from Design Star, and my Dad. :)

Day 2

2011-09-05T09:54:00.000-06:00

I went to bed at about 11:00PM last night and slept until about 4:30AM. I am trying to taper down my usage until I'm not taking any more meds instead of just stopping cold turkey. (Side note: I hate the term "cold turkey". What does that even mean?) So, according to the master plan I could have/was supposed to take a pill last night when I went to sleep, but in all my over-achiever glory I decided to see if I could make it through the night without it. So I lasted until 4:30AM and took one. The pain in my back woke me up at about 8AM. So this morning isn't awesome, but I am not in agony. My back is on fire and I might try to get in the tub for a bit to calm it down. And my head is really congested. My eyes keep watering and I have sneezed like 15 times. I know I don't have a cold, it's just part of the process.

Things I absolutely could not live without right now: Tonka and Design Star. And Gatorade. Guys, everyone should get a dog. They just know things. Tonka has not left my side since I got in bed last night. And he's not being annoying play with me! Play with me! -Tonka. He's just being sweet, cuddly, I know you feel like shit Mom, Tonka. :) He's the best.

Thanks to everyone that has texted or made comments of support. I appreciate it.

Awake My Soul

2011-09-04T16:06:00.001-06:00

I feel like this post could back fire on me but I'm willing to take that risk. I'm hoping it will give me a support system, but if I offend a few readers in the process so be it. So here's some background for you: the last 3 years or so I've lost myself. The girl I was in 2007 is gone. She doesn't exist, I don't know what happened to her but she's gone. It started slowly, there wasn't one single event, that made me lose track of who I am, it was just life. People got sick, finances got hard, I lost and found love, I grew up and I changed. In the midst of evolving as a person I somehow started to care less and less about everything. It became a philosophy for me: Lower expectations to avoid disappointment.

In 2008 I slipped on the icy steps on our front porch and ended up breaking my tailbone. It was awful. Since then I have had increasingly worse lower back/tailbone area pain. It started out bothering me here and there and then it was just bad in the mornings until quickly it was a constant everyday pain. I went to the doctor and we tried everything. I've done physical therapy (twice), massage therapy, chiropractic, cortisone injections, trigger point injections, lidocaine patches, changed my mattresses, ibuprofen, naproxen, etc. Seriously, I've done all of those things to relieve the pain in my back and none of them were successful. While doing all of these treatment plans I would take Lortab (hydrocodone) when it was really really hurting. I was able to take one 7.5mg Lortab and I wouldn't have any pain for 6-8 hours. I quickly became tolerant and it was bumped to 2/day; then 3/day until finally I was at 1-2 pills 3 times per day. In the Fall of 2009 I went to the doctor and told him I was sick of the yo-yoing of the medications throughout the day (ie feel good for 3 hours but then be in pain until for a few hours until I could take my next dose). I told him I wanted to get on an extended release pain pill so that I could take 2 pills a day instead of 6. He put me on MS Contin and my pain was under control much better. After about 3 weeks of that it really started giving me some scary thoughts and feelings so I went back in and got back on the Lortab at 6-8 pills/day. The same time I broke my tailbone was when my ears started getting really out of control. Basically, I felt like complete shit 24 hours a day.

Fast forward to today, my ears are somewhat under control, but my back pain is the same as ever. I recently switched the Lortab to Percocet because it wasn't working as well. So, I am taking 6-8 Percocet a day and it really helps control my pain. But there are some side effects that come along with any daily narcotic usage. 1- Anxiety. Especially when I start to run out of pills. I know that my doctor will refill my script, but there is this major fear that for some reason he won't this month and I'm gonna have to come off them cold turkey. I hate that fear. 2- I feel nothing, I'm numb. Getting back to my "I don't care philosophy" - the pills just increase those feelings ten fold and I know that I've cut myself off from personal relationships because of it. 3-I don't know what pain is anymore. It's to the point where I don't make myself work through any sort of pain on my own. My back hurts? Take a pill. Have a headache? Take a pill. Feeling depressed? Take a pill. Can't sleep? Take a pill. I literally take a pill for everything. I have no real sense of what my pain level actually is anymore. I'm sick of it.

The point of this whole post is that I have decided to come off all the pills. I started tapering down today. About 2 hours ago to be exact. I know it's not going to be easy, but I need to get back to zero so I can access what my real pain is. And hopefully get a little more clarity in my head at the same time. I have to find myself again before it's too late. I want to care about things again. I want to feel happiness and sadness again, because I honestly don't feel anything. In the words of Mumford & Sons, I'm going to awake my soul. Wish me luck.

Mumford & Sons
Awake My Soul

How fickle my heart and how woozy my eyes
I struggle to find any truth in your lies.
And now my heart stumbles on things I don't know
This weakness I feel I must finally show

Lend me your hand and we'll conquer them all
But lend me your heart and Ill just let you fall
Lend me your eyes I can change what you see
But your soul you must keep totally free.
Har har, har har, har har, har har

In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life
In these bodies we will live, in these bodies we will die
Where you invest your love, you invest your life

Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
Awake my soul, awake my soul
Awake my soul
You were made to meet your maker
You were made to meet your maker

Garden Veggies!

2011-08-17T20:36:00.000-06:00

My Dad has a serious green thumb this year! I'm not sure what he did but the garden has never grown like this. The plants are overflowing their boxes! I gathered all of this just today. That's 50 jalapenos! Yellow cucumbers, regular cucumber, tomatoes, and zucchinis. I don't know where that really large zuch came from.. I go out there about every other day and my Dad is out there everyday. Somehow we both missed it for this long.

Today's picks

Zucchini Plant - it looks prehistoric to me. Dinosaur food maybe?

Lemon Cucumber

Tomatoes

Garden boxes - these boxes are 3x8-ish. Those plants are taking over the yard!

Today's pick

HUGE Zucchini

All or nothing

2011-08-12T20:56:00.002-06:00

I fully realized today I am an all or nothing type of person. I saw a therapist once who told me I was exactly that and I remember saying to myself, yeah okay, but how does recognizing that help me get out of bed in the morning? I still don't know and it's really getting worse.

Hobbies - I don't just casually do things like crafts or puzzles. Recently, I finished 3 1000 piece puzzles in a matter of 14 days. I will knit 5 or 6 beanies in just a few days and then I won't yarn for months. It's the same thing with reading. I get really into it and have a stack on my nightstand, and will read 2-3 books in a few weeks and then won't pick up another for a long time. When I redecorate a room I will do all of it at once, I don't like collecting a piece here and there.

Dating and friends - I want to be in a relationship seriously moving in a forward direction or I don't want to date you at all. I want to be the focus of a guy's attention, because they will be mine. I don't care for casual dating much. The expectations are never clear and I usually end up disappointed. I have many casual acquaintances but I have few really close friends. Those that are, I talk to almost everyday and know exactly what's going on in their lives. I feel like I hit roadblocks a lot with personal relationships. I will completely open up to you or I won't at all. More often than not it's the latter. For example, I generally avoid getting close to people I work with. I feel like if coworkers know too many details of my personal life they will be used against me in some way. In many ways I no longer lead a lifestyle similar to those around me and I feel like I will be judged if people knew my real beliefs on certain subjects. There are more than a handful of things in my life, especially in the last three or four years that I am more than ashamed/embarrassed about and I just avoid budding relationships with everyone to avoid telling these ugly parts. I build walls to avoid being judged and in return I end up lonely. I don't know how to open up anymore.

Finances - I used to be so on top of my financial well being it was amazing. I kicked ass at paying my bills on time and knowing exactly where all my money was. Part of that was that I was making really good money and had little expenses. However, not working for 18 months while racking up ungodly amounts of medical bills has killed that. Not to mention I make less than half of what I used to, there's barely enough for gas and food, let alone get caught up on past shit. I avoid the mailbox and the thought of adding up the numbers gives me serious anxiety. I know the longer I put this off the worse it gets but I literally don't know where to start.

This all or nothing mentality is killing me. It has become super easy for me to get down on myself and feel like a failure. Most often I will feel I could have done better in one aspect and I can quickly move on. But right now, I'd like to just completely start over with life. I really would, I feel like I am so far behind or doing poorly in so many areas that it's just not worth the effort, so I've slowly stopped making any at all. I want to just wipe the slate clean, but I cant. I need to find some healthy balance in my life and I don't know how. My life used to be in perfect working order, and now it's just chaos.

Love Is Art

2011-07-26T18:54:00.000-06:00

Amazing! I love it! Buy kits here.

Tonka Howls!

2011-07-16T23:02:00.000-06:00

I seriously love this! Don't mind my Dad howling in the background.

Life List Updated

2011-07-05T18:39:00.005-06:00

I made some changes!

Fly first class

Ride in a submarine

Burning Man

Name a star

~~Eat pineapple in Hawaii~~

Fall head over heals in love

~~Ride in a train~~

Visit New York

Be an inspiration

Culinary Arts School

~~Kiss on a bridge~~

~~Build-A-Bear~~

~~Get a tattoo~~

1000 DVDs
Read Mein Kampf

Go to a World Series game

Visit the big sycamore tree in Indiana

~~Ride in the Tea Cups~~

~~Go to the end of a rainbow~~

See the Northern Lights

Attend a taping of The Price is Right

Go to the top of a lighthouse

~~Ride in a hot air balloon~~

Attend Mardi Gras

Learn Spanish

Learn to knit for reals

Attend the Sundance Film Festival

Shakespearean Festival

See the Golden Gate Bridge

Eat at a Gordon Ramsay Restaurant

See a space shuttle launch

Learn to ride a motorcycle

Lasso

2011-07-04T10:35:00.000-06:00

I'm so into music right now! LOVE! So I'm spreading The Band Perry love. Listen here.

Lasso

The Band Perry

When I first laid eyes on you

Well, the night just felt so odd

You looked at me and the stars lined up

So I thought I'd heard from God

And I gave him my best shot

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado

I tried to hold on to you

Took a ride on a tilt-a-whirl that sits on top of the world

Man, I thought I could show you

I've always been afraid of flying

But you can't blame a girl for trying

Felt like a pearl when I was holding your hand

So precious I forgot

You could have any girl but I only wanted one man

Still I gave it my best shot

Loving you was like throwing a lasso around a tornado

I tried to hold on to you

Took a turn on a high trapeze swinging over the deep

I thought i could show you

I've always been afraid of flying

But you can't blame a girl for trying

Like a vine bends a tree to the ground

I won't hold you down

I tried to climb just as high

But I found all the clouds touch the ground

In this small town

Took a ride on a high trapeze swinging over the deep

I thought I could show you

That I've always been afraid of flying

But you can't blame a girl for trying

No, you can't blame a girl

Walk Me Down The Middle

2011-07-04T02:19:00.000-06:00

This is pretty much my favorite song and band right now. They are (in the words of my sister) amazeballs! Seriously, I've listened to this song 16 times on iTunes since I bought the album like a week ago. Oh and this one is my favorite right now too. Kenny is always my favorite though. Amazeballs!

Walk Me Down The Middle

The Band Perry

I was meant to be by your side

And I have waited here a long time

For you to turn around and notice me

But now you're here holding hands with me

Walk me down the middle of the county fair

Walk me down the middle like you don't care

Walk me by the ferris wheel

And make sure she sees

Let the whole world know you belong to me

I heard about your bitter end

About how she stole your heart and put back again

Well I may not be the prettiest girl around

But I sure am a sight for sore, sore eyes

Walk me down the middle of Main Street

Walk me down where the whole town will be

I don't need no parade

But make sure that she sees

Let the whole world know you belong to me

I'd walk through fire for you

Walk through barbed wire for you

I'd walk for miles, it's true

Just to be with you

If you walk me down the middle of my momma's church

Walk me down that aisle in your finest shirt

Let the whole world know you will

Walk me down the middle of the county fair

Walk me down the middle like you don't care

Walk me by the ferris wheel

And make sure they all see

Let the whole world know you belong to me

You belong to me

Moneyball

2011-06-28T15:18:00.001-06:00

Hmm...yeah I probably need to see this come fall.

DO NOT Use CLEAR Internet Service

2011-06-17T21:00:00.000-06:00

They are a scam! Here's my story: in February we switched ISPs and went with Clear. We were a bit skeptical at first because they were a fairly new company, but ultimately we decided to make the change for three reasons: they had an unlimited usage plan, their service was built to stream video really well, and the pricing was good. So we buy their modem for $150 (to avoid being in contract) and signed up for their unlimited service plan at $45/mo. It only took a few minutes to hook up the modem to our router and we were off and running. Everything worked great! There was a few days were the service seemed to be a little slow, but we attributed that to March Madness and figured there were more people using the service during the games and what not. No big deal.

So last week they sent us an email saying that during routine maintenance they found an atypical amount of usage on our account and said we were bogging down their system. They attributed this to a) viruses on our computers b) an unprotected router and/or c) constant uploading or streaming of data. They told us to check the computers, router, and to be more cautious of our usage to be sure other users weren't experiencing problems. My first reaction was oh wow, I hope someone isn't piggy backing on our router and causing the problem. If they were they'd have to be doing a massive amount of downloading and what not in order for our account to be causing other users problems. Then I was bugged. I thought we were paying for unlimited usage so even if others were on our router it shouldn't matter, right? We called them and they confirmed our unlimited plan and told us to take the above listed precautions to avoid any problems. So we looked into it and we don't have any viruses on our machines and our router is password protected. We'd done everything we could on our end and figured it would work itself out. Well Wednesday we got another email saying the same thing, only this time it said that if we don't adjust our internet usage to an appropriate level they will terminate our service. WHAT?! Adjust our usage? We have an UNLIMITED plan. And what exactly is an "appropriate" level? Here's a few screen shots of our usage since March.

Mar-Apr 255,409 MB used

Apr-May 179,682 MB used

May-June 144,408 MB

We are using much less now than we did when we first started using the service! But apparently that is soo much we are a problem to others. I find it hard to believe that one household's usage could be killing their systems. And even if that was the case and that user has an unlimited plan, it's not a user issue to fix. It's Clear's. Get more towers or better systems or whatever. Do not put some imaginary limit on the user that's paying for what they think is unlimited service! So, we did a little more research into this problem and apparently this happens to A LOT of their users. This is their scam. They get people in the door with an unlimited plan, everything is fine for a month or two, then they say you are using too much, bogging down their system and cut you off. What a joke! Luckily, we are not in contract with them. In some cases if you are in contract they penalize you for terminating it, even if they are the ones doing the terminating! UNBELIEVABLE! I hate this company! So now we must find a new ISP. Blahhh. So if anyone has some suggestions I'm open. I will not go with Comcast, their customer service is HORRID and Qwest is too expensive. Oh PS I posted this negative review using Clear's internet service. Bitches!!

Phone Photos

2011-05-20T20:43:00.000-06:00

If you've seen Goldmember you will know why this is so funny

I closed my finger in the car door. OUCH

Holli brought this back to me from Cali this trip.

I've wanted one of these fire fighter shirts forever.

I have a drinking problem.

Ooops..I forgot my blinker Mom...

The COOLEST thing I've ever seen

2011-05-03T19:12:00.000-06:00

1. Put on nailpolish and let it dry.
2. Dip fingernail in alcohol..basically, any will do, vodka is suggested.
3. Press a strip of newspaper big enough to cover the whole nail on your alcohol soaked nail.
4. Pull of slowly and be amazed!
5. Cover with top-coat if desired. Also, I found this here.

Cup

2011-05-01T18:40:00.000-06:00

I decided to upgrade from that one time I did this. This is my I'm-going-to-quit-drinking-soda-so-ill-put-water-in-a-cup-that-looks-like-a-soda-drink-cup-cup. Cute, huh!?

Bodies upon the gears

2011-04-16T13:23:00.000-06:00

"There's a time when the operation of the machine becomes so odious, makes you so sick at heart, that you can't take part; you can't even passively take part, and you've got to put your bodies upon the gears and upon the wheels, upon the levers, upon all the apparatus, and you've got to make it stop. And you've got to indicate to the people who run it, to the people who own it, that unless you're free, the machine will be prevented from working at all." -Mario Savio

Center For Change

2011-04-13T15:29:00.001-06:00

I've joined the ranks of the employed...again! YAY! *Queue choir angels* I accepted a receptionist position at the Center For Change. Center For Change is a treatment center focusing primarily on eating disorders but also treats substance abuse, major depression, trauma issues and sexual and physical abuse. They have been in business in since 1994.

I start on Thursday and I'm pretty excited. It will be good to get back into a routine and I'm excited to work somewhere that has the ability to really make a difference in a persons life. I desperately need to start making a dent on my debt that has accumulated. Ughh. That's a very overwhelming, but I have to start somewhere. So wish me luck and I'll do some posts along the way with updates on how it's going.

Crazy Stupid Love

2011-04-11T06:38:00.002-06:00

MMmmm Ryan Gosling. Can't wait.

Tonka inside Hello Kitty

2011-04-10T23:42:00.001-06:00

Which sounds dirty...but it isn't. I come out of my room a lot and find the Tonker wrapped up in Holli's (although he's secretly stolen it) Hello Kitty blanket and lounging comfortably on the couch. He's so cute. Random side note: as of yesterday morning my blog went over 50,000 page views. Go me go.

Everything Must Go

2011-04-07T11:23:00.000-06:00

I realllly want to see this! Everything Must Go releases May 13, 2011.

Best thing ever

2011-04-07T01:06:00.000-06:00

I've become a little obsessed with drinking Gatorade over soda and water lately. I'm not as tired when I drink it instead of water. Probably all the electrolytes. Anyway, I love these little mix with water yourself Gatorade powders! Each of these will make 8 32oz Gatorade's. They have 3 powdered flavors and you can get them at any grocery store in the Juice aisle.

Unbearable Lightness

2011-04-06T09:00:00.000-06:00

While I was in California in February I read Unbearable Lightness by Portia de Rossi. I really liked it. It's the memoir she wrote during her severe struggle with anorexia and bulimia. She discusses how her desire to be healthy and fit quickly became a full blown eating disorder and how she got down to a shocking 82lbs. She also describes what it was like being gay and working in Hollywood during a time when it wasn't opening accepted.

Overall I really enjoyed this book! It was a quick read at 272 pages and while I found a few grammatical errors (which drive me nuts) I enjoyed the content. You can purchase the book here through Amazon.

The Gargoyle

2011-04-05T18:34:00.000-06:00

*So this is a review I posted on a different blog I had about two years ago, but I got a request to do some book reviews (Hi Laci!!) so here's a repost (with some tweaks) until I put together one of a current book I've read.

My 2nd favorite book (after To Kill A Mockingbird by Harper Lee) is Andrew Davidson's, The Gargoyle. I really love this book! The Gargoyle would be a perfect airplane read. I can get completely engrossed in a book when I am on a plane. I think it's because I have absolutely no interest in talking with the strangers around me and do my best to tune them all out. But back to the book. The beginning is a little brutal. Not because it's boring or difficult to read, but because it's so descriptive you can almost feel the words. The first part describes a car crash that the narrator experiences and if you can make it through that you won't want to put it down. The remainder of the book is the narrators experience with burn recovery and addiction and a woman named Marianne, whom he meets in the hospital. Marianne is a psych patient that has been recently released and tries to convince the narrator they met and loved in a previous life. She is awesome. And crazy. I loved each of the stories Marianne told because they kept my attention. I couldn't wait to continue reading to hear the next part of each one. I also liked the way the narrator goes back and forth determining whether she is totally insane, or if they really happened. I love how they all tie in to one another, and in the end when he tells Marianne Engel he loves her. Aww. So sweet. Here's a excerpt from that part.

"...I spent my entire life waiting for you, Marianne, and I didn't even know it until you arrived. Being burned was the best thing that ever happened to me because it brought you. I wanted to die but you filled me with so much love that it overflowed and i couldn't help but love you back. It happened before I even knew it and now I cant imagine not loving you..."

I recommend reading this book if you are in the mood for a love story and can stand reading a little human suffering. Side note, I am not really familiar with writing book reviews, or any reviews for that matter so I apologize if this one kind of sucked. Maybe I'll improve in the upcoming attempts. Click here to see what I am currently reading.

Simplification

2011-04-04T23:59:00.000-06:00

Hi everyone! Lately, I have been thinking about condensing my life. Just getting rid of things I don't really need. A "Life Spring Cleaning" if you will. Anyway, I decided to start with my blog. I removed a few things that made it look cluttered, changed the color scheme, and made use of the "pages" feature to present a much cleaner, more simple site. I hope you like it. I you can't find something you use to like seeing on my blog just leave me a comment or send me an email and I'll see what I can do. Also, I'm going to try to do more book reviews here and add more recipes in the future. Anyway, wish me luck and everyone let me know what you think of the new design?!

In Person vs Phone Interviews

2011-03-31T22:42:00.000-06:00

My next post, In Person vs Phone Interviews, for The Career Effect is up! So if you've got a minute head over there and tell me what you think!

As far as jobs go, I had two interviews today that went well and I have one (almost) lined up for tomorrow as well! Just waiting to hear on the exact time. The two today were for local (Orem) companies, a receptionist position and an executive assistant at the other. To be honest, I wasn't super impressed with either, but I'd make the best of working at both if given the chance. I should hear back early next week about 2nd interviews. I am actually really excited about the interview tomorrow. I don't have any experience in this particular field, but it could be really cool! We'll see how it goes. Anyway, everyone check out my article!

Returning to an active routine

2011-03-29T00:52:00.000-06:00

So I am slowly trying to get my butt back into an active routine. On Sunday, my Dad took me to the tennis courts to play. I've never played tennis once in my life, but I have to say that I did surprisingly well. It was really fun actually and I am hoping to go again tomorrow if the weather permits. My arm/elbow are pretty sore today from swinging the racket, but otherwise no harm done. I love learning things from my Dad. He is an amazing athlete and teacher.

Today my Dad and I went to the Orem Rec Center for a work out. He started in the weight room and I immediately jumped on the treadmill. I knew I didn't want to push it too hard since it's been a year since I was working out on a regular basis so I started out just walking at a 2.5 pace and then increased it to about a 3.3. After my little warm up I decided I wasn't going to be able to run the full 30 mins so I decided to run (at a 4.4 speed) every other song. It worked out pretty well. I'd like to go 3-4 times a week so I can get back down to my normal size. Wish me luck!

Man Candy...Don't they make your Sunday better?

2011-03-27T19:32:00.000-06:00

Jon Hamm

Christian Bale

Dean Winters

Heath Ledger

Leonardo Dicaprio

Mark Wahlburg

Things that must go

2011-03-21T18:46:00.000-06:00

The word 'loaf'
The Netflix "Retrieving" screen
Couples who share a Facebook Page
Jimmer
Women who post about their time of the month on Facebook
Diuretics
My laptop scratching my arm
Running out of Coke and Dr Pepper
Saving Grace only having 3 seasons
Anyone that puts 'Mr. or Mrs.' in their pet's names (ie Mr. Tinker, Mrs Spottyboots)

I kinda want a Monroe...

2011-02-25T14:43:00.000-07:00

What do you guys think? Probably move it to the left a bit. Cute?

Obvious

2011-02-22T00:10:00.001-07:00

Blink 182 - Obvious

I saw you again
I think you used me again
Should we try this before
We give up and move on
And pretend to restore
What we have and hold on

At times like these
It's Obvious

I saw you again
I know you fucked him again
Can you comfort yourself
WITH the sense of revenge
Are you leaving me here
With the taste of the end,

At times like these
It's obvious (2x)

I saw you again and again and again
There's some room to move
On to move on to move on
And i saw you again and again and again
How do we fix this if we never had vision (repeated)

No sampling please

2011-02-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

Who exactly is sampling the dog treats at Winco? Sick dude.

Flowers...Again!

2011-02-15T15:47:00.000-07:00

Twice in one week! I can't believe it! Kelvin had flowers waiting for me when I got off the plane in Sacramento this morning and they are really cute! I love that kid so much!

Flowers

2011-02-14T16:47:00.000-07:00

Anonymous sent me some beautiful flowers today! I was so surprised when I saw them on the kitchen table this morning. At first I figured they were for Holli because she is a flower freak and I've never received flowers on Valentine's Day before. Then I looked at the card and saw my name! I really love them. The lemon in the bottom is so cool. I keep wanting to pull the flowers out to check out the lemon to see if it's real. Ha ha, I'm sure it is but I just have to know! Anyway, thank you who ever you are that sent them, they made my day.

I love my new $3.23 wallet

2011-02-13T22:13:00.000-07:00

Heartbroken

2011-02-11T02:34:00.000-07:00

I can't sleep because I can't stop crying. I took my Macbook Pro and external hard drive to Simple Mac yesterday to have a few things looked at. They plugged everything in and told me the external hard drive was empty. Which means all the photos, music, movies, tv shows, and files I moved from my Macbook Pro to the external hard drive were gone. They suggested I take it to a data recovery place and IF they can find anything it will cost $1000. I was heartbroken, but I thought well I still have a lot of things on my laptop. Simply Mac called me again today to come pick it up and they said that the logic drive is failing and it doesn't have much longer before it will die. To fix the drive will be $1050. Now, I'm out my laptop, which I love.

To say that I'm heartbroken would be an understatement. I am devastated. All my pictures, all my memories from the last six years are just gone. All the photos of when my family was last together and happy as a family are gone. All my baseball summers are gone. The pictures of when I bought the Jeep. The pictures I took the day I bought Tonka. They're all gone. I am so devastated. Like I've said, everything that is a piece of what defines me as a person gets taken away (my family, my tan, my Jeep, my figure, and now my Mac and my memories.......

Letters From Me

2011-02-09T15:25:00.001-07:00

Dear external hard drive,

You were purchased so I could move all my photos, music, movies, shows, and files to you and then delete them from my laptop, giving it more space. You failed, horribly. You, for some unknown reason, threw out all my data and are now empty. You broke my heart. SERIOUSLY. You made me cry at Simply Mac. I hate you and will probably pull an Office Space on your ass.

Sincerely,

Meagen

************************************

Dear Moms with 14 kids in line at the grocery store,

Please SHUT THEM UP! Your little brat screaming at the very top of her lungs is not cute in any way shape or form. Shut her up. I don't care how you do it, just do it.
Sincerely,

Deaf and frustrated, Meagen
************************************
Dear 65 year old senior citizen driver,

Please stop driving. I know you think you've still got it and everything will be fine, but it's really not. You drive 15 mph under the limit and you switch lanes like you're the only one on the road. Also, that little stick on the left side of the steering wheel is called a turn signal. USE IT.

Sincerely,

Meagen
************************************
Dear Target Pharmacy,
YOU SUCK.

Sincerely,
Meagen
************************************
Dear Dentist,

You are a gouger. You charge outrageous prices to do mean things to my teeth. $250 to pull a tooth is so freaking insane.

Sincerely,

Meagen
************************************

Toothache

2011-02-08T08:28:00.000-07:00

My tooth is killing me! Ughh. So about 8 months ago I had a crown fall off. It didn't break, it just fell off. I haven't had a lot of extra cash to make a dentist appointment so, I just kept my crown and have been going about my business. I do my best to not chew on that side of my mouth and my tooth (or lack there of) hasn't bothered me until the last few days, but this morning I woke up to it KILLING me. It seriously hurts so much! I feel like my tooth has a heart beat. I've been putting ice chunks in my mouth and letting them melt around my tooth just to see if that will calm it down. And I know it must be bad since I take Lortab around the clock for my back and it's still hurting even with that in my system. I guess I can't put off a dental appointment any longer. Boo.

The Career Effect

2011-02-01T12:08:00.000-07:00

I have a new opportunity that I'm pretty excited about guys! It's this new site called The Career Effect. It's a site for everything career related. People can discuss career transition, techniques for building the perfect resume or find potential jobs, etc. I'll be doing some blog posts there as things continue to move along in my own job search. If there is anything you want me to discuss there (or here on my personal blog) just let me know! Leave me a comment or shoot me a quick email (link at the left). I just put up my first post this morning so everyone go check out the site and tell me what you think!

Ice

2011-01-29T21:16:00.000-07:00

Here's a few pictures I took earlier this month of the ice in our backyard.

Sanctuary

2010-12-28T22:04:00.000-07:00

I went tanning tonight for the first time in probably 8 months. It was legendary! It was the best 9 minutes I've had in months. Tanning is my sanctuary. AH, I love it.

Playing in the Snow

2010-12-22T19:25:00.000-07:00

We got 8.5 inches of snow the last few days, most of it falling Monday night and Marley love love loves it! I played with him in it last night for about a half hour or so. He's getting pretty good at catching snowballs in his mouth if you throw them up in the air. Tonka struggles when there's that much snow on the ground...because his legs aren't that long. Mar usually has to run around and stomp it all down for a bit before Tonka can join in the fun. Here's a few pictures and a video of them in their winter gear playing in the snow.

Snow Gear

2010-12-20T22:48:00.000-07:00

Tonka is ready for the snow! I got a gift card (thank you!) to Walmart for Christmas so I used a bit of it to get the little monster a winter coat. I was worried he wouldn't like it since he tends to be anti-clothes, but I think since I don't have to put it over his head to get it on him he was okay with it. The hood is my favorite part. I love that it covers his belly, since that seems to be the part of him that gets the wettest when he plays in the snow.

Thoughts

2010-12-19T03:30:00.001-07:00

So I redesigned my blog, obviously. It was definitely time for an overhaul and I like the end result. It's been over a year since I've made any changes to it and I really like the new options Blogger has available.

I'm so ready for the holiday season to be over with. Seriously, I know that people around me just want to help, but they just don't understand how no Christmas is so much easier than attempting some broken resemblance of one. Call me Scrooge, but there are some things that a Christmas tree and lights just can't fix. Sorry to burst your little bubble but I just want January to get here as soon as possible.

I miss Madi, Brady, and Kelvin. I wish I could see them more often. Things don't seem so bad when I'm around Kelvin. And Madi makes me laugh like only my sisters can. They just understand things that no one else can.

I just caught up on all the new posts in my Google Reader and I've decided I can't read Nie Nie Dialogues anymore. I feel for her situation and I think it's remarkable the trials she has overcome but I can't handle seeing anymore naked pictures of her kids. I mean honestly, her one son is like 4 and is running around the house completely naked in angel wings? You can see his boy parts in one of the shots. Does anyone else find this seriously disturbing? And apparently he still takes baths in the kitchen sink. I don't have kids, but I think sink baths stop being appropriate when your kids start crawling.

I used to think that I'd never wish someone ill, but lately, I want to study voodoo just so I can curse a few people. I can't take much more of this "trial period" in my life. I just become more cynical and bitter with each passing day. Nothing seems to change despite the efforts I make. There's this saying 'What you do in life echoes in eternity'. Well, I sure as hell hope so. There are a few people I hope never out run the choices they've made.

I hate my hair. It's terribly ugly. It's like 3 different shades of blonde and it hasn't been cut in at least 8 months. I want to get it done so badly but there's always something that comes up with a higher priority. I avoid mirrors because I'm repulsed by what I see. My hair isn't blonde or maintained, I'm no longer tan, and my once cute curvy figure is nonexistent. I feel like I lose a little bit of myself with everything that is taken away; my family, my car, my movies, my independence. I know material things don't make a person, but it's still a part of who I thought I was. I don't know who I am anymore. I'm living, but I don't remember the last time I felt alive.

The Best Chili Ever - Crock Pot Pinto Bean Chili

2010-12-16T16:13:00.001-07:00

I've been craving homemade chili for a few days now. I've never tried to make any before so I looked up a few recipes online but I didn't find any that really jumped out at me so I decided to just wing it and hope for the best. I don't usually like to toot my own horn...but.. TOOT! TOOT! My chili came together just like I knew what I was doing! It's so yummy! So I thought I'd share my recipe with everyone. Enjoy!

4 C cooked pinto beans (I used dry beans and followed the directions on the bag)
1 lb ground beef, cooked (seasoned to taste with salt and pepper)
1 med onion, chopped
1 med green bell pepper, chopped
4 cloves fresh garlic, minced
4 8oz cans tomato paste
1 15oz can diced tomatoes
1 tbsp crushed red pepper
2 tsp sugar
1 tsp cumin
1 tsp oregano
1 tsp kosher salt
1/2 tsp black pepper
1/2 tsp paprika

In a large non stick pot saute onion in a few tablespoons of water until they start to brown. You may need to add a little more water during the process to keep them from burning. Add bell pepper and garlic. Cook until bell peppers soften. Add two cans of tomato paste, diced tomatoes, crushed red pepper, sugar, cumin, oregano, kosher salt, black pepper, and paprika. Fold in beef and pinto beans. Add remaining cans of tomato paste until desired liquidity is achieved. Once everything is mixed together, put chili into a crock pot and simmer on low heat for 1-2 hours. Serve with shredded cheese and sour cream. Enjoy!

Look familiar?

2010-11-30T22:18:00.000-07:00

Thankful

2010-11-25T15:18:00.003-07:00

Here's a few things I am grateful for-

Family, new and old

My small health miracle

My dogs, Tonka and Marley for making me feel safe

A few thoughtful and giving neighbors

TV on DVD

A car that runs in the snow

My laptop

Authors and books- I'm back into reading again

Holli and Madi - They are my sanity. I wish they knew how much they mean to me

14 days and counting

2010-11-21T08:43:00.010-07:00

Guys. I don't even know if I want to post this for fear that I will jinx it. But it's so freaking exciting (mostly just for me) I have to. Are you ready for it? Drum roll please.................... For two whole weeks now I have had zero fluid in my ears!! ZERO! There's no pressure or pain in my head and I can hear again! My ears are NORMAL. NORMAL!!! For two years (You can relive the saga here) I have dealt with this freaking fluid in my ears and head and sinuses and it is finally gone. Finally. Can you guys even believe it? I don't know who pulled their strings with the health gods, but THANK YOU! I will forever be in your debt. Seriously.

Sisterly Advice

2010-11-16T09:00:00.000-07:00

Me: I want to date a cowboy. I've decided that i am not going to look for a good guy or THE guy anymore. Just types of men I want to date I.E. a cowboy, a marine, etc.
Madi: Oooh I like it
Me: I know right? I mean I've dated the baseball boys and a fireman already
Madi: Ew. Go for nerds. They are the best
Me: hahaha
Madi: Seriously. Do you think I'm kidding
Me: No I don't hahaha that's why it's so funny
Madi: You don't know what it is like to always have a nice computer. Never have a broken 
phone, computer, anything again. It's wonderful. Go for the computer nerd! Only way to go!
Me: Hahaha
Madi: It's genius advice. It's tricky to find a cute one though. They are out there. Keep the faith. Start playing video games....seriously....boys will be lined up around the block....don't play Halo though. That's totally gay. Play real games like Gears of War.
Me: HAHAHAHHAHA!

Madi: I'm not joking about playing Halo, no one wants another "Halo Girl" VOMIT. We need more Gear girls wahooo!

All Time Favorite Movies

2010-11-15T21:06:00.000-07:00

I want to move far far away...

2010-10-30T00:01:00.000-06:00

I want to leave Utah, permanently. Today I drove my Dad to an appointment in Salt Lake and as we drove home I got a different feeling about my surroundings. Aside from the weather I've always enjoyed living in Utah. My immediate family was here, my circle of friends, and I had a great job. In the past I have thought about what it would be like to live in another state, but I never really had anything pushing me to go. Whenever I would get the urge to branch out of the Utah County bubble I knew I had the option of moving north to Salt Lake for more culture and a different set of people. But the idea of Salt Lake isn't enough anymore.

I hate Utah. I think it's awful. For starters, I LOATHE the weather. We used to have four distinct seasons: spring, summer, fall, winter. But in recent years we've had cold more than half the year. Spring consists of a few warm days and then bam! it's 95 degrees for three months and then it's back to freezing my ass off. I'm not into skiing or snowboarding so winter sports are not a draw for me.

Next, I don't like a lot of the people here. Say what you want, but the people of Utah are SO judgemental. I have a theory, and it involves the predominate religion so I won't go into it but I wish people could just be more accepting of others.

I am unemployed and have been for some time now. I have been looking for a job, any job for 6 months. And let's not forget the 6 months I looked for work after things ended with Doba. It is an employers market, and while I have a lot of experience and I am a great worker, there are so many people looking for work. It's just been a struggle for a year now and I just want a new landscape with different companies and more opportunities.

I have slim to none friends here anymore. Anyone I considered a friend once has now gotten married and are starting families. And that is wonderful, but it's hard to keep a friendship strong when you are at totally different stages in life. I need a new circle.

You know the saying 'wherever you go, there you are'? Well I'd like a chance to prove that saying wrong. My past/current situation seems to follow me here no matter where I go. I'm at the doctor and I get asked about my Mom. I go to the grocery store and the checkers ask about my Dad or my sister. I go on job interviews and they know my former co-workers or bosses and they want to know why I would EVER quit working for them. Gahg. If only I could say the things I really want to say. Whatever. I just want to go someplace where no one knows me or my situation. I want a clean slate.

Lastly, I am pretty well finished with the church. The church was once a thing that kept me near Utah as I thought it was something I always wanted to have in my life. I also had this notion that my odds in finding "the one," the guy I'm supposed to build a life with were higher if I stayed in a place that was filled with men of the LDS faith. Well, I don't believe those things anymore. I don't believe in "the one". I believe that we chose who we want to mold ourselves to in order to build a life together. Someone wasn't made for us. A person can make life work with more than just one person. And as for the church, if at some point I decide to participate and incorporate it back into my life I don't have to be in Utah for that.

I'm not sure where I will end up yet and it won't happen for a while, but I do know one thing for certain, I want out of Utah. There's just nothing left here for me.

Vampire Movie Marathon

2010-10-29T13:54:00.000-06:00

In honor of Halloween I am having a Vampire Movie Marathon today! I'm going to watch the Twilight, Blade, and Underworld series. Yay! Happy Halloween!

Book Worm

2010-10-28T08:00:00.001-06:00

I'm back in the reading mood again and I love feeling this way. Maybe it's the finter weather (fall-winter get it? ha ha) making me want to curl up in bed or on the couch with Tonka, chai tea and a good book. Anyway, I've got my next few books already picked out but after that I am open to suggestions! So if you know of a book you think I'd enjoy leave me a comment and I'll check it out.

Currently, I am reading The Girl Who Played With Fire by Stieg Larsson. I loved the first one and finished it in about six days. So I was pretty excited to find the second book in the series for only $10 at Borders while in California last week.

Next on my list is to finish Catching Fire by Suzanne Collins. I've got maybe 150 pages to go. I've enjoyed the Hunger Games Series. They are entertaining and simple to read. I haven't heard many good things about the 3rd book, Mockingjay, but I plan to read it at some point as well.

Once Catching Fire is finished I plan to read Into The Wild by Jon Krakauer. I've wanted to read it for a while but never think about it when I go to the book store. Turns out Holli has a copy and now it's waiting for me on my nightstand.

So, like I said after these are finished I am ready for suggestions, just leave me a comment. Also, I have been using the site Goodreads for about a year now and I really love it. If you are a big reader I highly recommend signing up. It tracks all the books you've read, plan to read, etc. You can read and write book reviews and participate in group discussions.

California Pictures

2010-10-27T10:00:00.000-06:00

Here are the pictures I promised and a few more from the last Cali trip. It was a really great trip and I can't wait for the next one!

Holli, Me, Brady, Madi, and KK at the

Step Up for Down Syndrome Walk in Sacramento

Dog with dreads

Me and Holli

Holli on the top bunk of our sleeper car on the train

Me on the bottom bunk

Kelvin in the balls at school

Blue Valentine

2010-10-26T19:36:00.005-06:00

I love Ryan Gossling and can't wait to see Blue Valentine The Movie.

KK and Step Up for Down Syndrome

2010-10-24T23:28:00.000-06:00

I love my nephew Kelvin Kyler Love!! YAY! He's pretty much the cutest thing to ever walk the earth! Except he's not walking yet ha ha. Anyway, made another last minute trip to California and I got to spend a few days with him. He is just the happiest little guy, I love it! We got to participate in the Step Up for Down Syndrome walk in Sacramento and it was really fun, this is where I took this picure. Also at the walk I got registered on the Bone Marrow Donor list, which is cool. So if you need some marrow maybe you can have mine! AND I saw a dog with honest to god dreadlocks. I took pictures of him/her/it but they are on my camera and I forgot the cord so I'll add them later. Needless to say, this dog was awesome! I miss my dog and I can't wait to get home and see the Tonka-monster!

WORD

2010-10-23T20:28:00.000-06:00

CLICK HERE

26 @ 26 Project

2010-09-22T04:41:00.001-06:00

I saw this done on another blog I follow from time to time and I thought it would be fun to have a few simple goals to accomplish while I'm twenty-six. I'll do my best to take photographs or keep some memorabilia from each goal then use them to create the 26@26 mini-book. If I like how the year goes I may continue the tradition each year starting on my birthday.

8 Meals for $75

2010-09-18T15:24:00.000-06:00

So it's kind of hard to cook at casa de Ridley because we don't eat a lot and someone is always sick, and there's only three of us and blah blah blah. Anyway Holli and I were tired of eating sandwiches and pop tarts so we decided to make a bunch of meals that we could freeze and then heat up when we wanted a bigger meal. So we made a list and went to Winco. We spent $75 and now we've got 8 meals and a batch of fruit salad and potato salad. I made one broccoli chicken casserole, two tater tot casseroles, 1 batch of chicken enchiladas and 1 batch of beef enchiladas. I also made 2 batches of chicken pineapple pitas. I also set aside enough meat to make some spaghetti! The best part is that we put everything into sizes that won't go to waste. I hate cooking a lasagna and 1/2 of it sits in the fridge for a week then eventually gets thrown out. So we got a few disposable foil containers that are the perfect size for 3 people and voila! Good meals in good sizes for a while. Go me go.

Bad Boys II

2010-09-12T11:36:00.002-06:00

This is one of my favorite scenes from any movie ever. And I just found out they are making a Bad Boys 3. YAY! Also, if language offends you don't watch this or learn to like it.

Facebook Favorite

2010-09-06T12:40:00.002-06:00

Comments

2010-09-04T19:27:00.003-06:00

Is the Comments Form on my posts broken? Or does no one have anything to say? I used to get 2-3+ comments from various people on each post regardless of the content. But now the last two months or so I am lucky to get 1 comment if that. Just wondering if the process is broken, my content sucks, or no one cares to comment anymore?

Private

2010-08-31T21:29:00.002-06:00

I'm toying with the possibility of making my blog private within the next couple of weeks. Get me your email address one way or another if you'd like access. Thanks, Management.

Brain Dump

2010-08-30T00:58:00.003-06:00

I'm bored, like really bored. I've cleaned and vacuumed my bedroom, the TV room, the living room, and the kitchen (twice). I also cleaned my sister's room while she took a bath. I've done 4 loads of laundry with 2 more in the shoot. I took the meat down for dinner tomorrow. I've walked both the dogs, three days in a row. I gave myself a pedicure. I've watched more movies and TV shows than I could ever dream of wanting to watch. I've started my favorite book for the 3rd time.

Without my Ambien I sleep every other night. This is my non sleep night and I have nothing to do. I started a "sleep journal" actually it's more like a "lack of sleep journal". Tonka doesn't sleep with my anymore. He sleeps on a pillow in the living room until about 3AM when he gets so cold he wanders into my bed looking for warmth under the covers.

The Jinx Factor

2010-08-28T14:50:00.003-06:00

I had a job interview this week at a really cool company that I thought went fantastic. Unfortunately I wasn't offered the position. (I'd link to the company, but since they didn't think I was a good fit I don't really care to give their site any traffic muahaha!) I was/am really bummed about it. I really wanted to work there; it has so much potential for growth and I know I could have made huge contributions. At first I was really pissed, but at the end of the day it's just one more thing to chalk up to my 'Jinx Factor'.

I feel like I jinx myself all the time. I get excited about something and so naturally I want to share my excitement. I spill the beans with someone and inevitably this is a sign to the universe that it should shit all over my happiness and put an immediate halt to it. This doesn't apply only to potential employment opportunities either it happens with guys all the time. I start dating someone and things start to progress, I get excited and happy and share what's going on with my sister or whomever and within a few days said guy will disappear without explanation and I'm left with inquiries of the status of my once budding relationship. It happens every time without fail. You'd think that by now I would just keep my mouth shut and just maybe something would work out in my favor, but apparently I haven't learned my lesson quite yet.

The Jinx factor goes along the same lines as the 'Date-me-in-order-to-find-who-you-really-want routine'. I cannot even count how many times I have dated a guy for a few months only to realize they don't want any sort of commitment, things fizzle out between us and then I get the lovely piece of mail 4-6 months later announcing their engagement to the girl they dated after me. Seriously?

I am so tired of life. I have lost all belief in human decency, family, loyalty, and love. I am so tired of trying to keep faith in things that just aren't there. Or maybe I'm just an insomniac and can't think clearly anymore. I've been trying to do productive things during the night when I should be sleeping instead of watching TV shows and movies. I've been knitting and coloring (really productive I know) and at 5AM this morning I decided to rearrange my bedroom. Here's some pictures of the final results. I think it's kinda cute and I like that I have some where to put on my make up now instead of sitting on the floor. :)

8 Mile - Final Battle

2010-08-17T00:09:00.003-06:00

This video quality is sucky, but I could not love this more.

Love and Other Drugs

2010-08-16T23:38:00.004-06:00

YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!!!!!!

Operation: Oasis

2010-07-28T04:22:00.001-06:00

I'm sure most of you know that my home/family situation has recently become far less than ideal. It's been rough. When your parents divorce it is hard no matter your age or where you may be in life. I guess I always thought my parents would go the distance, but through this I have come to realize that my mother and father are not invincible. They are simply people that make choices and mistakes and they have to do what they have to in order to hold on to happiness. They will always be Mom and Dad even if they aren't under the same roof or even in the same time zone. And at the end of the day I truly want each of them to be healthy, whole, happy individuals.

I have felt a tidal wave of emotions through all of this. Shock, disbelief/denial, anger, sadness, confusion, shame, embarrassment, hatred, and abandonment. Most emotions change from day to day, sometimes minute to minute; but the one that seems to stay fairly constant is the loneliness. I am so very lonely. I know I have claimed to be so in the past but I always had my family and our home to come back to and escape whatever was bothering me at the time. I don't really have that anymore. My family will always be my family but things are different now. It's each man for himself and everyone seems to have conditions. I can't talk to this one about that one or talking about this subject makes that one upset. It's so exhausting. I wish I had someone that was just on my side. Someone fairly neutral, if that makes sense. When I go to the doctor I get asked how my Mom is doing in California or while at the grocery store I am asked if my Dad is seeing anyone now. I hear whispers at the ball park. Even the few times I've attempted to have a social life my dates ask me to confirm rumors that are going through the neighborhood. I understand people have questions but no one ever seems to ask how I'm doing. I guess that is selfish to some extent but it gets so exhausting. I just want to move forward and the constant reminders make that somewhat difficult.

Last night I decided I need to throw myself into something. What I really need is a job that I could focus on. I am sending out resumes every single day but not getting a lot of responses. It's very frustrating. I figured finding employment this time around would be a little easier because my salary requirements aren't even a fraction of what they used to be now that I share living expenses with two other people. But I'm thinking most employers view me as over qualified for the positions available. Hopefully I find something soon.

So in lieu of running away to another state or country to start my life over completely I decided to reconstruct my craft room. I need to do things I enjoy again, things I'm good at. I want to be able to say I did something productive when people ask me what I did that day and not just I watched another season of Sopranos. UGH. I want to get back into creativity. I want to start book binding again. I am going to teach myself how to knit for real this time. I have so many supplies that I want to use. I need my craft room to be an oasis from all the ugliness that is life. If I ever start working again I'll paint and make it super cute, but for now it is really basic. I have a desk for my sewing machine (which I cannot find, eek!) and I set up my glass L shape desk for book binding. I found all of this cool pre-bound paper in the garage that I want to try to use for the text blocks in books. My printer is ready to go and I just need to move my iMac upstairs and hook them up. I have a few projects in mind (I have lots of jeans I am going to try to sell online) but I think I will probably attempt the knitting first. I sort of learned how to do it a few months ago but shortly after I got pretty sick and then I didn't keep doing it so I forgot. I hope I can pick it up again quickly. Anyway, I took some pictures of my little spot and I'll add them to this post once I get everything finished and vacuum the floor!

Closet Drama

2010-07-28T02:47:00.000-06:00

So about a week after I moved home I'm was sleeping soundly (RARE occurrence) at 2AM and KABOOM! My closet pooped it's pants! There were so many clothes on the bar that it ripped the post out of the wall and all my clothes and the shelf came tumbling to the floor. Shit. I wasn't in too big of a hurry to fix the shelf and rehang everything because I pretty much just wear chill clothes lately. Anyway, two months goes by and all my shit is still on the floor. But my Dad and I finally fixed it last night. I hope it holds up because I really don't want to wash and rehang everything again. Isn't it so pretty and organized again!? It's almost calming. Yes, I'm a freak. Learn to like it.

Lazy Days of Summer

2010-07-27T16:48:00.004-06:00

Tonka seems to be picking up on a few of Marley's habits. Marley is such a trooper. Tonka torments him ALL DAY LONG and Marley just ignores him. One day Tonk is going to get his ass kicked and I hope I'm there to see it because he totally deserves it. Ha ha! Tonka needs some tough love discipline.

Don't mind the winter boot we keep by the door to

keep it propped open for the dogs. Lol, yes, we are that lazy.

True that girl.

2010-07-27T01:57:00.003-06:00

California Trip

2010-07-25T19:00:00.000-06:00

I ran away from Utah for about two weeks and it was a very much needed trip. I rode Amtrak from Provo to Roseville and it was awesome. The train is huge! The seats are enormous and recline all the way back, it was nice and cool, quiet, and there are outlets to plug in all my shit. So I watched Sopranos for a few hours and then took two Ambien and slept really well and when I woke up I was there! AND I got to cross it off on my Things to Do Before I Die list - which is cool since I haven't been able to do that in a while.

So I went to Cali and stayed with my Mom. We laid by the pool and relaxed. She took me to a few cool stores and we went to the Galleria Mall for a few hours. I also got a tour of a local firehouse from my Mom's friend. It was really cool to see the ins and outs there. I had two dinners at my Grandparents and we figured out I haven't been there in 13 years. We went fishing/boating one morning and I made friends with this little duck. I fed him a few rolls and he'd just follow us around.

I also got to spend some time with Madi, Brady, and my nephew Kelvin. I loved seeing them! Kelvin has grown so much since I last saw him. He is just the sweetest little boy, I wanted to bring him home with me! Kelvin sat in my sleeping spot with me for like 3 hours one day, just hanging out watching United States of Tara. Seriously, he's the coolest kid EVER. I mean really, look at that face.

The last night I was there we went to the theater and saw Iron Man 2. I really liked it! Except I think something was wrong with their AC because I was melting in the theater. Ugh. After the show we went to eat at the Elephant Bar. It was pretty good, I've never been there and their menu is huge!

The train ride back was not as enjoyable as getting there. We were stopped outside of Elko, NV for almost 3 hours and that made me arrive into Provo almost 6 hours later than anticipated. It made for a very, very long ride. Luckily I had some shows (Sopranos, Grey's, Breaking Bad) and a good book to keep me occupied. I hope to make it back out to California soon. Maybe in the fall for my birthday! YAY!

Doo Bee Doo Bee Doooo

2010-07-13T21:17:00.003-06:00

I haven't blogged in a while, sorry about that. Actually, I am not sorry, it's my blog, learn to like it. Let's see I moved home, Tonka and Marley are BFF's, I'm on vaca in Cali which is weird and good, I am from the desert and I don't do humidity well, I'd Van Gogh my ears if I could, and now I'm waiting for Tommy Gavin to come on and it's taking foreverrrr. Sorry I don't have anything more exciting to report.

Yard Sale

2010-06-23T22:57:00.007-06:00

We're having a yard sale this Friday (25th) and Saturday (26th) from 7AM-1PM in Orem! I'm selling all the stuff I've used to furnish my apartment the last 5 years. I've got a couch, beds, papasan chair, tvs, toaster ovens, dinnerware, kitchen utensils, mixing bowls, clothes, rugs, books, decorative odds and ends! If you've seen anything in pictures I've posted on my blog over the last 3-ish years, chances are I'm selling it! So come buy it!

Text, call, email (link on right), FB message, me and I'll give you the address! Hope to see everyone Friday or Saturday!

Tonka & Marley Playing in the Backyard

2010-06-09T20:41:00.004-06:00

I almost don't believe it myself, but they are having so much fun with each other! Makes me so happy to see them playing. There was a minor mishap last night. We aren't really sure what happened exactly, but they were playing in the living room upstairs, there was a big thud, and then Tonka came running down the stairs whimpering so I think that means Marley won. Ha ha, not that it was ever a competition though, he's got more than 60lbs on Tonka.

Alert the media!!! YAY!!!

2010-06-07T07:10:00.004-06:00

Marley and Tonka are finally friends!! It only took about a week but now they are running around like they've always been BFF's!!! I took them in the backyard early this morning and threw some balls and toys and they had a blast! This makes me sooo happy. My only regret is that we didn't just make it work a year ago when I wanted to move home to put some money away. Oh well though.

Bedroom

2010-06-05T11:09:00.004-06:00

Tonka and I moved home last week and I finally got my room all put together. I really love it.

Shelf above my bed

Dresser

Tonka's bowls

Bed

Closets

Hell Yeah!

2010-05-27T23:37:00.002-06:00

My hips hurt

2010-05-19T22:04:00.004-06:00

Actually, hurt is an understatement. It's almost unbearable. I don't know the exact number, but I know for certain I have had more than 25 injections of Phenergan/Promethezine in my hips over the last 4 weeks. As a result, I am not nauseous, but I absolutely can not touch my hips or lay on either side. My hips are red, bruised, and extremely swollen. They hurt so badly I am wondering if there is infection or something? I don't know. My Dad administered most of them and he's been giving injections to my Mom for over 10 years, so I know we did them all correctly. We followed all the precautionary steps, everything was always sterile and clean, but there is risk of infection with any injection you get. I'm going to be brave and post these pictures of them. Anyway, I'll probably end up at the doctor again tomorrow if they still hurt this badly. Boo.

Comfort and Loneliness

2010-05-18T21:59:00.001-06:00

Author's note: I know this post is a little 'after school special' and epically long but deal with it. :)

Have you ever craved to be touched by another person? Not like you're hungry for some sweet lovin and need to get laid (although that'd be nice too he he). I mean you just want to be touched or held or just be close enough to a man (or woman) that you can hear their heart beat. I do a lot lately. And I just got this incredible wave of loneliness come over me. It's a terrible feeling. I just feel so empty. And while I'm really happy and content like I mentioned in this post, I'm really craving to be cuddled up on the couch and to have someone else's hand in mine. Is it possible to be happy and content but lonely at the same time? Does one cross out the other? The last time I cuddled with someone it didn't mean anything to him; nor did it mean anything to me with the guy before that or the guy before that. In fact, I can't remember the last time I cuddled with a guy and it was mutually meaningful. That is so terribly sad.

Sometimes I wish intimacy was the way it was in high school. Cuddling with someone was a big deal, it was always so sweet and exciting. I could feel the guy's heart beating when I'd lay my hand or my head on his chest. Cuddling now just doesn't mean what it did then. Kisses have similarly lost their eminence. 'So did you guys kiss?' was always the first question asked by girlfriends after arriving home from a date and I'd get butterflies in my stomach. I feel like as you get older the little pieces of dating lose some of their za za zoom. Or maybe it's a choice? Can you chose to allow yourself to get the dating butterflies and the blushing cheeks after you've been in the dating game for 10+ years? Or do you think that the failures of previous relationships cause you to build walls and not allow for the za za zoom-iness to take over?

It's interesting to me how comforting a simple touch can be. A few weeks ago I was having a really hard time. It was around this time that I found out about the abnormal cells in the mole I had removed. I was terrified. I had convinced myself I had skin cancer and with the location of the mole I was sure it had spread to all my important baby making parts and I wouldn't be able to have children. My mind was on repeat of the worst possible scenario. I was really freaking out about the entire thing. Obviously, I know I was blowing everything way out of proportion, but those were just the thoughts running through my head for days and days. My Mom ended up staying with me at my place for a few nights just so I wouldn't be alone. Having her there was such a blessing. She was my sounding board to all of the awful thoughts running the mind marathon of 2010 in my brain. She was so comforting. It's a Mom thing I think. I just felt better knowing she was right there with me. When I lost my job at SOS last week I immediately called my Mom and she was at my apartment within just a few minutes. When she got there she gave me a great big hug, we sat down and I laid my head on her leg and just cried. She didn't have to say anything. Just having her hand on my shoulder while I cried in her lap curbed the pain, loneliness, and frustration I was experiencing at that time.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that while I've felt a lot of loneliness over the last year I have always been surrounded by a wonderful system of support, comfort, and love from both family and friends. I need to do better job of remembering they are there for me and utilizing them instead of burying all my frustrations inside myself. Moving forward I hope that I can be part of the support system for others.

Potato Salad and Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

2010-05-18T15:00:00.000-06:00

I've been living at my parents house for the last week doing the Home Health Care IV treatments. I am really starting to feel better. It's amazing how crappy you can feel when you get dehydrated. Anyway, I am getting really bored here. I have been in bed for going on 5 weeks now. I have watched all the TV and movies I care to. I have caught up on all my regular TV shows (Grey's Anatomy, Private Practice and Saving Grace). And I found a couple new ones along the way (Nurse Jackie, Bones, Extreme Makeover Home Edition, Intervention, Inked, and LA Ink). But now I am just bored. So I decided to make Potato Salad, twice. For my fabulous Potato Salad recipe visit my food blog here.

Finished!

I typed the potato salad portion of this post two nights ago and never got around to publishing it. So tonight I was bored again and make Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk cookies. They are delish!

Peanut Butter Chocolate Chunk Cookies

1/2 c sugar

1/2 c packed brown sugar

1/2 c butter, room temperature

1/2 c peanut butter

1 egg

1 1/4 c flour

3/4 tsp baking soda

1/2 tsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

4 oz sweet chocolate, chunked

Directions: Cream the butter for 2 minutes. Add the sugars, cream for 2 more minutes. Mix in the peanut butter and egg. Mix together the dry ingredients - flour, baking soda, baking powder, and salt. Stir into the butter mixture. Add chocolate chunks.

Preheat oven to 375ºF. Shape dough into 1 1/4 inch balls. Place about 3 inches apart on ungreased cookie sheet. Flatten in crisscross pattern with a fork. Bake until light brown, 9 to 10 minutes. Cool on baking sheets for a minute; transfer to rack to cool completely. Makes about 2 dozen cookies. For chewier cookies, bake at 300º for 15 minutes.

Downer Debbie: AKA Me

2010-05-17T19:17:00.002-06:00

The last two years of life have been rough for me. I know it and you know it, because I've blogged about it almost every step of the way. There were many contributing factors to my negative outlook: my health deteriorated, once I got something fixed and feeling better something else would start to bother me. I put a lot of effort into relationships that ultimately fell apart. I lost a job of 4 years on my 25th birthday. We didn't celebrate Thanksgiving or Christmas. My finances went from being on track to complete and utter chaos. I spent 4 months unemployed and found another job only to lose it 3 months later. Throughout this time I knew that I was becoming more withdrawn. I started to avoid everyday things like checking my voicemail or the mail box, because I knew it was only bills or collectors seeking payment that I couldn't give. I began losing interest in things I once enjoyed and more often than not I saw the negative aspect in everything. I had lost all of the joy in my life. I knew I was in an unhappy place, but I never really considered myself depressed.

Clinical depression is defined as: a depression so severe as to be considered abnormal, either because of no obvious environmental causes, or because the reaction to unfortunate life circumstances is more intense or prolonged than would generally be expected.

I started experiencing panic/anxiety attacks towards the end of January when I started my new job. Most times they would happen when I was in the car. I commuted 40 miles to and from the office and I tend to get my best thinking done in the car. So I would drive and think about all of the problems on my plate and I would just get so overwhelmed. My heart rate would increase, I would start to sweat, it became difficult to breathe, tears would run down my cheeks, and I'd end up pulling the car over until I could gain control. I went to the doctor and he suggested I talk with the psychiatrist on their staff to help me gain some perspective on my situation and to learn some coping techniques. I reluctantly agreed and made an appointment.

To be honest I thought it was a waste of time. I have always been a "solve your own problems" kind of girl. I'm a reserved person so the idea of paying someone to discussing my inner most thoughts with me just seems so vain. But I went and we discussed the things I am struggling with in life and how to cope with them. I left the appointment feeling like the doctor just confirmed everything I already knew about myself, which wasn't all that helpful really. But I decided that if I didn't want to continuing feeling so down and confused I should try to follow through with the treatment. The soonest I could start on a regular weekly appointment was 3 weeks out. The therapist suggested I start on an anti-depressant. So I went to my primary care doctor a few days later and he wrote me a prescription for Lexapro. I ended up having a reaction to that and so I couldn't take it anymore. You can read about that experience here. We changed the Lexapro to Prozac and I didn't have any reactions to it.

Prozac takes approximately 5 weeks to absorb in your system to fully take effect. Well it has definitely kicked in and I am so pleased with the way I am feeling. It is incredible to wake up in the morning and not feel like "ughhh ANOTHER day". I'm content again and looking forward to the future. I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and I feel like it's easier to express myself.

My question is, if this new found happiness is based on a medication, is it real? How does everyone feel about anti-depressant medications? For me, I think the medication has been a blessing. Being depressed can be debilitating. There were days when I just couldn't get out of bed. Literally. Everything is exhausting and you have absolutely no joy. But now I wake up excited for the day and I feel like I can handle the problems in front of me, instead of avoiding them. I am excited to move and I am excited for the job search ahead of me. I want to get back into a healthy routine. I am happy to have the weight of depression off my shoulders so I can get back into a more normal cycle.

Home Health IV Program

2010-05-17T01:21:00.001-06:00

So I haven't been able to keep food in me for over a month now. I either throw it up or it goes the other way about 15 minutes after I eat. My stomach cramps up and I am really nauseous and I am very dehydrated. So my doctor put me on the Home Health IV Program. Basically, I am on fluids and IV medications at home to keep me from dehydrating. Nurses come out and check my vitals and change the IVs when needed and draw blood. They will also administer the Phenergan shots in my hips so my Dad doesn't have to. So I have an IV in and I have just been crashing at my parents house this last week. I'm staying at my parents because we are thinking it could be something in my apartment making me sick. Sounds crazy, but we are having it tested for everything: mold, bugs, meth, drugs, etc...

Anyway, the anti-nausea medicine has to be administered in my hips. I am getting them every 6 hours. Needless to say, my hips are just knots. They are so tender, I can't really lay on my sides. But this being my 2nd round of treatment on the Home Health IVs I've figured out a few things.

This is my IV Pole - I call him Pete

Pete takes up a lot of space so sometimes I don't want to have to drag him everywhere I go around the house, especially in the bathroom, so I just hang the bag on the shower curtain loopy holder

This time around I have had to have a new IV put in 4 different times. They just get bumped and tugged on and then they won't drip properly, so we tape it down best we can like this:

And then I cut the top off a tube sock and make a little sleeve with a slit for my thumb. It's a pretty good system.

I was supposed to be on the IVs for 5 days, which means they should come out tomorrow night. I am feeling a lot better. I haven't thrown up and food is staying in me a lot longer. Hopefully I can be discharged tomorrow or Tuesday. I've got lots of packing and organizing to do for Operation: New Home! Have a great week everyone!

Operation: New Home

2010-05-16T01:10:00.002-06:00

I've been doing a little online window shopping for things I want/need for my new place. Most are from Ikea, a few from Pottery Barn. I'm sure I'll wander through Target and find some cool stuff too. I may even go yard-selling with my Mom next weekend! YAY! I know you are super stoked Momdawg! I want to run to DI and see if I can find any little tables or shelves that I could refinish. I'm not working right now so I have time to do some projects.

Anywhere, here's a few things that I think would go beautifully in my new place!

I'm so zen right now

2010-05-15T00:43:00.000-06:00

I woke up this morning with an odd sense of content; I'm not really sure how to explain it. I just had this feeling that things are in the correct place. Like I am where I'm supposed to be and my short term future plans are exactly what I should be doing. I've been on a path filled with negativity and "dooms day" feelings for months. MONTHS. But today, I woke up and things weren't so bad. I started taking an anti-depressant about 5 weeks ago and I'm thinking it's starting to take effect. And if the meds are what have given me this sense of peace then I'm very pleased.

I'm trying to see the big picture and I am noticing the blessings in my life again. First and foremost I am so very grateful for my family. They are my rock, my best friends, I can talk to my Dad, my Mom, Holli, and Madi about anything. I love each of them so very much.

I am so grateful for my Mom. I have been pretty ill for the last month and she has taken such good care of me - driving me to doctors appointments, staying at my place so I'm not alone and sick, 6 hour ER visits, picking up prescriptions, DEEP cleaning my apartment and taking care of Tonka while I'm on the IV therapy program at home-home. Thanks Mom.

My Dad has been wonderful at checking to see if I need anything, he's brought me meals, and giving me my shots of phenergan medicine every 6 hours. And he took me to the ER for another 4 hour visit. Thanks Dad.

Holli is my BFF! I can tell her anything. I am grateful for her comfort and that she has experienced the IV Home Health programs so whenever I have questions she usually knows the answers. And she brings me Sprites and the 2nd season of Bones. And she's just my bestie! Thanks Hoe.

Even though Madi is miles away she has IM'd me numerous times just to talk and that helps. I can talk to her about some of the thoughts and feelings associated with depression because she experienced it early on in her life. Thanks Moe.

And I can't forget Tonka. I know he is only a dog, but he is seriously my best little buddy. Even though he is only roughly 20lbs I feel safe with him. He protects me. He is really starting to follow commands, he knows when the doors aren't locked and will lay by my side all day if I am not feeling well. Tonka just knows things and he's turned into a really great dog and companion. I can't imagine life without him and I love him so much!

I'm very grateful for my friends as well. Even though I don't actually see most of them in person much anymore (and some I've never even met in person all) I really appreciate all of the Facebook messages, posts, emails and text messages of encouragement and love. Thank you Mark, Sunni, and Mike - Each of you hold a special place in my heart. And thank you Laci, Adam, and John for the wonderful comments on my blog posts. I always feel special when someone takes the time to not only read my blog post, but then takes the extra step to comment. I need to make more of an effort to comment on others blogs.

I'm not sure how to put this in words, especially with all of the "God hates me" type feelings and thoughts I've expressed over the last 9ish months, but I am learning to be grateful for my trials. They are hard and often times I feel like I am walking through life blindfolded but I am learning again that everything happens for a reason and if I change my attitude I will see what I need to do to move forward in the right direction. For example, when I read Ari's blog post about the available apartment she and her husband have to rent I got this warm feeling and I just knew it was something I needed to look into. I did, fell in love with the space, and I'm moving in June 1st. I am SO excited to move. I feel like there is such a happy spirit in their home and my new place in their basement. I am very grateful for this new opportunity. I have had so many rough times in my current apartment that I think it will be good for me to start in a new place and do my best to make happier memories.

I am making an effort to sort out what I think and feel about the church. I haven't been active in many years, but I know that I need to ask questions about the things that I don't understand in order to make an informed decision about it. I always felt like it was all or nothing with the church, but that train of thought is just too overwhelming for me. So what I am doing right now is reading one chapter of the Doctrine & Covenants each day and saying my prayers every morning and every night. That is what I can do right now. If I choose to continue on this path I'll know what my next steps will be. I think part of this content feeling is because I have opened the lines of communication with the Lord again.

I am in the market for a job again. But it's different this time around. I have a better attitude and I am excited to find my next opportunity. Also there isn't as much pressure to make X amount of money because my living expenses will decrease immensely with my moving and not driving to SLC each day. I would prefer to work in Utah County, but if I find the right company I'd be willing to commute north again. If anyone has leads on an assistant or receptionist type position please email me (link on the right) or give me a call.

I am seeing the big picture again and while it can be overwhelming I am learning that I don't need to fix all of my faults and short comings at once. I don't have to live my life with an all or nothing attitude about everything. It's okay to take baby steps and that is what I am doing.

Update

2010-05-12T23:26:00.005-06:00

Well it's been a while since I've posted anything. I've had a few ideas for some interesting topics, but each time I start putting something together I lose interest. So I'm not sure how long I'll be able to stay focused on this one.

I've been sick for going on 4 weeks now. I can't keep food in me at all. I've eaten 3 full meals (taco, sloppy joes, chicken and potatoes) in the last 4 weeks and I've thrown up each and everyone of them. Aside from those I munch on handfuls of crackers, cereal, and mashed potatoes, Sprite or Gatorade. I want a Cafe Rio burrito so badly right now, but I know it would kill me if I ate that! I just started another round of IV's and shots while staying at my parents. I'm getting Phenergan shots in my hips every 4-6 hours. My hips are SO sore and bruised. Each time I roll over it feels like an Indian Rug burn. Don't really know what is causing all these problems, but we think it might be something in my apartment. We're calling the city tomorrow to come out and test it for Meth. Sounds far fetched, but we've researched it and all my symptoms (and Holli's while she lived there for that matter) go hand in hand with long term Meth exposure. If it turns out to be that will be crazy!

Luckily for me, I've found a new place and I am really excited to move! I'll be moving to North Orem at the end of the month to the basement of one of my girl friend's from high school. The apartment is really cute and my living expenses will go down considerably too. I'll post some pictures once I get settled in.

Unfortunately, I lost my job with SOS this week. I was sad to see the opportunity go, but I understand. At least this time around there was not much of an emotional attachment since I wasn't there long. I am surprisingly optimistic about my next venture, whatever it may be. Strange, that must be the Prozac starting to work. So that's pretty much what I've got going on. I just need to get well so I can pack and move in like 15 days. If anyone would like to help me move it would be greatly appreciated!! :) Call me, text me, Facebook me, or leave me a comment and I'll be in touch. Peace.